Robert Seeger and Jeffrey Chambertain.......ARE....

FELINE EMERGENCY ANXIETY STOPPERS!

For some unknown reason I woke up today and instantly had a giant panic attack. I haven't had one in ages AND am not really feeling anxious about anything! I mean I always have a low level of panic about things like money, health, if we have enough noodles in the house..but this was outlandish. I felt like I was going to spin off my axis into the abyss and could NOT get myself talked down. I was so frustrated because I feel like panic like that is, obviously, all in head therefore easily stopped by using my adult brain. It just doesn't work that way, unfortunately. I never really bought into the whole anxiety overtaking your body and turning you, however briefly, into a sweaty, rapid breathing doom machine until I had one. I pretty much lived in one the year my mom had cancer. All my trust in the universe was out the window along with my ability to get through even an hour without becoming convinced to my core that every single person I loved was going to die that very day. Or I was going to. Or we all were going to. It was super fun.

I started taking Xanax twice a day but it just sort of turned me into a muted version of myself and didn't really relieve anything. It felt like it just chloroformed ragged the anxiety's face when they least expected it but it was fine when it woke up. Like Goldie Hawn in Foul Play. I feel like she gets the chloroformed like five times in that movie and she always wakes up perky and ready to karate chop.

Anyway, eventually it got so bad that I had to cry for the entirety of my Dad's 70th birthday party which really added a nice touch to the festivities my family had worked so hard on. After a very intense and needed talk with my sister (who is a therapist but also just a wonderful person and listener) I decided to stop taking Xanax and see a psychiatrist. She helped me find ways and times to meditate and changed my life.

However, those didn't work this morning. You know what did work?

these two dungles.


Usually in the morning they are insane. Yes yes...I know you are saying "well that's just how kittens are....I get it." No. You don't. They aren't normal insane they are like how a really bad actor plays insane in a really bad movie. Darty eyes....prone to violence against each other and toys...manic eating binges followed by tag team pooping and litter kicking. Point being, cuddling with me is very low on their To Do list at that time of day. Sun comes up they go batshit.

But today I came out and tried to calm down on the sofa by watching the sunrise and they both stared at me like they KNEW something was wrong and got up on my lap. After both of them marched on my stomach for about five minutes they BOTH curled up on my lap/chest and reached their paws out on my arm in a very human "there there" way. Then they fell asleep purring like crazy. And that did it. I felt the worry wash out of my blood stream and we all were able to sleep like that for an hour, all of us holding paws. It was a really sweet and bonding moment with them.

I know they are just cats and probably just wanted to take a nap because they played too much stuffed mouse throw in the night but whatever. It worked.

I still have that foggy drained feeling that you get after one of those sessions but thank God and feline it's over.

Orange Soda

If you would've told me in college that the most fun person in the WORLD to watch a scary movie with would be Jason Prah I would've slapped you in the lying face. But he is. He gets all....what's the word...bouncy? Hyper? I don't know but he does stuff like turns off all the lights and sort of squeals in my direction a lot to get me to be nervous.

Last night it was Paranormal Activity 4. I'm a huge fan of that franchise. They are silly but scare me and have no blood involved.

I get up to go make him some orange soda, which he was demanding in a horrible child's voice..."I WANT ORANGE SODA!!!" That alone was killing me. Then as I was finishing he got totally silent. I always know that means he's planning some big scare. For instance, during another horror movie night I went to the bathroom and when I came out he had actually LEFT the house. He was giggling hysterically outside the front door when I finally found him. So last night when I came out of the kitchen he wasn't on the sofa. I started nervously giggling then saw him sitting at the dining room table in the dark with his hoodie hood up over his face. It was a good one for sure but I was only scared for like .2 seconds because he started laughing right away.

Then during another soda/pee break HE got up to get some more soda and said "I hope nothing happens to you while I get more orrrrrrannnnge soda, dude!"

Silence then a loud PSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTT and dripping sound as he opened the orange soda bottle too fast and it shot all over the floor and fridge. More silence then "WHOA!" He walked back into the living room then turned right back around "I need to eat more hot peppers".

I don't even know why I'm telling you all this but I just am. It was so comically wonderful and fun. He's the best. I guess that's all. And maybe just try and watch a scary movie with him sometime because it's like the most fun you may ever have.

Counting down.

76 days until springtime warms our freezing faces.

Christmas Lists

I am crying laughing at how great my family is right now. Every year the funniest part of the holiday for me is reading everyone's gift idea lists. Such an adorable glimpse into the minds and hearts of my loved ones.

To be fair we will start with some highlights from mine:

Sweaters (I threw out most of my clothes in this move) large. I don’t care what they look like
Mittens! Black and cozy.
A scratching post for the boys
A metal real tea pot. Like the kind that boils water and whistles and all that. You know, for tea.
A curling iron or rollers. Big size. Probably rollers because I'm lazy.
Good shampoo and conditioner (don't tell anyone but my scalp itches)
Slippers
Jammies (not too hot...i mean as in temp not sexiness)

My sister Kendra lives alone and has very simple, yet specific wants:
a pretty wine glass
keurig coffee or cider or other hot drinks...I have the machine but need fun drink choices
a winter themed wreath for outside but not Christmas related

My oldest sister, Jacy, might be the funniest one in our family but she is so subtle with her jokes that she is terribly underrated.

• Haunted Wisconsin-paperback.
• A colorful big umbrella,
• yankee car scent hanging thing,
• nail polish-light color.
• Any kind of cool book bag for my work stuff and lunch etc...
• Any earrings silver or gold color.
• Anything x-mas-love ornaments, knick knacks, paddy wacks, bones.


My mom does both her list and my dad's. Here is her's which is just about as adorable as it gets.

CT, I need a new calendar-something literary or really neat-you know. I always love writing pens, fine point black. I would love some soft socks for night time , fingernail polish (not pink) literary t-shirt, x-large, some neat small tea-light holders. little sentimental things I could hang in my study window, white, black , brown, creme tip towels for our bathrooms, a x7 mag. make-up mirror on a plain stand, no lights, no frills, just good magnification and will move whatever way you need. Oh, the tip towels could be combinations of red, white and black for my bathroom and combo of brown and creme or light blue for Calvin's. I love British stuff and a new hair brush. Plus, I would like a new recliner for Calvin, the house painted upstairs and down, a new light over my kitchen sink. I would also like a new refrigerator, washer and dryer, landscaping in the front yard, house cleaner, record player.....gasp. I can't go on. Love, Momma

I had no idea my mom wanted a record player. I plan to get her a British hairbrush.

Here is HER list for my dad:

He loves shower gel, that shaving creme you got him, work gloves, p.j.'s large or ex. depending on the brand. Use your judgement. Handkerchiefs, socks- hot dogs or single color but not athletic. I hope that helps.

It helps a great deal mom, thanks. It should be noted that the term "hot dogs" means fancy in my family. People can be hot dogs, socks, houses...anything fancy. Even hot dogs could technically be hot dogs if they had caviar on them maybe.

Sweet little Jason just wants a new record needle. God bless us, everyone.

Dream Tan

I had a dream last night that I was in a contest to try and apply fake tanner lotion as evenly and quickly as possible. I would put it on and it instantly would streak and look orange or a horrible pea green. I kept yelling "it's too late to go back! Help!" but everyone was just laughing and agreeing that I really never got over the 80's.

Rude, everyone. Rude.

You Meta, You Meta, You Bet!

I am working on a big project with a favorite person (Hi E!) and one of my assignments was to read my entire blog, top to bottom, and pull some favorite posts. I did it. Lord have mercy. Talk about a weird little trot down the lane of memories.

So many pictures. So many moments. So many ups and downs. So many times I said I was going to lose weight and go to grad school. Seven years!

It made me realize I want to start using it again as a daily update with pics. I miss doing that and future me will miss being able to look back on them from my under water space lair.

Also, life is wonderful right now. I know it won't always be. (If you don't believe that just read the Six Flags ride that is this blog) But I've slowly started to be able to just enjoy and not worry quite so much. I'm thankful to my crazy life for that. It's nice. A relief.

Enough about THAT! Let's have fun again!


Here is Jason reminding us all that he may be sassy but he's an independent go-getter who don't need no man to define him! Tyler Perry's I Look GOOD Bein' This Strong! Starring Jason Prah.

Jeffrey Chambertain is a special guy. Very very......special.

Mr. Robert Seeger is always runnin against the wind. Against the wind.

our music

I've been thinking a lot about our inner music. How music makes us feel so deeply. There are songs I've heard and songs I haven't heard yet that make me feel like I'll never be the same again. In the best way. Stirring is the best word for it. They stir my cells up. Redistributing the love and fear and memories and wild guesses about my life.

I found this this link yesterday and have listened to it about 35 times since. It made me feel like weeping. Again, in the best way possible.

Anyway, listen to it.

It's all of us.

I think that's what gets me about it. The unity of man, animals, nature creating our vibrations/melody of our home.

http://idealab.talkingpointsmemo.com/2012/10/earth-sound.php

I sent it to my dad because we are very alike about our feelings on the grandness of it all. The big and the giant. The so tiny that they are almost invisible. It's all of us and it makes me feel love and loved. Forever, never alone.

This was his reply and I'll save it forever.


"Love your music and earths. Maybe all of creation, all creatures and plants and more sing their song but we just don't have the ears to listen. Maybe we could hear if we listened differently. Maybe it would be so overwhelming if we could hear all that symphony of life we would just sit and starve as the concert went on and on. Maybe we could bring chips and drinks. So much uncertain. Love, Dad"