A Couple Fat Ankle Steps in the Right Direction

My ankles are swoll to the EN, man. It's from my blood pressure meds but it's nuts. They look like balloons.

Anyway, I am finally going to talk to someone just to get some profesh listening. I just feel a little extra anxious and want to work on that. So good work, me.

I also purchased a work out t. That outta do it! 130 lbs here I come! hahahah just kidding.

My mom is hanging in there. First two days post her first chemo and she's not feeling fantastic, obvs, but not too bad. I hope it stays that way. I'm sending her my fanciest wig tomorrow.

I really really wish I could just do all this for her. I know how it works and stuff and know there's a light at the end. BUT this is what's happening and I have to deal with that. She is tough and my dad is amazing and my sisters rule. It will all be okay. I mean it won't be because I've learned that nothing is ever ALWAYS okay. Life is going to be bad a lot and good a lot. I'm trying to just embrace the chaos and hope it makes sense someday. I feel like it will.

In other news, I'm going to church with my sister on Sunday. If you hear on the news that someone burst into flames upon entering a Wisconsin UCC Church.....well....you can have my carnival mirror collection if that happens.

I had a lot to say last night in my head and have forgotten most of it. I'm sure it was exceptionally profound and important. Probably more about my ankles.

Love,
C

Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh.............

that's how i'm feeling. i don't even want to capitilize today. mom had her first treatment. they have to do 16 now instead of 6 because they found more spread to her nodes. three instead of one.

our good friend's dog is sick and another good friend has a sick cat. both have a few weeks left. that makes me saaaaaaad.

i found some gum i really like. that's good.

*shoulder shrug*

love,
c

Team Janet

Well it's finally come to this. I'm walking in a friggin Breast Cancer Walk on October 17th. However, I will NOT wear a pink hat or boa no matter how much pressure is put on me. I'll pink it up, don't worry, but no ball caps or boas. It's just too....something....I don't know. I refuse. Like Kramer with the AIDS ribbon.

Anyway, here is the info if you want to walk with us or donate.


http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/MakingStridesAgainstBreastCancer/MSABCFY11Illinois?team_id=769251&pg=team&fr_id=28099

Looks like this blog will have to stay pink a little longer....

So the stupid cancer spread to her lymph nodes. We are waiting to see how many they spread to. So far only one sentinal node for sure. This probably means chemo for my mom. Dammit. I have been really angry the past few days but after kicking a box across my kitchen and eating a really outlandishly large plate of Marge Noodles (TM) I woke up feeling better. Ready to fight for and with her.

I will only say this once then I'm putting it in the shredder. This really is kind of unfair.

Done. Now onto the next battle. She is done with surgery already which is a HUGE plus. She is sore but able to get around. She will have to postpone her knee replacment until all this is over but she is still going to get that done. Right now it's all about kicking the cancer in the BH and being done with it.

Good things:

I've never felt closer to her. Or to my family in general. As my sister Kendra says "but shit....we were ALREADY close it's not like we needed to be taught a lesson!". True Kendra...true BUT now we are this crazy primal close like a pack of wolves. I feel like we are all in our roles and ready to face the bad parts of life together. There is some real comfort in being on a team like that.

Jason. Again. He's gotten so good and knowing how to help me feel my feelings and making me feel better all at once. Sometimes just by being quiet and patting my head.

My friends. Again. Just non stop support. I feel embarassed being in need again. I know I can't help it...I mean it's my mom...but jeeze. I can't wait to not be the one crying every two minutes. Not that I am crying every two minutes all the time...but sometimes.

Anyway, that's the current state of the union. Breast cancer can really go take a flying leap off a short cliff or whatever that expression is...plank? Whatever. I hate it.

but I love you!
Crescent

Surgery Day For Mom

Please just let it all be good news and easy on her. Please please please. Please let her be able to go to her 50th high school reunion in a week and dance.

I took this pic in the garden when I was home this past weekend. It's on my phone, my computer and in my mind at all times. The five of us...start to finish and everything in between. Go Allens. We can do it!

Stop Me If You've Heard This One...

....so my mom has breast cancer. Sounds like a sick joke right? nope. It's really happening. She called me on Saturday to say that's probably the case. Then found out Monday it's for sure the case. My family is kind of reeling from it all. It just doesn't seem like this could be possible.

BUT let's save the drama for my mama. Here is the GREAT news. The tumor is small. Really small. To give you some idea my tumor was considered medium at two centimeters and hers is like 1.5 millimeters...I think...those are tiny right? Math. Who needs it?! Anyway, you get the idea.

So she has all the tests still. MRI, further pathology, blood work, scans and all that, but the doc thinks she will be able to avoid chemo. God I hope so. I don't want her to have that at ALL. Sounds like she won't so here's to yearly mammos, right??? Jeez. TRY and tell me they are pointless. Just try.

Anyway, I'm tired. Kind of worn out. But fine.

My treatments have been kind of put on hold because my blood pressure is too high. They think that's from stress and the Avastin. If it's too high again in three weeks I'm pulled from the clinical trial. I really hope that doesn't happen. Of course I will deal with it but I've come so far and to just have to throw out my study results from all this will make me sad. I want to feel like I'm helping or something.

Dr. C doubled my blood pressure meds so that is taking a little getting used to. I get kind of dizzy and sleepy but hey...what else is new. I'm losing weight every week so that will help too. I'm going to try some meditation CDs my friend recommended. All that HAS to work in the next three weeks right? Right.

Let's end on a high note.

I haven't been sleeping very well at all. So at like 9pm I'm exhausted and crash (but then wake up at 3 and can't get back to sleep...you know how that goes). Anyway, I crashed out on the sofa on Monday while watching Beavis and Butthead Do America for the 89th time. Jason was working a shift at the wine bar and he got home pretty late. I don't remember this at all, but I guess he kept saying "Crescent, you want to come to bed" trying to get me from the sofa to the bed so I'd sleep better. You know, being the great guy he always is. I rewarded him by sitting up and yelling "DON'T ASK ME THAT AGAIN!" and shook my finger and everything. I did it in my sleep but that doesn't make it right.

He left me out on the sofa, naturally.

Happy Birthday.

It's Jason's birthday. And my boss's. And a co-worker's. And Obama's. But Jason is the most important to me, supes obvs. (working on my Effron speak..kids abbrev ev thing apparant....coo th t do)

What would I do without him? I don't even care to wonder. I love him to the point of excess and still giggle like a 14 year old when he texts me a lot in a day. Hmmmm....re-reading that I feel like maybe Jason should be a little afraid of me. hahahahah nah. I'm harmless.

We have a sort of on going joke about murdering each other and what not...life insurance is usually the punch line but sometimes it's just good old fashioned killin. I know it's a dark joke but we've earned the right to joke however we please.

In fact we've been doing the off color jokes about our love for years.

Our private wedding toast to each other at our reception was "F*&$ you buddy." TINK! (that was the glass that made that sound just now...in my memory...sighhhh).

so in the spirit of our twisted but true love here was my birthday email to him today:

Dear Jason,

Your facebook page is warming my heart today. Everyone loves you so much!!!!! Except me. I loathe you and wait for the day when I can give you the ol "Chief" treatment in the night. Then I'll throw our fridge through the back window and lumber off to music played on a saw.

His reply:

Nice.

I also included this picture, which I think adds some extra ominous tones to the whole experience:

I am starting to look like Zac Effron and loving it.

It's true. I have total Zac Effron hair right now. I'll take it. I don't have his dreamy blue locker room eyes, sadly.

Radiation is over. I feel great besides a shoulder tendon pull from laying in that radiation bed for 6 weeks. Nothing major.

We leave for Denver on Friday. Just three days but it will be very fun. Our trip to Hayward with my sister and brother in law was epic and wonderful. Jason and I both cried on our first boat ride. For me they were relief tears. For him they were "I'm scared I will feel this worried forever." tears. Both healthy and normal I think. Once that was done we just had nothing but fun.

I guess I should talk about my feelings....hmmmm

I feel odd. Good. Changed. Ready for something very new. So happy with Jason it almost hurts but doesn't. 17 pounds lighter, literally. 300 pounds lighter figuratively. I'm starting to forget the physical pain and chemo/surgery feelings which is good. I'll never forget they were there but they aren't on my surface all the time anymore.

Mostly I'm just really excited about the upcoming Disney Special Musical presentation I'm currently shooting called "High School Musical 46! We Failed Math and are Being Held Back!" It's got some great jams in it and my real life girlfriend, Vanessa Hudgens, and I might break up! Tune in to see.

Life Lessons on the 50 Damen bus

I was riding the bus to Rush Medical today for radiation and was feeling heavily brained. What's next? How do I get to a point where I love what I do? When will I start doing what I love? Etc.

RIGHT as I was thinking this I looked out the window and saw some graffiti that said, "try harder". Deal. That makes sense.

About 3 miles later I looked out again and on a garage it said "forgive yourself".

Double deal.

Onward.

PS - my leftness hurts.

My Leftness

No I'm not talking political leanings....am I right people??? (leans on mic stand...snaps rainbow suspenders) but seriously folks...what IS the deal with ugg boots?

Anyway, My Leftness is my new term for my area that is being radiated. It includes my breast, obviously, otherwise I would have been diagnosed with blank cancer. It also includes my arm pit and collar area, etc. Anyway, it hurts inside! I can tell it's cooking. It doesn't burn but it feels like I have a bunch of cut up muscles in my boob. Horrible sounding I know but it isn't. It only hurts when I bump it....solution? Don't bump it! I protect it like a ming vahhhhhze. ming. hahahhaha

I've started talking to my leftness too. In my head I keep saying, "Leftness...when all of this is over I'm going to take you out for a nice seafood dinner and maybe see a movie. Hop over to the Poconos for a long weekend just the two of us. Sumthin real nice, baby."

I'm not sure why I'm a bad Italian stereo type mafia husband in this senario but i'mma gonna run wit it.

Time to go eat a steak with my husband in the yard.

Love and pizza pies,
Crescent

some things.

Things are fine. Had my Avastin infusion today and then radiation and x-rays. Back at work pluggin away. I have been a little crabby this week and I keep praying it's PMS but no luck on that front yet.

I woke up and decided to try and not take everything too seriously. That seems to be working. I also decided to drink one Slurpee a day. They are terrible for me but really up my happy levels.

My trip home with Megan for my nephew's graduation was outstanding. Emotional but great. My family is just so good for each other. I was homesick before I even left.

7-11 has pretty good roast beef on light rye sandwiches.

What else....oh lost five lbs and BP (blood pressure not the spilly oil co) is down again a little bit which is good. They think it's up from the Avastin but either way I could stand to lose oh say....four gazillion lbs.

Essentially all you really need to take from this post is that 7-11 provides most of your daily needs in one convenient location of which there are many across the greater Chicagoland area.

WARNING! CANCERY POST! MORE THAN NORMAL!

*this was hard to write and will be harder to read for some more than others. Be careful sweet friends who know who they are*

There was a young guy, Jason's age at most, in the radiation ward/clinic/area that just about did me in today. I couldn't look at his face but I know he was tall and ill and bone thin and terrified. I didn't really look at him because it felt....I don't know....just not for me to see. But I'm telling you hand to God...I could feel his fear. It was holding him hostage. The way the nurses (he had to have two to help him walk) were speaking to him had that tone...trying to sooth him....ugh....I can hardly write about this. Taking break. Please hold. (Girl From Impenema - Musak Version 5).

Okay. Had a stick of gum and put on some lipstick like my Mama always taught me when in need of getting ones self together.

So it was awful. And palpatable. And just heartbreaking. He was in my world for no more than 20 seconds but I feel like I will never get him out of my head.

He just felt like he was a sad and skinny and afraid representation of all that stupid cancer is. It made me so mad and confused. And so selfishly happy for my life and my hopeful outcome. It was a truly consuming moment and I hate talking and thinking about it but I need to get it down.

Man. Dang it. Please know your call is important to us. We will be back with you shortly. (Classical Gas - Musak Version 1).

Pheww...so let's get to the titular brighter side of this story, shall we?

On my cab ride home I put my phone away and rolled down the window and took in as much air as my lungs could handle without combusting and I realized what I want and feel like I have to do with my life. I need to find a way to take even the smallest pinch of that fear away from people going through this. I'm not sure exactly how that will be yet but I can tell it's going to come to me soon. Because the fear is what I can't get over. Seeing it in others much sicker than I am....feeling it in my own heart....hearing it in every word my family says to me...it's terrible. It's a cancer unto itself. I am not as scared anymore but it will always be there now. Like my boob scar. The only way to reconcile my anger at that fact is to find a way to ease some of that fear in someone else. Maybe that's sign one of a God complex and I'm actually not having an epiphany but rather about to snap my noodle and run for Mayor of Looney Toon County. Either way.

Since day one of this little adventure I knew a message was waiting for me on the other side. An answer. I've trusted in that this whole time and I can feel it happening.

Ohhh I sound so dramatic and I hate that. But crap...it has been dramatic. Dramatically good and dramatically hard and dramatically terrifying and I will never be the same. Nor should I be.

Anyway, I love you all and something weird is going on at work (just construction guys...not like WEIRD weird). I better go.

Kittens.

Into The Groove....

I keep trying to post this and I keep losing it....by "it" I mean the post not my cool or anything.

So let's sum it up fast and furious, shall we?

Feeling way into the swing of radiation already. Feels like part of my day. Love the techs and doctors. The waiting room is cold. Two latin sisters fighting everyday. Cab rides.

Got it? Good.

Love,
C

PS - I tried to post a pic of my hair growing back but it's not working. It's on Facebook anyways. Go there to see if you are so inclined. Smooches!

I Want To Lay Around Wit Choo.

I am nervous about my first radiation but not so much about the procedure, more about getting there and back to work in a timely fashion. I'm going to try route one of three today and see how that goes. It will involve me taking the pink line train with seems fitting. The Breat Cancer Train!

I also noticed I ate pink yogurt and half a pink doughnut today inadvertently. Oh god. And I'm wearing pink. I swear I didn't even notice that until just this second. Too tooooo funny.

On the train ride to work today I ALMOST got overwhelmed by the 32 radiation treatments coming my way and was kind of tearing up behind my Panama Jack sunglasses (don't be so jealous....it's not for me to say how cool I am because I fashion shop at CVS) when I remembered Jason's song to me last night.

We had opened special bed up for a rare appearance to stay cool and watch movies. He was on the sofa and I was on special bed watching the hockey game. I was just about to nod off and Jason starting singing "I just want to lay around wit-chooo...." in his best R&B high voice. Then he'd laugh at himself. Then he'd sing it again. The whole time pushing me over to make room for himself. Certainly falls under the category of "you had to be there" but it was very funny to me.

Anyway, that song came into my head at JUST the right pre-meltdown moment this a.m. and I started laughing to myself. (I'm sure they are THIS close to putting up posters on the train "Beware of Crying/Laughing Girl in Wig".

So I feel better now, thanks to Jason and his wacky song stylings. I can get through this portion of treatment too. It will be fine and I have to take it day by day as I have the rest.

It will get me out of the office every day. It will add some good walking to my weight loss plan. It will cut the chances of my cancer coming back by almost 70%.

These are good things. Bring on the boob rays!

Things I Want To Make Sure I Don't Forget Part 1

One winter day I listed to this song after a rough few days. I heard it and felt like I might, truly, collapse into a black hole. Soooo dramatic but it's true. It happens. We've all been there and will be there again. Those songs that just capture you and seem to pop out of thin air with your exact emotions and memories. My sister Kendra would always say "This song makes me feel weird" in a certain Kendra voice that meant it made her feel a little sad or a little understood or a little too grown up too fast....take your pick.

I'm quite sure this song isn't about me and Jas. In fact I feel a little embarrassed to take it as ours since it's probably about war and the horrible state of the world. But as a good friend once said about a giant bag of Carmel corn..."I'm just gonna have some....k?".

We have word out to Jeff Tweedy that my cancer recovery wish is for him to play one round of washers with my husband at a BBQ. If that happens we might just ask him to write a song that's REALLY about us. I'm sure he wouldn't mind. He's not busy or cool or anything. (My thought bubble just drew a heart around JT's face and I sighed...for real.)

Back to the song.....the melodies...the chord progressions.....the words.....this year just balled up in a song. Every time I hear it I cry and cry and love Jason beyond any word in any language. Or maybe it's more that it makes me love us. I've always loved him but the duo we've become this year.....man...I don't even know how to finish that sentence.

Anyway, music. Is there anything it can't do? Okay it can't cure cancer but I bet it's working on it.

Lyrics below:
Wake up we're here
It's so much worse than we feared
There's nothing left here
The country has disappeared
If the winter trees bleeding, leave red blood
The summer sweet dreaming, april blush
But none of that is ever gonna mean as much to me again.

Hold out your hand,
there's so much you don't understand
So stick as close as you can,
all of the best laid plans
You've got the white clouds hanging so high above you
You've got the helicopters dangling angling to shoot,
the shots to feed the hungry weekend news crew anchorman.

So every evening we can watch from above,
crushed cities like a bug
Fold ourselves into each others guts,
and turn our faces up to the sun.

I won't take no
I won't let you go
All by yourself
Oh no you need my help
When the cold night shakes you like a chandelier
The snowflakes break through the atmosphere,
and melt on the blue breath of the auctioneers and disappear.

Every evening we can watch from above,
crushed cities like a bug
Fold ourselves into each others blood,
and turn our faces up to the sun.

This is how happy I feel about how I feel....

I've been joking that this picture (taken by my brother-in-law at my last treatment) should be the cover of Cancer Today Magazine. Not that there is one but there should be! Or Cancer Havers! or Cosmocancertin.

Anywayyyyy I am feeling great. Great great great. That horrible fog in my head from the chemo has lifted and I feel vibrant again. Like my laugh sounds more like my own and my emotions feel more....feely. It rules. I can't even believe I'm to this point.

I keep having these moments where everything lands on me all of a sudden and I feel like screaming and crying and break dancing and high kicking and eating with my mouth wide open right in someone's ear and punching walls and laughing like a lunatic all at once.

I had my first Avastin treatment Tuesday and I was nervous. I mean I've been getting Avastin the whole time with the chemo but I got it in my head that it might make me feel sick again. It didn't! Not at all! It was easy like a Sunday morning. I will get "infused" with that drug every three weeks until January 11th or so.

I start radiation on Tuesday. That is going to be a giant pain in the A but 6.5 weeks goes by really fast in the grand scheme of things. I will go every week day but it only takes about 30 minutes. I'm hoping not to have too many side effects (god...how those words have entered my vernacular sackular this year...side effects side effects side effects...terrible words).

The best news of the day is that my hair is already starting to thicken up. I would say by August I will be able to comfortably go wig and scarf free. Fantastic fantastic.

I have a little naggy fear that I imagine will never go away from all this. Side effect. Will it come back? Will someone I love get it? Will I take enough from it? and so forth. Seems normal to me so I'm not going to worry about it at this juncture. Wouldn't be prudent.

That's right. I just did a G-Dub Senior/circa 89 Dana Carvey joke. I'm back, ladies and germs.

ahhhhh

After two of the hardest weeks ever post treatment I am finally feeling like myself again! It just hit me today that I won't have to feel those chemo feelings again!!!!! No more everything tasting like salt. No more sours in my mouth or tooth aches. No more nausea. No more shots! No more knee aches and head aches. No more waking up sure that heaven is a'callin!

Even though I know all of that it still hasn't all sunk in. All of this. I had a moment where I almost realized what just happnened but it started to make me feel a little shakey so I decided to wait a bit. I'll face it all down one of these days but for now I am just so happy that I am slowly but surely feeling whole again.

I start radiation on June 1st every day for 6.5 weeks so once THAT is done I think I will really feel some more freedom. I can't wait!

Love to all,
C

Guy Adkins - King of the Love Bubble.

"Thank you for writing and sharing all of this with me. It's the greatest side effect of these notes that I write. I get to hear so many thoughts and stories from friends and from friends I don't know. It means so much to me right now. I don't know. It feels powerful, I guess."

-Guy Adkins in reply to an email from me.

Julie and I used to see every show Guy did in college when we were in high school. We ADORED him like an Elvis. He would walk onto the stage and just win the whole thing. There was a tenderness to him that endeared everyone who met him, as far as I can tell.

I feel a little assuming or presumptuous or one of those types of words even writing about him since my contact with him was limited to a teen crush then adult respect via his writings. But this year I've had so many dreams about him and think about him and read his words over and over. He chose to be honest about his cancer and I've tried to be the same because of him. It's hard NOT to eulogize a person who inspires bravery and honesty. So there. I feel like he wouldn't mind. I hope not anyway.

His notes on cancer terrified me and filled me with joy at the same time. Our cancer journeys were/are very different but he found ways to say so many of things that cross your mind when you are going through it. No matter what the cancer. No matter what the stage.

I reached out to him via his blog/email to just let him know how inspiring he was to me when I was a teenager and now, as a 35 year old with cancer.

Today I think of his heartbroken partner and his family and friends trying to understand all this. Ugh. Just the worst. But that love will live and live and live.

Then I think of Jason and all I want to do is spring him from work, buy a bunch of canned goods and pasta and fire wood and just lean my bald head on his shoulder for 87 years and only take breaks to pee and cook noodles. Alas, life calls and you have to live it with as little fear as possible. You have to.

He put into words so much of what I feel about this experience. He passed away last night into the storm. Full of light and love and music. Taken far too soon but finally free from the pain. He's everywhere now, I would imagine. Too many people loved him for his destination to be one finite place.

Anyway....perspective. Love works. Thank you for being my friends and family. Hug and kiss each other today and tomorrow and every day for at least 87 years, please.

Guy had a love bubble too. We are the lucky ones.

"So I forgot my troubles and just got happy. Try it. I mean really try. I've said before that I don't want a fight and I still feel that here but I think we have to try. I still think this life we have is a gift and we have to try to be happy. I don't know if it's a right or a privilege, an accident or a figment of our imaginations. It's something everyone wants so much. It's everything, Happiness. And I really have it. At least it seems like I do. If I'm deluded, don't tell me."-Guy's last post.

TA DA!!!!

We did it!

I painted this pic. Don't be so jealous of my art skillz, you guys.

My sister and brother-in-law came to sit with us for the last treatment. That was a really special gift. It has been hard to be so far away from home during all this. They brought some home here and that was simply lovely.

So far I feel like total crap, but who cares! This is the last time!

Rubber Band Ball Update!!!

From before:



From today:


Man...it looks about the same but I've been adding bands daily!

In other news...last three bag treatment on Tuesday! I'm excited-ish. I'll be way more excited once it's over and I'm on the recovery end of it but I really am feeling the light.

I'm going to spray tan and grow my hair down to my B.

Happy weekend, kittens!!!