What's the buzz!?

Done! It feels so great to be past the worry of the shave. It really went well and I feel great. Now just have to get through five more treatments and I'm out of the scariest part of the woods.

I'm wigging it up at work today.

sorry...I'm back

I have more to say. I think what I woke up with today was more of that realization of the roller coaster that my sister mentioned that one time. It's just SO up and down. I can hardly keep up. Yesterday I was so happy and relaxed and loved my new hair style and felt so empowered and strong. I woke up feeling the same until I went to run some pomade through my awesome new "do" and looked down and got a GIANT handful of reminder that I have a ways to go with all of this. It wasn't that bad. I don't feel like I'm a big mess or anything, but as the day goes on it just keeps hitting me that this is going to happen in real time. Not some movie montage of me, bald and plowing through treatments and emotions and recovery in the time it takes for an Andrew Bird song to play. I want it to just be May but that's not the way science and time work, nor should it. I don't REALLY want that either. I know this is important stuff I'm going through and I need to be present and aware and learn all I can. I'm just exhausted from trying to work through it all. IT really hasn't been that bad of an experience but sometimes I'm so tired of having it in the front of my mind at all times that I want to roundhouse a wall or something. But then that voice that says "this could be SO much scarier!" pops into my head and I say "i know...I know...I KNOW!" but still....the feelings can be tiresome. Healthy yes. But tiresome.

And the pressure to be changed and new and doing something important with my future when all I really want to do is drink wine and sleep and maybe do some laughing in between. But I'll get there. I know I will.

me me me me me....that's the other part I hate lately. I feel so self centered, but I guess I get to be with all this.

Okay. Just had a few toxins to get out. I feel better...thanks blog.

My montage song.

That's right....it's come to this......

I'm posting a Wilco song to explain where my feeeeeeeelings are today. I can do what I want! (runs into room and slams door and turns rock and roll music up too loud!!!!)

Besides, today is the first day I've been able to listen to my iPod in months. It's been working but the songs that come up just seem too hard to hear. Today I'm trying to get over that and let the music be more healing and calming. It's mostly working. If a song starts making me sad I just skip it.

Maybe the sun will shine today
The clouds will blow away
Maybe I won’t feel so afraid
I will try to understand
Either way

My jam today.

Okay so not a total shave off yet.....BUT

I love it too. I feel totally free and great about myself. Monique was a great advisor and did such a nice job making me feel comfortable.

A bunch of my closest friends came over and we drank wine and laughed and cried and then went out for dinner.

I feel good about the decision not to totally shave yet. This gives me time to get used to the short cut and feels way less dramatic to picture it shaved now.

So all is well. Another little mini-hurdle tackled. Plus I love the snow.

hair

it's just hair....it's just hair...it's just hair. It will grow back. Jason loves me no matter what. I have friends and family at every turn. I have two great wigs thanks to those friends and family.

Still feel like if I didn't have to work I could EASILY cry for eight hours. Thankfully I DO have to work. I keep trying to figure out if this is the worst part. I don't think it is, but I'm not sure. It's certainly the part of right now that feels the worst. But I know I'm doing the right thing by the big shave. I'm pulling out tons of hair at work and it's freaky, man. FREAKY. I don't want that to happen any more. I just want to be to the "dealing with it" phase. And I will be by 7pm tonight. Usually when something feels this scary it ends up being not even close to as scary as I thought.

So here's hoping my head isn't shaped like my thumbs.

Love,
C

Keeping It Together

So I'm very tired today which is normal and not a big deal but I find when I'm tired I'm a little less resilient. Anyway, I was starting to feel kind of freaky anxious about the hair fall out (hasn't happened yet but will soon). BUT then I thought the following thought:

Remember that day in the surgeon's office with Jason? That feeling of how much lay ahead and how terrifying it all was. The tests, the tests and the more tests? The surgery day and the recovery? The blood clot in my armpit that felt like I was being shot in said armpit every five minutes? The three week wait to find out if I had to have chemo or not? The build up to that first treatment? All of that is done. DONE! It's part of the story now. Waiting for my hair to go is the last big scary thing and it doesn't hurt and will grow back. I can handle it. I can handle it.

Thank you brain.

Ladies and Germs.....

I'm back! Sorry for the blog lapse. I wasn't feeling it last week, but am back at work and ready to talk! I don't have my Flip with me to show you the events from the big Wiggin' Out fundraiser my darling friends put on for me but I'll do that this week.

Let's just talk pros and cons of chemo, shall we?

Cons: What I call "Chemo-Cliche's"....bloody noses (so 1970s chemo), small fits of rage (sooooo Meredith Baxter-Birney), waking up every day to wonder if my pillow will have a hair shaped Crescent's head outline on it, and heartburnnnnnn. Hot flashes. What am I? That lady from that show that got breast cancer and has hot flashes??? Jeeze.

Cons part 2: "Chemo-Surprise!"....dry everything. I feel like changing my middle name to Sahara...you with me people? (leans on mic while wearing skinny tie and suspenders)...and what's the deal with airplane toliets!?? I mean come ON! Am I right?
But seriously folks, black out naps. One minute I'm doing something or talking to Jason or enjoying high quality television when BAM! I'm asleep and dreamless for like 5 hours. It's nuts.
WINE TASTES WEIRD AND BURNS!!!! This, my friends, is a big CON for ol' Cres Cres. I'm sure it's for the best but I miss my soothin' bardonad.

PROS: Yes there are pros! My face skin feels like a holy mix of cloud butter, unicorn hugs and Kenny Loggins songs. It must be the no wine and lots of water but it's something you MUST feel if you have the chance. Very choice.
My chin hairs are falling out! HOLLA ATCHA BOY!!!! (RAISING ROOF MOTION!)
Also, Jason is more liberal with my favorite jokes. He did the band teacher bit TWICE for me yesterday and once WHILE I was crying! That is love, my friends....that is love.

Dreams to remember

Remember that song in The Cutting Edge in the scene after he turns her down because she's too drunk and he says "Not like this" and she says "not like what? Not like ME? In case you hadn't noticed I'm THROWING myself at you!"

Then in the next scene he's drinking from tiny bottles on his bed and that song "I got dreams....dreams to remember...." is playing in the back. Then the trampy other ice skating girl comes over.

Anyway, this has nothing to do with that. I just like thinking about that movie sometimes. Plus I know Stephie will know what I'm talking about. Hi Steph!!!!

MY dream last night was that I'd had my first treatment but didn't remember it. I woke up (in the dream) to pee and evaluated how I felt and realized I only felt kind of swimmy and dizzy. I was so relieved in the dream. I know I won't get off that lucky but it was still nice and hopeful.

Also I like that my mind is working on keeping me calm even when I'm sleeping. I had a little freak out last night for a few minutes worrying about it all but I just decided not to focus on that and enjoy the best night of TV ever. Two 30 Rocks? That ruled.

My week has stayed good. I made my wig consultation appointment, I am joining Gilda's Club for yoga and support, I have read up on every single drug that is going into my body and now tonight I get to have a birthday dinner (hers...not mine) with my sister and my brother in law. I can't wait.

Feeling the love,
C

PS - how wonderful are my friends?

My cocktail

I'm posting this to just have it for my own resource but also for anyone who is curious. I find that the more I read up the less freaked I feel (most times....some days I want to run to Mexico and live in a tree, never to be found again).

These are the three drugs I'll be getting in my chemo. The last one is the one that is being used in the clinical trial to find out if it helps stop breast (breat) cancer from coming back. I'm a perfect candidate because of my age (35), my tumor size before removal (2 cm) and my specific cancer (stage II invasive ductile cell carcenoma, HER2 neg (human epidermal growth factor receptor negative) meaning I don't carry the gene and estrogen receptor postive meaning it is hormone based.

Lots of info I know, but knowledge is power, if you will pardon the cliche'.

http://www.taxotere.com/consumer/taxotere_treatment/side_effects.aspx


http://www.medicinenet.com/cyclophosphamide/article.htm


http://www.avastin.com/avastin/patient/index.m (this is the trial drug)

A better week

So the strife and drama I was oozing out last week has melted away a bit. I had a great weekend and even though my treatments are postponed until next week they are FINALLY done testing me and I am officially registered for the study and did, indeed, end up in the third experimental arm of the study. This means I will be receiving the Bevacizumab. I will have six treatments of that and the other regular chemo drugs then when I am done with that I will do six more treatments of JUST the Bevacizumab but they come with almost no side effects so it's just a matter of going in and having the i.v. for an hour every three weeks. No biggie. And the drug has had great success with stopping the recurrence of lung and colon cancers so let's hope it does the same for BC.

I spent a few hours yesterday getting all my meds and chemo kit stuff put together and it feels great. I feel ready and strong for once.

Okay that was a boring post but I'm slammed at work. Love to all and if you can make it to this benefit that my friends put together I'd love to see you. It's really a special thing they did for me and I'll never forget it.

emo vertigo

Man. I am up and down this week. That's why I haven't written but I suppose I should write even when it's bad. I'm fine. Heart tests were good. All is good. But this study....grrr.r.....I know in my heart it's the right thing to do but the extra tests and red tape are making me rage out. I don't even feel like explaining it. Basically I will probably start Tuesday as planned but there is a chance I could start the NEXT tuesday. Which is fine. I don't know why I'm so mad about it. I think it's just I'm tired of not knowing things. I'm tired of not having a solid answer for people at work and in my life. I just want to GET GOING!!!!

Man. Phew. Okay....breathing. There's nothing to even be this angry about. I just am having a day. I have a very fun weekend planned so I'm going to just enjoy it.

I think what it really comes down to is that I meant to get regular hummus and grabbed the red pepper kind. I hate the red pepper kind. WHY ME GOD??????

just kiddding God. I know why me. I can do this. I can do this.

But I'm NOT eating this hummus. That I can't do.

Meditations on Reinvention

This is an opportunity for reinvention. I keep picturing being bald and trying to see it like being a baby or an alien. A new birth as opposed to a sick person. I try and visualize the meds being a power cleanse of my everything. I want to come out of this squeaky clean inside and go head first towards, what I think is my calling, helping people in these very same situations. I want to see my health as a power and treasure and feed it as such. I want to find a love of physical motion. I want to explore my spiritual side and use it as part of the healing process. I want to find a way to thank everyone I know. I want to rearrange the way I view family for me and Jason and welcome that new vision with open arms and heart. But mostly I want to be well and find strength in the fact that I will have, literally, faced my greatest fear. Cancer. Cancer in others and in myself. Then find a way to ease the fear for someone else. Because the fear is the worst part. The unknown. I am going to know it and drain it of every possible lesson and wealth it has to offer and leave the rest behind me in a blaze.

PS - I plan to use my new Flip to document a lot of this process. Might be a huge mistake. I don't care. I want to so I'm gonna. I would give anything to to have that to watch now to ease my fear but I don't so I'll just create it. For myself, for someone else, for no one. I just want it on file.

Flip...flip...fli-padelphia!

I got a Flip for Christmas! AND a fire pit. AND lots of Packer stuff. AND a Christmas Story Leg Lamp Major Award! and lots more. Here is my first foray into film making. God help us all.

Chriiisssstmaahhhs

Title of entry is from my favorite Christmas movie of all time.



Feeling good today. VERY excited to see my family and my other family (in-laws). I'm going to eat lots of ham and play dominoes and watch movies and open presents and drink in every single ounce of love I can.

The past few months have been harder than any I've known but also the most profound. Jason and I were saying the other night that we feel like we've aged about 10 years through this process but I like to think that we've grown, not aged.

The past couple weeks have been rough and there have been a lot of tears shed but also some major belly laughs and fantastic awakenings. So many people are enduring such worse times and hardships. We have so so much and a great outlook on the other side of this mess. So there, universe. Take that.

Jason said something about "an Easter row" in his sleep last night. Then he laughed at himself, also in his sleep. Very funny.....also creepy, but I'll keep him.

Merry Christmas!!!!

No frozen Prah's after all.

Sadly after talking the fertility doctor today we all decided that freezing some embryos pre chemo is just too risky. The problem is that since my cancer is hormone receptor positive it basically eats estrogen. So to put off chemo for a month to pump me full of estrogen and other hormones to do an egg harvest puts me at risk for the cancer to attach to my organs or brain. It's not a HUGE chance but it's a chance and it happens. She (our fertility doctor) lost a patient a few years ago who was 25 and took the risk.

A part of me wants to say F it. Let's do it and hope for the best. But another very important part of me, Jason, says no. And I agree really. He said that if we did this and something happened to me he could never live with himself. So that's that.

Now all we can really do is just hope against hope that somehow my ovaries make it through these treatments. If they don't there are always donor eggs or even donor embryos or adoption.

I think we are both just really worn down today. Everything feels so hard and nebulous. I mean there is sooooo many good things...no cancer in my nodes, none in the other breast, etc. but today I still just feel like we are due a lottery win or something.

As we were riding back today we were both pretty weepy and quiet. We passed this horrible, divey chicken restaurant and convenience store and out of the blue Jason says, "You want some fried chicken and a pack of Newports?" and I instantly replied "Kind of!". You kind of had to be there but we laughed our asses off.

My friend Eva and I were instant messaging and I was crying at my desk, which i HATE to do, and she sent me this and said "watch this right now!"



She was totally right. It was hard not to feel a little more bad ass after watching. hahahahaha

Music

I'm trying to listen to music more because I have a hard time with it for some reason. I think I'm just a little too raw for it or something somedays. Anyway, it's funny because I started listening to one of my really good friends from college and still a really good friend here in the city. His music just all of a sudden was the music for this time. Very strange how that happens. With The Places just feels like the perfect expression of how my insides feel right now. It makes me a little eye leaky but in a good way. I just sent him an email letting him know but figured everyone should have a listen because he's wonderful.

http://www.myspace.com/benarvan

I'll update everyone after our fertility appt. tomorrow.

love and kisses,
Crescent

Chemo? I hardly know her!!!!!

Well finally got word and before my radiation and hormone therapy there will be chemo....(not to be confused with the super boring movie about drinking milkshakes and what not).

I was pretty shaken up yesterday but am coming to terms with it. I keep thinking of those who welcome chemo because it is their only small chance at extending their lives or getting a tiny bit better. I am having it to help lower my odds of EVER having to deal with this b.s. again as I get older. I mean I'm not looking forward to it (understatement of the CENTURY) but I know it's the right thing to do.

I've decided to participate in a clinical study for my treatments so that feels good. Hopefully it will bring more healing to breast cancer patients in the decades to come. Plus....SCIENCE!!!! You know how I love the science.

I am scared of being sick. I am scared of losing my hair. I am terrified and a little angry that I won't be able to have children in the normal "hey I got preggers!" way. I am scared of missing work too much. So that's what.....4 things? I can handle that. I'm WAY more scared of being 45 and having someone say "it's back...and worse".

We meet with the fertility doc on Friday to find out how to get this whole zygote freezing thing done asap. Like in the next couple of weeks, asap. Let's hope that all goes well.

I'm tired and lazy and want to sleep a lot but that's normal I think. I'm trying to just power through that and get to the "let's kick it in the butt" phase, which I think is right around the corner.

I have this imagery I've been using when I really feel down. I think of all the love that I have around me....family, friends...new and old and I picture that love kind of creating a bubble around me and just lifting me through all this. It really really helps because it's almost totally real. That's how everyone has been. There for me without question. So many people. So much love for my bubble ride.

Something funny: Jason. He is just so funny. There are at least 5 things just in the past few days I could post as hilarious Jason moments but my two most recent faves are his "tiny burp" while we were playing cards last night. I don't know why but it didn't sound like his normal burps and was so small and gross. We couldn't stop laughing. It felt like when I sat at the funny boys table at lunch in junior high. Where I just couldn't stop laughing. That and on the ride back from the bad news dr. appt yesterday I was dead silent and really stunned and out of nowhere he went "BLAH!" and grabbed my knee like you do when you are trying to scare the hiccups out of someone. It was so random and such a funny way for him to get to me. I don't know...it was just sweet for some reason. Like he was saying "HEY! BOO! This will be okay! I'm still right here annoying you and always will be!".

Job? What's a job? Ohhhhhhhh a JOB!

Work! It's going well. I woke up really sore and tired today but had it shaken off by 10 a.m. I got a ton done and am feeling in the groove. Having a day to day again is very helpful to my head and heart. I feel part of the office family finally and got over three hugs yesterday and am expecting one more today. oh man I just got one after typing that! I love work hugs. I don't know why but I do. They are good practice for me. I'm working on being a better hugger, if you didn't know.

Life! I have my next appt next Tuesday so I'm just trying to relax until then. I plan to stay home pretty much every night this week so that I'm well rested. Plus I'm doing some detoxing too to be at my best.

Cats! I think Calaban is mad at me for going back to work. He hardly sat with me at all last night. He would come over to me and I would make this awesome, comfy looking spot on my lap with his favorite blanket (the weom, for those in the know) and he would stare at me then meow then waltz RIGHT over to Jason and sit on his lap even though Jason wasn't even lying down and didn't have a blanket or anything. We will work it out but I might have to take him (Calaban) out for coffee to really address the situation.

Hormones! I thought the hormone thing had passed but last night I smashed one of my favorite water glasses on the floor by accident while trying to make dinner and then Jason very nicely said that I should try putting the red wine in the meat and not the sauce at first and I started crying. I hate cooking. HATE IT! But it all turned out just fine. Jason made me laugh and the sauce was really good and the glass got swept up. I think I was just tired. I felt like a four year old.

the waiting game

So my test results from the "onc test" are postponed until the 15th. So still no word on how my follow up treatments will go. BUT feeling great. One thing that I have to get used to is that PMS will just be a total nightmare until this is all over. It was already not my finest hour but with all this cancer jazz it's like some sort of After School Special for about 3 days a month. This month I found myself in the shower sobbing for about 20 minutes because my surgeon doesn't need to see me now for three months. Should be great right? (Dr. Growney, for anyone that, God forbid, needs breast surgery...GO TO HER).

It's just that she is the one that told me the news. That stopped talking when I started bawling in her office and offered me tissues and said "I'm your age. I don't know how you've held it together this long.". The one that held my hand and said "I wish I could tell you what I'd do if I were you but I just don't know." The one that showed up in pre-op and didn't ask why I was crying.....just said "I know...it's a scary day but we will take care of you". And she did. She did such a good job on my breasts. The amount of tissue they took out was....well.....a ton....and she took the time to make sure I still had symmetry and balance. She is the one that made sure I had better pain meds and kept me out of work an extra week because she wanted me to be at my best. I just love her. I really do. I mean it. I LOVE her. How funny is that. Basically she is stranger but I will never forget her and will always be so thankful that the original surgeon was called out the day of our first meeting. She was the one that was supposed to be there for me and she was. I'm toying with sending her a fruit basket or something. Maybe just a card is better. Who knows. All I know is that I miss her already.

THEN I got sad that I have all these cuts on my torso. I've been fine with it but PMS got me and said "Hey....Cres.....So now not only do you have a foot long scar from your car accident down your middle but you also have a 4 inch scar on your left breat and a 2 inch scare on your arm pit".

THEN PMS told me that I better brace myself because this journey is LONG from over. It said "so your surgery is done. big deal. You still have that weird thyroid problem they found that has NOTHING to do with your surgery that will require MORE surgery. You still have radiation.....and maybe chemo.....and five years of hormone therapy and fertility treatments.......long road my friend....long road."

Stupid PMS voice. She has a bad attitude and a terrible personality.

BUT it's passed. I feel myself again and don't feel upset that I had a day or two of "poor me". Whatever. That's normal and healthy and purges some of the emotional toxins I imagine.

Bottom line: My arm is so much better. Back to work Monday. Love Jason. Love my family and friends. Life is good.

Something funny.....OH! this is a good one. My very dear friend, Deanna, that I've known since 4th grade sent me a care package a few weeks ago. I cut the box open and instantly knew what it was by smell. When we were kids we used to play record store at her house in the basement. The store was called "Rapid Records" and we had boyfriends and drama and all sorts of fun stuff. Anyway, these sessions were usually during sleepovers and our fuel of choice was Bugles and watermelon bubble gum. And Skor candy bars but she just sent the gum and a giant bag of Bugles. Of course I bawled when I saw what she had sent and read the card that said "I can't think of any problem that Bugles and watermelon bubble gum can't solve." Amen sister.

Anyway, that night I broke open the Bugles bag during a game night with friends. Jason sat in our black chair munching away and said "Man. Bugles. Remember these? Huh. I wonder if they still make them?"

Answer: Yes Jason they do. And you are eating them currently. We laughed muchly.