Oh you sweet, sweet nervous and stressed darlings. I wasn't planning to come back here but what else do I have to do?
I'm so hesitant at times to enjoy the light in this particular dark. I have a lot of light. That is not true for a HUGE amount of humans that don't have what they need right now. Please know I get that as much as I'm able, which still isn't enough. It's just I want to talk about this ride. Good, bad, sad, terrified, hungry, just think I'm hungry due to soif de voyage. I was trying to say ennui but I had to wait for Jason to come back into the room to even tell me how that word STARTS spelling-ly speaking. I stumbled onto "soif de voyage" and have no idea how to say it. It's delightful.
Both mean wanting to go. Wanting to run. Wanting to see more. Wanting a deep lungfull of fearless adventure and love. As simple as taking the time to choose a lemon by squeezing and smelling it. As pure as running into your best friend of over 20 years shows up in the ally but you can't pull him up on the stoop in a hug taken for granted in the days it was daily. Laughing in each others faces. Crying on shoulders and laps. Sharing my golden-rose blush. The one Buzzfeed told me to buy. Sampling on friends a mere inch from their faces. Closely sparkeling their cheeks and chin and nose.
Celebrating my Dad's 80th birthday via Zoom. Missing my sisters. Missing my Mom. Sending my 28 year old nephew vids of cats talking and hoping he'd send more. Talking to my Dad about the comfort of deep space. Putting that homesick nausea into a drawer until we are ready to remember just how sad we really were.
Then Jason remembers I have always loved Easter because my Dad made it magic. Then he compliments my dress I got months ago picturing my family together on my sister's porch, laughing and eating Kentucky ham. He tells me that maybe the stomach ache I've had all day was because I missed a normal Easter. Then he puts on HIS Sunday best too. Then he let's me ramble on about how to dye the perfect egg and how to make the best egg salad the next day. Then I make tacos and we watch Peggy Sue Got Married because it reminds me of being little and things being easier.
When I had cancer 11 years ago I would wake up and think "Oh sweet. I don't have to go to work!.....Wait....why don't I have to go to work?....Oh. That's right. Cancer. Cool." I keep doing that now but then there is one more layer that says "Oh. That's right. It's all of us. Everywhere." Then I hurt and panic for all of us. Then I make some toaster waffles and put syrup on them and feel lucky to have them. Sometimes it goes great and is easy. Other times I wake up at 2 am and lay on the sofa waiting to be sleepy. When I do sleep it's still kind of awake.
In the meantime if anyone needs a playlist, I'm your guy.
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3rpKG58hsiRG0Z9uvRISI1?si=s7bm3RxxRLacZ8-wryHmVQ
