Did I mention Jason won us a trip to Italy? Or earned I should say. He sold a scrillion bottles of wine and the owner of the winery is rewarding him with a trip. to....ITALY. I'm so excited I could barf.
I'm trying to learn some basic Italian but the only phrase I can remember is "me chiamo...Crescent". My name is Crescent. I told Jason I'm going to say that at the end of every interaction like a catch phrase.
"No hablo Italiano....do you have many noodles? Me chiamo....Crescent."
"Scoozie....do you have Rolaids for sale? Consumame many noodles. Me chiamo...Crescent."
Also on the itinerary (which was all in Italian) I realized I was listed as Mr. Crescent Prah. We had it changed but the other night we were talking in bed when J got home from work and he said "So...we will arrive in Italy the day before??" and I laughed and said "No honey. We don't travel back in time." and he said "you better stay fresh* or I'm gonna take MR. Crescent Prah instead of you." Gave me the giggles something fierce.
The goocher is that when I went to England for semester abroad in college my train pass said "Mr. Crescent Allen".
Imagine if I was a dude named Crescent. I would be a weirdo. Gauranteed. Lucky for everyone I'm a lady weirdo which is much easier to deal with.
*Fresh in Jason speak means everything from cool to polite to weird. In this instance he meant it as not a smart ass.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
The bliss of normal
The peace of going into a summer feeling as good as I do and knowing my Mom and Aunt are on the mend is like a vacation to a tropical island without the malaria or umbrella drinks. And let's face it...both of those can be arranged if I'm so inclined.
I was delighted by my second healthy and normal cycle this month. And by delighted I mean almost stabbed a few people for eating too loudly and cried just thinking about a dog getting a bath in a sink. You know...a good healthy dose of PMS. It was great. I love it! I'm serious. The pain of living life and just plain ol being a woman again is simply magical to me. I have energy, my head is clear, my scalp is covered with wonderful crazy curly hair. Although I have to say, I'm not nuts about the cramps part of this womanly magic. They are pretty rough. Feels like a million evil trolls (redundant...ALL trolls are evil) are hacking away at my insides with tiny evil tools of troll evil.
My point is the normal is just such a gift right now. I know it won't last. Life keeps happening. Worries abound. Bad things show up when you least expect, but for now...springtime....I'm going to just enjoy the day. Smell some trees, maybe pickle some things (spoiler alert: I probably won't but will mention it a lot and say "i really should try that"), spend time with my friends and family and just breathe in the lazy and lovely air.
seriously....why do these make me cry???
I was delighted by my second healthy and normal cycle this month. And by delighted I mean almost stabbed a few people for eating too loudly and cried just thinking about a dog getting a bath in a sink. You know...a good healthy dose of PMS. It was great. I love it! I'm serious. The pain of living life and just plain ol being a woman again is simply magical to me. I have energy, my head is clear, my scalp is covered with wonderful crazy curly hair. Although I have to say, I'm not nuts about the cramps part of this womanly magic. They are pretty rough. Feels like a million evil trolls (redundant...ALL trolls are evil) are hacking away at my insides with tiny evil tools of troll evil.
My point is the normal is just such a gift right now. I know it won't last. Life keeps happening. Worries abound. Bad things show up when you least expect, but for now...springtime....I'm going to just enjoy the day. Smell some trees, maybe pickle some things (spoiler alert: I probably won't but will mention it a lot and say "i really should try that"), spend time with my friends and family and just breathe in the lazy and lovely air.
seriously....why do these make me cry???
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Clip show
My posts from a year ago. I always imagined reading them a year from now so I just did.
You don't have to read them. I'm just putting this here so next year when I come back I'll see THIS post and remember how good I feel today. And then look at LAST year's posts and remember how crappy I felt sometimes and then in two years from now hopefully I'll look back at the past two years and be like "oh man...that was before I was totally rich and my family was all really happy and healthy and Jason and I wore shoes of gold and ate diamond noodles and took everyone we love to a private island of fun!" and so forth.
It's like ouroboros only maybe healthy and not sssso sssssnake-ish.
You don't have to read them. I'm just putting this here so next year when I come back I'll see THIS post and remember how good I feel today. And then look at LAST year's posts and remember how crappy I felt sometimes and then in two years from now hopefully I'll look back at the past two years and be like "oh man...that was before I was totally rich and my family was all really happy and healthy and Jason and I wore shoes of gold and ate diamond noodles and took everyone we love to a private island of fun!" and so forth.
It's like ouroboros only maybe healthy and not sssso sssssnake-ish.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Blooms.
Remember that picture I talked about where I looked so freaked out at Christmas two years ago? I just randomly found it in my dad's pictures online. Figures that he was the one that took it. He always seems to know what the real deal is.
this was the post: http://crescenttaybrighterside.blogspot.com/2010/12/alive.html
here is the pic
Annnd a close up.
Yikes. I can feel that feeling in my feelers just LOOKING at it. I felt like running and screaming into a tree like Katniss in The Hunger Games. That's right. I'm reading that book and guess what everyone? It's the best book I've read in a long time. Young adult my can. That is a scary and deep story! I wish I was reading it now. sigh. What was I even talking about?
Oh right. Trees.
Spring is coming and going but will eventually show up for good here in a few days I think. I feel relaxed. I'm very happy. Always a little gun shy to feel either emotion but I might as well. I used to think that phrase was "mind as well". Well my mind is good as well.
I also thought it was you "goated someone into doing such and such" instead of "goading". I pictured a goat head butting someone into their next move. Goating them into it.
I do have some fantastic news but it's sort of even too private for me. Let's just say Judy Blume talked a lot about it and I never thought it would happen to me again after chemo. It's no gaurantee of children of our own but it is certainly a nice bit of hope. We needed that and are enjoying it greatly. Plus it's a real load off not to cry every single time I see or hold or smell a baby.
See how I said it was too private to talk about but here I am talking about it? That is a classic Crescent trick. You gotta watch me. I'm wiley like a fox! I tend to say things without saying them then just accidentally say them. Like this...PERIOD~!!!! WHOOOHOO!!!
Shoulder shrug. We're all adults and can handle it. Plus it's really a hugly mongus deal to me and J, which those that love me know.
He was telling his friends at work (see? we don't need no stinkin privacy) and said "She just got her first hair cut last week and now she's got her period!?? My little girl is growing up so fast!"
He's a crack up, that one.
Love to all!
Crescent
this was the post: http://crescenttaybrighterside.blogspot.com/2010/12/alive.html
here is the pic
Annnd a close up.
Yikes. I can feel that feeling in my feelers just LOOKING at it. I felt like running and screaming into a tree like Katniss in The Hunger Games. That's right. I'm reading that book and guess what everyone? It's the best book I've read in a long time. Young adult my can. That is a scary and deep story! I wish I was reading it now. sigh. What was I even talking about?
Oh right. Trees.
Spring is coming and going but will eventually show up for good here in a few days I think. I feel relaxed. I'm very happy. Always a little gun shy to feel either emotion but I might as well. I used to think that phrase was "mind as well". Well my mind is good as well.
I also thought it was you "goated someone into doing such and such" instead of "goading". I pictured a goat head butting someone into their next move. Goating them into it.
I do have some fantastic news but it's sort of even too private for me. Let's just say Judy Blume talked a lot about it and I never thought it would happen to me again after chemo. It's no gaurantee of children of our own but it is certainly a nice bit of hope. We needed that and are enjoying it greatly. Plus it's a real load off not to cry every single time I see or hold or smell a baby.
See how I said it was too private to talk about but here I am talking about it? That is a classic Crescent trick. You gotta watch me. I'm wiley like a fox! I tend to say things without saying them then just accidentally say them. Like this...PERIOD~!!!! WHOOOHOO!!!
Shoulder shrug. We're all adults and can handle it. Plus it's really a hugly mongus deal to me and J, which those that love me know.
He was telling his friends at work (see? we don't need no stinkin privacy) and said "She just got her first hair cut last week and now she's got her period!?? My little girl is growing up so fast!"
He's a crack up, that one.
Love to all!
Crescent
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Milestoned part 2
Today is the day I get my first haircut since the big shave of February 2010. "It's just hair....it will grow back" was my mantra. Now here I am with a robust Seinfeld mullet and an appointment to get it cut into something fresh and new. As I watch and wait for my mom's to grow back I realize it's much more than hair. I mean I always knew that but when you are bald as a cue ball you try and trick yourself from feeling the depressarios that come with said baldness. As you watch it grow you feel like it's springtime...that it's healing your body...that you are owning your inner woman again. Just hair or not, it's been quite the journey. Like my Dad said this a.m. "I'm just so glad you have some to cut." You and me both, Papa. Now for my self indulgent trip down baldery lane.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Friday, March 11, 2011
Oh Buzzy.
I've been kind of quiet on here because we have had a run of some sad news and writing about it just felt depressing.
But it's time. I just got word that my Godfather, Buzzy (his name was Bill but he was always Buzzy to us) passed on to his next adventure this morning. He was diagnosed with lung cancer less than a month ago and was put on a respirator early this week. When I heard that news I assumed there was still time. We’d go up there this summer and have that long dinner we’d been planning with them. Well we know what happens when you assume. It makes an ass out of me and me. I'm trying to find comfort in the fact that he didn't suffer long but mostly I just feel heartbroken and sad. Sad and sorry. I can't even begin to comprehend what his wife and daughter are going through right now. I love them all so much and it hurts to think of how much they are hurting.
When I was first born my mom got really sick with an infection and had to stay in the hospital. Buzz and Grace took me into their home for my first days of life while my dad juggled his other two daughters and a sick wife. Most of my dreams take place in that house on Sunset Fork, I think just because I was there for so much of my childhood. Holly and I would play and play while my parents and her parents would have these wonderful parties that would spill out into the yard.
Buzzy had this giant record collection and a stereo system that practically blew out the windows (The police were called frequently in response to complaints that someone was blaring Abba at an absurd volume). Those parties are some of my first and happiest memories. They went on for years and years. When we were really little, Holly and I would have our bath then Buzz would give me one of his t-shirts to wear to bed. They'd put a fan on us and we'd fall asleep giggling and listening to the muffled conversations downstairs about art, music, food, wine, life. He had this BIG wild laugh and singing voice. I would feel safe and happy and couldn't wait to have parties like that...friends like that. Now I do and it's everything I ever dreamed it to be, although I now plan to start more spontaneous dance parties in his honor.
Some weekends I would stay over for a couple days (they were right down the street from my home) and Buzzy and I would sit at the kitchen counter while Gracie and Holly baked or cooked something wonderful. He'd tell me about jazz and play a song then get excited because he would remember ANOTHER song I "had to hear". He was the person that taught me to love all music. To hunt it down. To know which song went with which feeling, memory or even which meal. Like a sommelier of tunes.
Last night I was out watching Jason shoot pool and Kodachrome came on the jukebox. I almost turned around to see if Buzzy had played it. It transported me back to that living room. Watching my parents and my Godparents dancing and laughing. Knowing that it would always be that way, even if it wasn't.
The last time I saw him was late this summer after my mom's diagnosis. Jason and I sat in the yard with Buzz and Grace and talked for a few hours. He fixed me a pink lemonade and asked if I wanted a splash of vodka in it. When I said "Of COURSE!" he repeated me a few times and laughed that big Buzzy laugh. We sat in the yard and had the best visit. I walked around the house and peeked into our old play areas and felt the conetenment that always came with being at Davidson's house.
At one point I was telling him a story and gestured a little too grandly with my left arm (as I tend to do) and he mistook it for me reaching out to him and he laughed and grabbed my hand. It was sweet and awkward and has been playing over and over in my head and heart since Monday. Over and over and over like a wonderfully broken record.
I'm trying to pull out some gift from this. It's hard to find among the sorrow, but I think all these vivid sense memories I have of those times are the gifts of a lifetime. Jason knows exactly what I mean when I'll say "This wine tastes like Davidson's house" or "Holly and I did a lip synch of this old song for Buzzy's birthday" or "Saffron makes me wish I was at Shadow Lake swimming with Holly".
Smells, sounds, tastes, all about enjoying life...enjoying each other. Seems very simple but also imperative to a happy heart. Enjoy it all. Dance a lot, eat delicious foods, drink your favorite wine, go to sleep with the voices of your friends ringing in your ears. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy each other. Thanks for all the music and laughs, Buzz. I miss you already.
But it's time. I just got word that my Godfather, Buzzy (his name was Bill but he was always Buzzy to us) passed on to his next adventure this morning. He was diagnosed with lung cancer less than a month ago and was put on a respirator early this week. When I heard that news I assumed there was still time. We’d go up there this summer and have that long dinner we’d been planning with them. Well we know what happens when you assume. It makes an ass out of me and me. I'm trying to find comfort in the fact that he didn't suffer long but mostly I just feel heartbroken and sad. Sad and sorry. I can't even begin to comprehend what his wife and daughter are going through right now. I love them all so much and it hurts to think of how much they are hurting.
When I was first born my mom got really sick with an infection and had to stay in the hospital. Buzz and Grace took me into their home for my first days of life while my dad juggled his other two daughters and a sick wife. Most of my dreams take place in that house on Sunset Fork, I think just because I was there for so much of my childhood. Holly and I would play and play while my parents and her parents would have these wonderful parties that would spill out into the yard.
Buzzy had this giant record collection and a stereo system that practically blew out the windows (The police were called frequently in response to complaints that someone was blaring Abba at an absurd volume). Those parties are some of my first and happiest memories. They went on for years and years. When we were really little, Holly and I would have our bath then Buzz would give me one of his t-shirts to wear to bed. They'd put a fan on us and we'd fall asleep giggling and listening to the muffled conversations downstairs about art, music, food, wine, life. He had this BIG wild laugh and singing voice. I would feel safe and happy and couldn't wait to have parties like that...friends like that. Now I do and it's everything I ever dreamed it to be, although I now plan to start more spontaneous dance parties in his honor.
Some weekends I would stay over for a couple days (they were right down the street from my home) and Buzzy and I would sit at the kitchen counter while Gracie and Holly baked or cooked something wonderful. He'd tell me about jazz and play a song then get excited because he would remember ANOTHER song I "had to hear". He was the person that taught me to love all music. To hunt it down. To know which song went with which feeling, memory or even which meal. Like a sommelier of tunes.
Last night I was out watching Jason shoot pool and Kodachrome came on the jukebox. I almost turned around to see if Buzzy had played it. It transported me back to that living room. Watching my parents and my Godparents dancing and laughing. Knowing that it would always be that way, even if it wasn't.
The last time I saw him was late this summer after my mom's diagnosis. Jason and I sat in the yard with Buzz and Grace and talked for a few hours. He fixed me a pink lemonade and asked if I wanted a splash of vodka in it. When I said "Of COURSE!" he repeated me a few times and laughed that big Buzzy laugh. We sat in the yard and had the best visit. I walked around the house and peeked into our old play areas and felt the conetenment that always came with being at Davidson's house.
At one point I was telling him a story and gestured a little too grandly with my left arm (as I tend to do) and he mistook it for me reaching out to him and he laughed and grabbed my hand. It was sweet and awkward and has been playing over and over in my head and heart since Monday. Over and over and over like a wonderfully broken record.
I'm trying to pull out some gift from this. It's hard to find among the sorrow, but I think all these vivid sense memories I have of those times are the gifts of a lifetime. Jason knows exactly what I mean when I'll say "This wine tastes like Davidson's house" or "Holly and I did a lip synch of this old song for Buzzy's birthday" or "Saffron makes me wish I was at Shadow Lake swimming with Holly".
Smells, sounds, tastes, all about enjoying life...enjoying each other. Seems very simple but also imperative to a happy heart. Enjoy it all. Dance a lot, eat delicious foods, drink your favorite wine, go to sleep with the voices of your friends ringing in your ears. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy each other. Thanks for all the music and laughs, Buzz. I miss you already.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Kindness
Tough news day for me and J and our families. Can't get into details really yet but my Godmother mentioned this poem in an email today so I looked it up. It took most of my murky/sad/angry feelings and made them make a little more sense and reminded me of what got me through my bad year and what I need to give to help those around me now get through theirs.
Kindness
Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.
Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.
Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.
Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and
purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
it is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you every where
like a shadow or a friend.
Naomi Shihab Nye
Kindness
Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.
Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.
Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.
Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and
purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
it is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you every where
like a shadow or a friend.
Naomi Shihab Nye
Friday, February 04, 2011
Are We Sweaty for This?
Word of caution to any fellow breast cancer survivors out there on the delightful little estrogen blocker drug known as Tamoxifin, or Tammy for short. She seems harmless but she'll getcha. Don't think you can causally skip a dose just because there is a blizzard in your city that cancels your work therefore making you forget things due to sheer glee.
Here is a list of side effects that will occur if you do this:
1. You will experience bouts of murdery feelings that cause you to, literally, say "grrrrrrr" a lot.
2. The aforementioned murdery feelings may also lead to extreme foul language whispered under your breath and inopportune times.
3. Your eyes will get puffy for some unknown medical/science type reason causing everyone to ask you "what's wrong?" or "have you been sobbing?" You will answer "NO!" in a murdery voice and proceed to try NOT to murder them. This will not be easy.
4. When you are finally able to rest your weary murder head down on the pillow you will be bombarded with bi-hourly hot flashes that will drench you in sweat then cause you to freeze to death because your husband can't sleep without a fan on. This will repeat all night long.
5. Noodles will become a monkey on your back.
Please follow your doctors orders (I typed "odors" the first time..hahahah....MOOD SWING!) and take this medicine as directed....every day....at the same time......for five.....years. God help us all.
*SIDENOTE ADDED LATER: I can't blame Jason for the fan. I love it too. There. I did the right thing and was honest. I think we've all learned some valuable lessons here today that we won't soon forget.
Here is a list of side effects that will occur if you do this:
1. You will experience bouts of murdery feelings that cause you to, literally, say "grrrrrrr" a lot.
2. The aforementioned murdery feelings may also lead to extreme foul language whispered under your breath and inopportune times.
3. Your eyes will get puffy for some unknown medical/science type reason causing everyone to ask you "what's wrong?" or "have you been sobbing?" You will answer "NO!" in a murdery voice and proceed to try NOT to murder them. This will not be easy.
4. When you are finally able to rest your weary murder head down on the pillow you will be bombarded with bi-hourly hot flashes that will drench you in sweat then cause you to freeze to death because your husband can't sleep without a fan on. This will repeat all night long.
5. Noodles will become a monkey on your back.
Please follow your doctors orders (I typed "odors" the first time..hahahah....MOOD SWING!) and take this medicine as directed....every day....at the same time......for five.....years. God help us all.
*SIDENOTE ADDED LATER: I can't blame Jason for the fan. I love it too. There. I did the right thing and was honest. I think we've all learned some valuable lessons here today that we won't soon forget.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
milestoned.
I was busily cleaning out a bag that has been at my office for months to use for our TRIP TO CALIFORNIA TOMORROW when I found, among other items, these two docs:
1. my prescription for "hair"
2. my treatment plan. I just finished that bugger last Tuesday finally.
Then it dawned on me that a year ago today I started chemo. And today I'm getting ready for our trip to Cali, finally. I don't really know what else to say except it really wasn't that bad of a year. And I did it. And thank you everyone. And I can't wait to be on vacation for a few days. And I love you.
And....um....noodles.
1. my prescription for "hair"
2. my treatment plan. I just finished that bugger last Tuesday finally.
Then it dawned on me that a year ago today I started chemo. And today I'm getting ready for our trip to Cali, finally. I don't really know what else to say except it really wasn't that bad of a year. And I did it. And thank you everyone. And I can't wait to be on vacation for a few days. And I love you.
And....um....noodles.
Friday, January 07, 2011
"It's time to LAUGH again!" - Homer Simpson
Actually it's always been time to laugh but lately I've been enjoying some gutbusting hahas. That seems like a good sign. Last year I laughed a lot but there was less oomph behind it. Maybe I was worried too hearty of a laugh would bust my stitches or something. "WELL BUST MY STITCHES!" I'm going to start saying that with a southern accent every time something surprises me pleasantly.
Anyway, I can also listen to music again without feeling like I might burst into a thousand and four pieces of sadness. Music was almost off limits for me last year which was a bummer because I really really love music. So it's back too.
I think I'm just more alert now that my cells aren't being fried with chemo. I've noticed that my friends and family are outlandishly funny. Almost too funny. Almost.
Like right now I'm Gchatting with my dad and he is being so funny that I am smiling and snorting at my desk like a crazy person. I actually just accidentally whispered "Daaaaad!" to myself in reply to his hilarity. That was embarrassing since he can't hear me but the people walking by me to head to lunch COULD hear my creepy whispers.
Here is a sample out of context:
My Dad: All good. Careful packaging. Not a crack in nay chocolate surface. Even the tails in the box were crisp. Of course it is very cold. Enjoyed the sweet and the protein.
Me: tails? I don't know why but I'm horrified at that word in this context.
My Dad: Well now that I have eaten them I can't double check.
What are we even TALKING about? I don't know and I don't care. It just feels good to be happy-ish.
Anyway, I can also listen to music again without feeling like I might burst into a thousand and four pieces of sadness. Music was almost off limits for me last year which was a bummer because I really really love music. So it's back too.
I think I'm just more alert now that my cells aren't being fried with chemo. I've noticed that my friends and family are outlandishly funny. Almost too funny. Almost.
Like right now I'm Gchatting with my dad and he is being so funny that I am smiling and snorting at my desk like a crazy person. I actually just accidentally whispered "Daaaaad!" to myself in reply to his hilarity. That was embarrassing since he can't hear me but the people walking by me to head to lunch COULD hear my creepy whispers.
Here is a sample out of context:
My Dad: All good. Careful packaging. Not a crack in nay chocolate surface. Even the tails in the box were crisp. Of course it is very cold. Enjoyed the sweet and the protein.
Me: tails? I don't know why but I'm horrified at that word in this context.
My Dad: Well now that I have eaten them I can't double check.
What are we even TALKING about? I don't know and I don't care. It just feels good to be happy-ish.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
In Vein.....
Yesterday a sad thing happened in the chemo room...well TWO sad things happened but one was very dark and real and awful and I don't feel like thinking about it anymore. Needless to say there were some very ill people in there yesterday which seems to go without saying but some days.....man. It's worse some days than others is all.
BUT back to me me me...so I have this vein. He lived in my wrist just under my right thumb. He was strong and has held up for the 20 some treatments I've had. Yesterday he finally blew. I noticed that it hurt more than usual when Isabell was putting the needle in but then after some painful pushing she got it in. Then when she went to do the saline flush the preceeds the Avastin drip he basically exploded. Blood blood blood all over. Super gross. I immediatly YELLED out "OH NO!! MY GOOD VEIN!" like I'd stepped on my glasses or something. (note:Crescent doesn't even WEAR glasses...she's a LIAR). Isabell found that to be hysterical but I was quite serious. I loved that vein. It never bruised and really never hurt too much. He was a trooper. I was hoping he could stick (pun pun pun pun alert!) out the last few treatments with me but it was his time.
BUT back to me me me...so I have this vein. He lived in my wrist just under my right thumb. He was strong and has held up for the 20 some treatments I've had. Yesterday he finally blew. I noticed that it hurt more than usual when Isabell was putting the needle in but then after some painful pushing she got it in. Then when she went to do the saline flush the preceeds the Avastin drip he basically exploded. Blood blood blood all over. Super gross. I immediatly YELLED out "OH NO!! MY GOOD VEIN!" like I'd stepped on my glasses or something. (note:Crescent doesn't even WEAR glasses...she's a LIAR). Isabell found that to be hysterical but I was quite serious. I loved that vein. It never bruised and really never hurt too much. He was a trooper. I was hoping he could stick (pun pun pun pun alert!) out the last few treatments with me but it was his time.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Alive
I just had lunch with Eva, one of my favorite people on the planet. Smart, hilarious, insightful, likes football...just love her. We ate big and when I left I felt like I needed about 49 more hours to finish our discussions. People like that rule and I'm blessed with a lot of them in my life.
Anyway, we were talking about how shaken up I was by Elizabeth Edwards death. Of course a lot of it was just being so sorry that she was gone and admiring her spirit. But there was a very selfish side to my feelings.....her cancer had been taken care of..in remission...they got it all out.....then it came back. In her bones. I don't like that one bit. It scares the living shit out of me. Every pain I have sends me into a hotflash of nerves....picturing the cells spreading. Or I think of my mom...wondering...ugh...just wondering. I can't even say it.
This is normal, I realize that. But it's hard. It shocks you awake at 3am with a giant lump in your throat (is that lump cancer????) no it's just the sobs. (Not to be confused with the S.O.B.s....those guys are jerks.) It paralyzes you when you get a shooting pain in your breast during a staff meeting. It removes every ounce of trust you had in anything ever being easy or safe again. It may be easy here and there...but it won't stay easy. Knowing that is hard. It's sad sometimes. Makes me feel like all my little girl cells are gone forever.
It also infuses every moment of my seemingly normal day with weight and beauty that runs so deep that it starts to feel like my blood. It makes me crazy excited to be home and warm and watching our awesome TV with the cat and my husband after a long day at work. It makes coffee taste better than ever. It makes me laugh so hard at my friends jokes that I cry. It makes me look at Jason and see him with a clarity and love that I've never known. It makes me feel alive. From stem to stern....alive. That is a gift. A Christmas miracle if you will...and you WILL...or ELSE.
There is a picture of me from last Christmas Eve sitting at the table waiting for everyone to come in for dinner. I look pale, lost, unhealthy and terrified. I had good reason but it's a horrible picture. Someone took it during the short moment where I let my guard down and thought no one was looking. The rest of the day I spent trying to seem as happy as possible, but I was "white knucklin' it" as J and I say.
The magical thing is that this year I am happy. For real. I'm still terrified but I'm truly happy.
I will be with my mom who needs us right now. I will be with my dad who needs us right now. They will be with me because I need them right now. It's a lovely little thing called unconditional love. We has it (sic). There's not a single guarantee but there's love. Thank God for that or we'd all be curled up in a ball waiting for the next kick to the gut.
So here's to Christmas. Whatever your beliefs....whatever you celebrate I'll bet dollars to donuts it's about love. That's the spirit. That's the real reason for the season.
And MAN do I love you guys. All of you. Thank you again for being my reason for happiness this year. My reason for being okay even when I'm not. No matter what is next I still have it all.
Anyway, we were talking about how shaken up I was by Elizabeth Edwards death. Of course a lot of it was just being so sorry that she was gone and admiring her spirit. But there was a very selfish side to my feelings.....her cancer had been taken care of..in remission...they got it all out.....then it came back. In her bones. I don't like that one bit. It scares the living shit out of me. Every pain I have sends me into a hotflash of nerves....picturing the cells spreading. Or I think of my mom...wondering...ugh...just wondering. I can't even say it.
This is normal, I realize that. But it's hard. It shocks you awake at 3am with a giant lump in your throat (is that lump cancer????) no it's just the sobs. (Not to be confused with the S.O.B.s....those guys are jerks.) It paralyzes you when you get a shooting pain in your breast during a staff meeting. It removes every ounce of trust you had in anything ever being easy or safe again. It may be easy here and there...but it won't stay easy. Knowing that is hard. It's sad sometimes. Makes me feel like all my little girl cells are gone forever.
It also infuses every moment of my seemingly normal day with weight and beauty that runs so deep that it starts to feel like my blood. It makes me crazy excited to be home and warm and watching our awesome TV with the cat and my husband after a long day at work. It makes coffee taste better than ever. It makes me laugh so hard at my friends jokes that I cry. It makes me look at Jason and see him with a clarity and love that I've never known. It makes me feel alive. From stem to stern....alive. That is a gift. A Christmas miracle if you will...and you WILL...or ELSE.
There is a picture of me from last Christmas Eve sitting at the table waiting for everyone to come in for dinner. I look pale, lost, unhealthy and terrified. I had good reason but it's a horrible picture. Someone took it during the short moment where I let my guard down and thought no one was looking. The rest of the day I spent trying to seem as happy as possible, but I was "white knucklin' it" as J and I say.
The magical thing is that this year I am happy. For real. I'm still terrified but I'm truly happy.
I will be with my mom who needs us right now. I will be with my dad who needs us right now. They will be with me because I need them right now. It's a lovely little thing called unconditional love. We has it (sic). There's not a single guarantee but there's love. Thank God for that or we'd all be curled up in a ball waiting for the next kick to the gut.
So here's to Christmas. Whatever your beliefs....whatever you celebrate I'll bet dollars to donuts it's about love. That's the spirit. That's the real reason for the season.
And MAN do I love you guys. All of you. Thank you again for being my reason for happiness this year. My reason for being okay even when I'm not. No matter what is next I still have it all.
Friday, December 03, 2010
my fortune
I just had a conversation via gchat with one of my oldest and dearest friends. I asked her for a favor...something that would be a help to my family. It wasn't that she said yes that moved me it was how she said yes. Not only was there no hesitation in her reply but there was a joy to it that reduced me to tears. This has happened so much this year. I don't even know where to put it. That feeling of being sad and worried and helpless then having these people...these friends that just say "here you go" and then "what else would help?"
Not to get all George Baily on everyone, but man...it makes me feel so rich and full.
I'm going to find a way to make millions and when I do I'm taking all of you to a warm and pretty place for a month.
Not to get all George Baily on everyone, but man...it makes me feel so rich and full.
I'm going to find a way to make millions and when I do I'm taking all of you to a warm and pretty place for a month.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
The Blessing (if you are in my family don't read this post yet)
Every time I say those words I picture the old man in Christmas Vacation pointing to his mouth and saying "THE BLESSS-ING!" to his old deaf wife. Adorable. Anywhat, I volunteered to do the blessing at Thanksgiving dinner this year. I feel like my dad needs a break...in general. Just from having to do emotional things. Taking care of his daughter last year....taking care of his wife during chemo now....being there for his brother as his brother takes care of his wife who is about to face chemo and just had major surgery. As I say....poor everyone. Really. Everyone needs a hug and some turkey and peace and quiet and a fire in the fireplace.
So since I'm feeling pretty strong and deep these days I decided to take a crack at the reading. God means different things to everyone and to me. Interpret however you see fit but I think the message is right no matter what you believe.
Here is what I will say:
After a difficult year I feel like we all have our dukes up…feeling vulnerable and untrusting…waiting for the next punch from around a corner. But maybe instead we should try, as I think we already do, to look back with thanks and grace…then do our best to look forward with the same.
Blessings continue to abound during darker times……roofs over heads, food in bellies, limbs all attached (so far…the day is young and the turkey not yet carved so everyone BE CAREFUL!)…and most importantly the love that we all share. It breathes with us at every turn and has provided the extra layer of warmth we’ve needed to trudge through some pretty chilly paths.
I found three quotes that spoke to me as one fluid prayer. A.W. Tozer, Henry Ward Beecher and Rebecca Harding Davis might not like me mixing their words into one pot, but too bad. They can take it up with my lawyer once they learn how to communicate from BEYOND THE GRAVE!!!
Let us pray.
“Perhaps it takes a purer faith to praise God for unrealized blessings than for those we once enjoyed or those we enjoy now.”
“Remember God's bounty in the year. String the pearls of His favor. Hide the dark parts, except so far as they are breaking out in light! Give this one day to thanks, to joy, to gratitude!”
“For, after all, put it as we may to ourselves, we are all of us from birth to death guests at a table which we did not spread. The sun, the earth, love, friends, our very breath are parts of the banquet.... Shall we think of the day as a chance to come nearer to our Host, and to find out something of Him who has fed us so long?”
Thank you God, for the blessings of yesterday, tomorrow and today.
So since I'm feeling pretty strong and deep these days I decided to take a crack at the reading. God means different things to everyone and to me. Interpret however you see fit but I think the message is right no matter what you believe.
Here is what I will say:
After a difficult year I feel like we all have our dukes up…feeling vulnerable and untrusting…waiting for the next punch from around a corner. But maybe instead we should try, as I think we already do, to look back with thanks and grace…then do our best to look forward with the same.
Blessings continue to abound during darker times……roofs over heads, food in bellies, limbs all attached (so far…the day is young and the turkey not yet carved so everyone BE CAREFUL!)…and most importantly the love that we all share. It breathes with us at every turn and has provided the extra layer of warmth we’ve needed to trudge through some pretty chilly paths.
I found three quotes that spoke to me as one fluid prayer. A.W. Tozer, Henry Ward Beecher and Rebecca Harding Davis might not like me mixing their words into one pot, but too bad. They can take it up with my lawyer once they learn how to communicate from BEYOND THE GRAVE!!!
Let us pray.
“Perhaps it takes a purer faith to praise God for unrealized blessings than for those we once enjoyed or those we enjoy now.”
“Remember God's bounty in the year. String the pearls of His favor. Hide the dark parts, except so far as they are breaking out in light! Give this one day to thanks, to joy, to gratitude!”
“For, after all, put it as we may to ourselves, we are all of us from birth to death guests at a table which we did not spread. The sun, the earth, love, friends, our very breath are parts of the banquet.... Shall we think of the day as a chance to come nearer to our Host, and to find out something of Him who has fed us so long?”
Thank you God, for the blessings of yesterday, tomorrow and today.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Tuesday, November 09, 2010
Another milestone
Tomorrow is one year since my surgery. Crappily enough, my aunt is having her surgery today. She will have to have a bi-lateral mastectomy though, which breaks my heart, but will hopefully be a life saver for her. Obviously, I have her on the brain and in the heart pretty much every second today. I just hope it's not too horrible and that the spread is minimal or non-existent.
It reminded me of my happiest moment of the past year.
The day of my lumpectomy I was terrified. Worried it would be in my lymph nodes, worried I would have some weird reaction to the meds...just worried. I woke up feeling more nauseated than I have ever felt in my life but incredibly relieved it was over. The FIRST thing they said to me was "no spread to the nodes...blah blah something something...clear margins." I started bawling and laughing and then announced that I was naked in a very loud voice. They assured me I wasn't naked but I assured THEM I think I would know my own nakedness. I wasn't naked.
Anyway, after I came to a little more they had me sit up in a little room and brought me the best soda (special drink) of my LIFE. It was a giant Tupperware full of crushed ice and Sprite with a straw. I wish I could create for you how good it was after the surgery....it was like....relief in bubbly, cold, refreshing form. Form makes it sound gross but you know what I mean.
So then they said I could have one visitor come back and sit with me. I said "Jason...my husband". He walked in through the curtain about 3 minutes later...white faced (Jason loses all pigment under duress), shaky but smiling from ear to ear. To enter that area you had to wear a lab coat???? Don't ask me why. But in his rush he chose the smallest most 1970's looking lab coat I've ever seen. Plus he tried to button it for some reason which just added to the hilarity. It instantly got us both giggling and we just sat there laughing and taking pictures of him with clipboards making doctor faces in this tiny little recovery space. It was the laughter of two very nervous and flipped out people with a long road ahead of them, but laughter none the less.
I realized today that I use that memory as a "happy moment" when I'm down. I don't really have any resolution for that story except that maybe that was the moment that secured me and J as a family. From that moment on I knew I could count on him to show up with or without a ridiculous lab coat on for the rest of our lives. Plus there was this look on his face that I'm sure he'd felt before but I had never seen or understood. Just nothing but love for me in his eyes. What a gift.
I know my uncle Deacon will be there today for Terri with the patent pending Allen family sense of humor even when things are pretty effing BLEAK and the tenderness and love she'll need.
I wish I had a funny something today...I'm drawing a blank. If I could only find the pic of J in that labcoat!!!! I've looked everywhere and can't find it. Frowntown. Oh well it's burned on my brain (hi steph).
It reminded me of my happiest moment of the past year.
The day of my lumpectomy I was terrified. Worried it would be in my lymph nodes, worried I would have some weird reaction to the meds...just worried. I woke up feeling more nauseated than I have ever felt in my life but incredibly relieved it was over. The FIRST thing they said to me was "no spread to the nodes...blah blah something something...clear margins." I started bawling and laughing and then announced that I was naked in a very loud voice. They assured me I wasn't naked but I assured THEM I think I would know my own nakedness. I wasn't naked.
Anyway, after I came to a little more they had me sit up in a little room and brought me the best soda (special drink) of my LIFE. It was a giant Tupperware full of crushed ice and Sprite with a straw. I wish I could create for you how good it was after the surgery....it was like....relief in bubbly, cold, refreshing form. Form makes it sound gross but you know what I mean.
So then they said I could have one visitor come back and sit with me. I said "Jason...my husband". He walked in through the curtain about 3 minutes later...white faced (Jason loses all pigment under duress), shaky but smiling from ear to ear. To enter that area you had to wear a lab coat???? Don't ask me why. But in his rush he chose the smallest most 1970's looking lab coat I've ever seen. Plus he tried to button it for some reason which just added to the hilarity. It instantly got us both giggling and we just sat there laughing and taking pictures of him with clipboards making doctor faces in this tiny little recovery space. It was the laughter of two very nervous and flipped out people with a long road ahead of them, but laughter none the less.
I realized today that I use that memory as a "happy moment" when I'm down. I don't really have any resolution for that story except that maybe that was the moment that secured me and J as a family. From that moment on I knew I could count on him to show up with or without a ridiculous lab coat on for the rest of our lives. Plus there was this look on his face that I'm sure he'd felt before but I had never seen or understood. Just nothing but love for me in his eyes. What a gift.
I know my uncle Deacon will be there today for Terri with the patent pending Allen family sense of humor even when things are pretty effing BLEAK and the tenderness and love she'll need.
I wish I had a funny something today...I'm drawing a blank. If I could only find the pic of J in that labcoat!!!! I've looked everywhere and can't find it. Frowntown. Oh well it's burned on my brain (hi steph).
Friday, November 05, 2010
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