I LOVED College

I mentioned that a few hundred times last night while hanging out with some of my oldest, dearest, college friends and Jason (whom I guess is the college friend that is, in fact, my dearest and oldest). We had such a ball. Is there anything better than getting a group of old friends together and remembering memories? I love how everyone has one that everyone else has forgotten and we all get to have that "OH MY GOD I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT THAT!". It make me laugh hard and get happy. I love it. LOVE it.





I had some blood work and a surprise pelvic ultrasound today. I wasn't aware I needed one but in the doctors came while I reclined on the table fully dressed. I thought the ultra sound was on my belly but not so much. I realized what was about to happen when the nurse said...."oh um....you need to take off your pants." Oh. THAT kind of ultra sound. She could have at least bought me dinner first. HOYYYYOOOVEN GLAVEN!!!!!!!!





Turns out my baby makin parts are looking okay so that's good.





This weekend is for relaxing, visiting, drinking lots of water and breathing. Then Monday is for cleaning. Tuesday is for trying not to OD on Xanax because of my nerves. hahahah





I'm actually feeling okay today. Had a great talk with my Dad today about logistics and what I wanted as far as visits and help and all that and he gave me some great advice. (the advice should've been "shorten your sentences")



Instead it was this:


"Crescent. Don't go into hostess mode on this. You need to do whatever it takes to be comfortable, healthy and happy. We will all take care of everything else."





Does the man know me or what? Crap DAMMIT I love my family.





I got to carry a tube of my blood all the way from the lab to the fertility office this morning. Wanna see a vile of my blood? You don't?





TOO BAD!!!!!!!





Blood in the elevator.....lovin it up while I hit the town......blood in the elevator.....ultra sounds make your pants fall dowwwwnnnnnnnn.....

Good Dream/Bad Dream

Feeling much better today I think. Surgery all scheduled for next Wednesday. Medical leave starts Monday. I'm REALLY looking foward to being off of work. Trying to deal with the emotions and appts and everything WHILE doing my job has been hard. It sounds so nice to think of just laying around for a few days and not having to worry about ANYTHING but getting better.

Okay two dreams. First one was horribly dark and scary. Two girls in the oceans at night....total Jaws type senario. I think they were even sexy girls probably. Anyway of course they were brutally attacked by a shark and then they were dead and under water but still talking and the one girl said "How did we die?" and the other said "I don't know but the teeth have arrived." It was just SO creepy and dark! I hated it.

BUT then I was rewarded for enduring that bad one with a new movie staring...........ready??? Jim Carey and John Candy! It was called Cop Tops and I gotta tell you it was hilarious. In one scene they had broken into a suspects house who also happened to be some kind of scientist that made poisons and stuff. Jim Carey was the goofier one and he grabbed what looked like a grap slushie from the fridge and started drinking it. They were tip-toeing through this tiny hall way when John Candy turned around and saw what Jim (I call him Jim now) was drinking and started yelling at him and hitting him quietly with his hat then goes "is it good?" and Jim goes "yeah you want some?" and Candy goes "yeah just pour a little in my mouth." hahahahahahah I mean you had to see it but it was so funny to me. It was great comic dream timing I have to say. What a team they made. Sigh. Anyway, that's all for today I think. I'm exhausted from cancer/surgery/treatment talk today and might take a little break for the day. It's my best friend's b-day and we are going out for a fancy dinner. I am going to have something really good and then come home and sleeeeep.

Love love love,
C

Hulking Out

Well it finally happened today. I got mad. REALLY mad. It's passed and I feel better but was surprised to feel that way.

We saw the fertility specialist today and she is fantastic. In Jason's words..."Wow. That doctor is the SHIT!" and he is right. She was funny, prepared, honest and had like 13,067 Doctor of the Year Awards on her wall which made us feel good. She also got us lined up with one of the best oncologists at Rush so we are finally totally set on all my doctors! That's a load off.

She told us good stuff....insurance will cover invitro, lots of options about ways to freeze embryos, donor eggs, donor uteruses (uteri?)....lots and lots of options. And it made me cry in the office and mad me feel so angry later that I have to make this decision. Another decision. Why can't I just have a baby like everyone else? Why do I have to wait until I'm 40 so all the chemo and hormone therapy is over? Why do I have to take MORE crap that will make me crazy and stressed and sad and F with my body? Because "you do what you gotta do to get well". I know I know.

Now, two things. One is I'm better now. Two, going to talk babies when you have raging PMS is not the wisest of my many un-wise moves. But Jason put it perfectly as we were trying to find our car in the lot again....."I felt like I was 5 years old there for a minute and that I was totally incapable of decisions this big."

So anyway, there it was. The "anger" that I've been trying so hard not to have. Whatever. It was shorted lived for today and will probably show back up again. I think what bugs me is that these emotional swings make me feel like a crazy person. Just last night I was talking about what a great opportunity this all is for change and growth and feeling all strong and ready.....blah blah blah. I still feel that way but also don't want to talk to anyone at work or lift my face off my chin rest made from my hand or stop eating. I just want to eat noodles. Jason if you are reading this can we have noodles tonight in some form?

I just want to be home with Jason. That was part of it too. I didn't want him to drive away when he dropped me off at work. It happened too fast. All this info about our future and about babies which we both want so badly it hurts but then I had to get to my job because this is my last week before my medical leave starts. I have to interview replacements and get caught up on all my expense reports and fax forms to HR and man.....I'm just not up for having cancer today. I want to just sit in the car with Jason and not even talk. Just open the windows and breathe a bunch of air.

Everything just feels hard today (that's what she said). But seriously folks, it does. It will ease up again soon I know. Up and down up and down. Perfectly normal everyone says. Feels anything but normal, BUT I trust that is true.

Funny story:
Jason will have to you know what in you know where this week at the fertility place while all I have to do is get a blood test. It's really not that funny.....maybe not funny at all but it's all I got today.

dreams and quotes and things I don't want to forget.

I had a horrible dream last night that Jason and I were spooned next to each other on a metal table in a dark store front at night. It was my surgery day and this doctor I didn't know came in and said "it turns out we are dealing with something MUCH bigger than we thought". Just the way she said made me wake up with chills and tears. I woke Jason up with my reaction and told him the dream and he simply said (in classic Jason high/silly/reassuring voice), "don't dream that Crescent." That was all I needed to hear for some reason. I fell right back to sleep and had great dreams the rest of the night.

Just wanted to remember that.

Still waiting for the surgery date but it will for sure be the week of the 9th. Although that is conflicting with a procedure my poor mom needs to have done too so I'm feeling a little anxious about making all that work. I would be totally understanding if she can't be here for this but it will break her heart. So we are working all that out. All of sudden I am thinking of all these things that need doing. Hotels for family. Forms for leave at work. Hiring a temp and then training them. Getting my work stuff all pulled together in general. Buying weird surgery bras. It's a lot.

Some of my favorite moments of this whole thing has been the emails from my family. Here are some of my favorite excerpts in and out of context.

Kendra in reply all to my family email I sent today: "And can I get a YYYAAAAHHHHOOOO for all of the good fortune coming our way! Next on the agenda, I win the lottery. And everyone will prosper. When this happens, I will be buying new robes and boob pillows for EVERYONE!!!!"

Mom: "No shit, Sherlock. Calvin and I just lay in the bed, saying nothing, just holding hands. I have never been so stressed except for your accident. Oh, and you just get your hair done, Little Missy, and I will see what I think about it. Love, love, love, Momma"

Jacy after hearing that my blood levels may have shown cancer spread: "I guess this is what they mean when they say the diagnosis and treatment journey is a roller coaster."

My dad has said many great things but mostly via phone. My favorite so far was when I called him yesterday to tell him there was no spread. I couldn't get it together but squeaked out "all clear daddy" and then lost it. He said "All clear? Are these tears of joy? Or is there a but coming?" with total ALMOST relief but a tinge of panic in his voice and I laughed and said "No butts coming dad." and he held the phone away to tell my mom and said "All clear! No butts!"

Favorite Jason moment is hard to pick. He has said some hilarious things. Some profound things. Some heartbreaking things. And, like a magic trick, has known exactly when to not say a single thing.

I guess the best was Monday when he was driving me home and I made the mistake of telling him about the guy in the waiting room that told me not to use my cell phone. He was THIS close to turning the car around and finding him and doing god only knows what he was so angry.

Then I told him about the old black guy and what he said about "we do what we gotta do to stay well" and of course started crying. I cry a lot lately for good reasons mostly it seems. And Jason put his hand on my knee and said "God dammit Crescent. You always do that. Restoring my faith in humanity....dammit."

OH and my dad just sent an email that FOR SURE has his best quote so far. It was in reply to a family email I had sent out about what all I need for surgery and Kendra's earlier quote. And me misspelling "circumstances". My dad LOVES my typos and misspellings. Always has. I once put a sign on my door as a pre-teen that said "Please konck before entering". That was his favorite. Anyway....here it is.

Dad: "C., done deal on stuff needs. K, ,lottery is a great idea. Wonder why more people don't have it? Here is a toast to good fortune and blessings and to weird circumstandes or circumfloppies."


I have lots of great ones from friends that I will post soon too.

Love,
Crescent

Here We Go!

Sorry for the blog delay but I've been too nervous about the tests to write. The great news is that they are all clear!!!! Bone scan - clear. CT scan - clear. chest x-ray (crayon hahahah) - clear! Genetic test - negative.





I am one blessed little to medium sized chica, I tells ya.





So lumpectomy (partial mastectomy) and lymph node removal in two weeks. Then radiation. Then chemo. Then hormones. Then I'm having a friggin baby world! You hear that universe!?????? I thought so.





I have felt the love and prayers and vibes and worry and wishes and I know they made all the difference.





Yesterday was hard and for blog sake I feel like I should recount it but I'm too happy. Let's just give it a bullet point and picture and call it a recap eah?

• Barium made me throw up


• met an old black man with cancer that broke my heart but also totally inspired me


• some dillhole told me to get off the phone while I was talking to my dad trying to update him on my EFFING BREAST CANCER TESTS! and then started crying which made me mad but I cry when angry for some reason.


• The food in the cafeteria was good actually.


• Jason and I were just wrecked at the end of the day. So much worry and no sleep and whatever just had us down and out.


• And this was the only picture I could muster the energy to take and speaks volumes about how I felt yesterday. Oh yes....I felt VEWWWYYYY SOWWY FOR CRES CRES yesterday. Gag. I snapped out of it though.

But that is all over with and I am ready ready ready for next steps and healing.

FUNNY STORY - Jason and I went to watch football, like we always do, at Gannons and I wanted to read some papers. Like REAL papers not on my iPhone. I'm like my Dad that way. We live for a good paper read. So I went on a hunt for as many as I could find and started at the Jewel. I asked if she had The Onion and she said "no we don't carry that anymore" and in my flustered disappointment I simply replied "Steaks". I meant thanks and s'okay I guess but I said the word steaks. STEAKS. Then I knocked over a Fanta display and got the hell out of there! (last part not true)

Careful.....

You want to hear my most irrational fear from all of this? That I'll be TOO positive and funny and then will end up dying like every "plucky, positive, fighter" in every GD movie and book. So I think I will try to think something REALLY mean at least once a day just to keep my edge. Like sometimes on the train I don't want people to move at ALL. Like they have every right to open up their purse or whatever but I just want them to be totally still and feel like pushing them really hard.

THERE! Now I won't die. Phew. That was easy.


SIDEBAR: We should also consider these are the same things they say about serial killers too so.....you know.....sleep light and all that.

"Real nice fella. Kept to himself. Always smiling."

Just a swingin'

Feeling MUCH more stable today. I'm sure that will change again but I'm going to enjoy it for now. I changed primary care doctors today. I see her next Friday to discuss anxiety and therapy and nutrition. I'm really looking forward to it. She is the doc to two of my best friends and they adore her. My current doctor hasn't had the time or inclination to even call me to say "Oh crap. Sucks about the cancer " after over ten years of being her patient. So that's done. I need to take care of myself on all fronts and this is a good step in that direction.



God Calaban. Try and relax for once why don't you.