Wednesday, November 24, 2010

The Blessing (if you are in my family don't read this post yet)

Every time I say those words I picture the old man in Christmas Vacation pointing to his mouth and saying "THE BLESSS-ING!" to his old deaf wife. Adorable. Anywhat, I volunteered to do the blessing at Thanksgiving dinner this year. I feel like my dad needs a general. Just from having to do emotional things. Taking care of his daughter last year....taking care of his wife during chemo now....being there for his brother as his brother takes care of his wife who is about to face chemo and just had major surgery. As I say....poor everyone. Really. Everyone needs a hug and some turkey and peace and quiet and a fire in the fireplace.

So since I'm feeling pretty strong and deep these days I decided to take a crack at the reading. God means different things to everyone and to me. Interpret however you see fit but I think the message is right no matter what you believe.

Here is what I will say:

After a difficult year I feel like we all have our dukes up…feeling vulnerable and untrusting…waiting for the next punch from around a corner. But maybe instead we should try, as I think we already do, to look back with thanks and grace…then do our best to look forward with the same.

Blessings continue to abound during darker times……roofs over heads, food in bellies, limbs all attached (so far…the day is young and the turkey not yet carved so everyone BE CAREFUL!)…and most importantly the love that we all share. It breathes with us at every turn and has provided the extra layer of warmth we’ve needed to trudge through some pretty chilly paths.

I found three quotes that spoke to me as one fluid prayer. A.W. Tozer, Henry Ward Beecher and Rebecca Harding Davis might not like me mixing their words into one pot, but too bad. They can take it up with my lawyer once they learn how to communicate from BEYOND THE GRAVE!!!

Let us pray.

“Perhaps it takes a purer faith to praise God for unrealized blessings than for those we once enjoyed or those we enjoy now.”

“Remember God's bounty in the year. String the pearls of His favor. Hide the dark parts, except so far as they are breaking out in light! Give this one day to thanks, to joy, to gratitude!”

“For, after all, put it as we may to ourselves, we are all of us from birth to death guests at a table which we did not spread. The sun, the earth, love, friends, our very breath are parts of the banquet.... Shall we think of the day as a chance to come nearer to our Host, and to find out something of Him who has fed us so long?”

Thank you God, for the blessings of yesterday, tomorrow and today.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Another milestone

Tomorrow is one year since my surgery. Crappily enough, my aunt is having her surgery today. She will have to have a bi-lateral mastectomy though, which breaks my heart, but will hopefully be a life saver for her. Obviously, I have her on the brain and in the heart pretty much every second today. I just hope it's not too horrible and that the spread is minimal or non-existent.

It reminded me of my happiest moment of the past year.

The day of my lumpectomy I was terrified. Worried it would be in my lymph nodes, worried I would have some weird reaction to the meds...just worried. I woke up feeling more nauseated than I have ever felt in my life but incredibly relieved it was over. The FIRST thing they said to me was "no spread to the nodes...blah blah something something...clear margins." I started bawling and laughing and then announced that I was naked in a very loud voice. They assured me I wasn't naked but I assured THEM I think I would know my own nakedness. I wasn't naked.

Anyway, after I came to a little more they had me sit up in a little room and brought me the best soda (special drink) of my LIFE. It was a giant Tupperware full of crushed ice and Sprite with a straw. I wish I could create for you how good it was after the was like....relief in bubbly, cold, refreshing form. Form makes it sound gross but you know what I mean.

So then they said I could have one visitor come back and sit with me. I said " husband". He walked in through the curtain about 3 minutes later...white faced (Jason loses all pigment under duress), shaky but smiling from ear to ear. To enter that area you had to wear a lab coat???? Don't ask me why. But in his rush he chose the smallest most 1970's looking lab coat I've ever seen. Plus he tried to button it for some reason which just added to the hilarity. It instantly got us both giggling and we just sat there laughing and taking pictures of him with clipboards making doctor faces in this tiny little recovery space. It was the laughter of two very nervous and flipped out people with a long road ahead of them, but laughter none the less.

I realized today that I use that memory as a "happy moment" when I'm down. I don't really have any resolution for that story except that maybe that was the moment that secured me and J as a family. From that moment on I knew I could count on him to show up with or without a ridiculous lab coat on for the rest of our lives. Plus there was this look on his face that I'm sure he'd felt before but I had never seen or understood. Just nothing but love for me in his eyes. What a gift.

I know my uncle Deacon will be there today for Terri with the patent pending Allen family sense of humor even when things are pretty effing BLEAK and the tenderness and love she'll need.

I wish I had a funny something today...I'm drawing a blank. If I could only find the pic of J in that labcoat!!!! I've looked everywhere and can't find it. Frowntown. Oh well it's burned on my brain (hi steph).