Yeah yeah.....my blog is pink now...

....so lame. I feel like a lemming. BUT it just seems the right thing to do until the storm passes.

Revelation of the moment. I was thinking about the second to worst case scenario last night, which still involves me living and breathing and having a long life. Bi-lateral mastectomy and chemo. I'm terrified of those two things but will do what I have to do. Obviously most of that is vanity. I don't want to lose my boobs and hair. At all. Who does? No one. That's who. BUT it washed over me while I was on my walk home from the train that no matter what, my inside REAL self is solid. I like who I am and how I feel inside pretty much all the time these days and nothing can shake that. In fact I can almost feel that me getting stronger and more aware as I move through this experience. Thank god. I can't imagine being worried about the tertiary as well as my spirit guts. My core is happy and peaceful and is loved and loves. My hair will grow back and I'll just get a set of circa 1998 C cups and call it a day. I mean I realize it's harder than that but knowing that those who love me love ME while facing all these ugly possibilities just makes me want to be the best person I can be forever. I can do that without hair or boobs for a few months.

That being said, (I hate that expression) I still am doing my nightly mantra of "lumpectomy, radiation, hormone therapy.....no reoccurring anything". I say that 5 times before falling asleep. That may not be the healthiest but I'm just one man for god's sake!


Now on to more important things. I've had a lot of calls, letters, emails, Twits asking.....


"Hey crescent. Long time/First time. Sorry to hear you have cancer and all that but what we REALLY need to know is how Calaban is handling all this trauma in the home?"



A: He's a wreck. Can't eat....can't sleep....worried sick.

I mean look at that torment on his face!!!! First he loses his job, then he falls off the wagon and now THIS! We are screening therapists in the Hamptons this weekend.

Breats.

One other funny thing. I have ALWAYS had a problem typing the word BREAST correctly. I always type BREAT or BREATS. Now that I have to type it all the time I realize what a real problem this is.

But it adds some levity. Breat cancer. hhahahhaha.....oh whoops......nope. Still not funny. (come on...it's KINDA funny. admit it.)

The Why (M...C...A..)

I took last night home alone to do some crying and sleeping and Project Runway watching and thinking. It helped a lot I think. I woke up today and feel like I understand why this is happening more clearly.

I haven't lived a healthy life for years and years. Not like John Goodman unhealthy, but never really paying attention to what I eat or drink or don't do. I was very healthy as a teen and even early college but then just threw all that out the window in the spirit of "living in the NOW dude". Not saying I did this BC thing to myself but nothing shocks you into reality about your body faster than "you have cancer". I keep having these waves of feeling really sorry for myself but I found today that when I focus on what changes I'm making to my health I feel better instantly. It's a positive to focus on that has nothing but good results. For the first time it doesn't feel like "oh crap. I guess I should get healthy and lose weight....sigh" it's more like "this is it. go. do this now." Plus I need to be strong in body and in spirit for this journey ahead.

I like it. It's being forced on me by the universe or fate or whatever, yes, but I'll take it. It's time.


Okay....hmmmm....something funny now.....

OH! This is a good one. I accidentally blew a kiss to a vendor as she left today! I was on the phone with my dad talking insurance and recovery and water heaters and what not and she left a card on my desk and started waving and for some reason I blew her a kiss. I was so embarrassed but then....SHE BLEW ONE BACK! It was so funny. It all happened so fast.

welp....

....it's cancer. BUT it's only stage 2 which is way better than stage three. I meet with the surgeon tomorrow to see what's next. I'm doing okay actually. Three things that have been lovely since I found out.

1. Jason.
2. My oldest sister telling me that my she and my middle sister "are sisters again" thanks to this. That made my birthday. They are always great but have had some hard times and found each other again through this. I think I might have cried harder over that than anything because it made me so happy.
3. The realization that I have more love in my heart and in my life than I ever imagined. That will get me through.

I'm ready to fight. Up for it all. Feeling lucky and amazed that I'm, literally, facing my biggest fear and it's really not that bad. I'm scared but ready. Sad but joyful. Certainly the furthest from alone I've ever been. Let's get it done.

Love to all,
C

ouch

Biopsy over. Was kind of a nightmare but that's just because for some reason the novacaine didn't work the first round but none of us realized that until the cut was made and the needle went in. I actually screamed. I haven't screamed in pain in a long long time. BUT it's over and I loved the doctors and they were so great and sorry that it went down like that. I'm fine now for the most part. Just a little sore. They are pretty sure that surgery is the next step but who knows. I'm fine with that really but they better knock me out.

Jason took me to Naha for a super fancy lunch afterwards and that was really wonderful.

Results on Wednesday of next week. So until then I'm just going to relax and enjoy my weekend home in Stevens Point.

Lots of love,
C

PS - my experience is so not the norm so if any of you ever have to have this done you have pretty much a 98% chance of no pain at all. Mine was a fluke. A seeringly, painful, fluke.

Step by step

Scheduled for October 1st. Before my birthday so that's good. Here's hoping it's nothing! And thanks to everyone for your sweet comments. I have such great humans in my life. And a good for nothing cat, but I still love him too.

A Bit of a Downer.

So things you don't want to hear from a doctor:

"that's 40 lbs more than your last visit"


"you're 35? You better have a baby this second."


"we found a very suspicious mass. you have to have a biopsy right away."


The last two I've heard in the past 6 months. The last one yesterday. I am hoping that it will end up being nothing but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared to death. I debated writing about it because I am not looking for sympathy or trying to worry anyone. But I keep thinking that if I write about it hopefully it will all be okay and I can go back and read this and enjoy the flood of relief. OR if it's not such a good outcome this will be a place I can process it all.



and MOSTLY I originally started this blog to find the good in the bad. So let's do that now.



The Brighter Side of a bad ultrasound and boob smashing:

1. My friends. Holy crap my friends. Megan taking the day off to go with me and then taking me out for lunch and drinks and letting me cry sporadically and make horrible dark jokes all day. I don't know what I would've done if I had gone on my own as I originally intended and insisted.



2. More friends. I ended up having such a fun time last night just hanging out with my neighbors and Morgan and Megan in the yard. It kept me distracted and reminded me how lucky I am. Other friends emailing and offering time and distraction.



3. Family. My family is just so good at this stuff. All falling into the roles I need them too. Dad being a total sympathizer and making me feel completely at ease with being a little freaked out and crying. Mom explaining her similar experience and telling me to pretend to be hysterical so they give me more Valium and also letting me bawl my head off. Kendra saying that her gut says it's nothing and that since she is still looking for a job she could just come and take care of me if it IS something. Jacy telling me a bunch of stories of friends that made it through the worst and that she'd be here in 2 hours if need be. Jason staying totally calm and listening intently while I vacillated between being "fine" and "flipping out".



4. I can't really eat because I'm nervous so I've dropped a few more pounds! Yay!



5. Experience! Lessons! Whatever happens I never ever want to be lying on a table hearing those words again so I'm about to take my health way more seriously. Not that I did anything to cause this particular issue but still. Wake up calls and all that.

So not so bad. I'm being way more dramatic about it than I need to be but it just startled me, as Jason would say. I feel very startled. But loved. And optimistic that it will be okay no matter what.

In other news.....

Calaban can't even be bothered to fold laundry. *shaking head in disgust*