I have more to say. I think what I woke up with today was more of that realization of the roller coaster that my sister mentioned that one time. It's just SO up and down. I can hardly keep up. Yesterday I was so happy and relaxed and loved my new hair style and felt so empowered and strong. I woke up feeling the same until I went to run some pomade through my awesome new "do" and looked down and got a GIANT handful of reminder that I have a ways to go with all of this. It wasn't that bad. I don't feel like I'm a big mess or anything, but as the day goes on it just keeps hitting me that this is going to happen in real time. Not some movie montage of me, bald and plowing through treatments and emotions and recovery in the time it takes for an Andrew Bird song to play. I want it to just be May but that's not the way science and time work, nor should it. I don't REALLY want that either. I know this is important stuff I'm going through and I need to be present and aware and learn all I can. I'm just exhausted from trying to work through it all. IT really hasn't been that bad of an experience but sometimes I'm so tired of having it in the front of my mind at all times that I want to roundhouse a wall or something. But then that voice that says "this could be SO much scarier!" pops into my head and I say "i know...I know...I KNOW!" but still....the feelings can be tiresome. Healthy yes. But tiresome.
And the pressure to be changed and new and doing something important with my future when all I really want to do is drink wine and sleep and maybe do some laughing in between. But I'll get there. I know I will.
me me me me me....that's the other part I hate lately. I feel so self centered, but I guess I get to be with all this.
Okay. Just had a few toxins to get out. I feel better...thanks blog.
My montage song.
2 comments:
These last two posts made me cry. Maybe because I read them together and they really hit home for me, especially since wilco and andrew bird are what got me through my cancer experience. Hugs to you. The living through it is the hardest and ironically the best part, because after it is over, your memory IS the montage and you can say "I LIVED through that, and I am still okay".
More Hugs.
Oh Erin I'm sorry they made you cry but am happy they reminded you of how far you've come!
Wilco has been like soundtracking our (including Jason in that) experience with all of this. We saw them live right around the time of my bone scan when they were worried it had spread and Jason and I were a mess!
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