Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Meditations on Reinvention

This is an opportunity for reinvention. I keep picturing being bald and trying to see it like being a baby or an alien. A new birth as opposed to a sick person. I try and visualize the meds being a power cleanse of my everything. I want to come out of this squeaky clean inside and go head first towards, what I think is my calling, helping people in these very same situations. I want to see my health as a power and treasure and feed it as such. I want to find a love of physical motion. I want to explore my spiritual side and use it as part of the healing process. I want to find a way to thank everyone I know. I want to rearrange the way I view family for me and Jason and welcome that new vision with open arms and heart. But mostly I want to be well and find strength in the fact that I will have, literally, faced my greatest fear. Cancer. Cancer in others and in myself. Then find a way to ease the fear for someone else. Because the fear is the worst part. The unknown. I am going to know it and drain it of every possible lesson and wealth it has to offer and leave the rest behind me in a blaze.

PS - I plan to use my new Flip to document a lot of this process. Might be a huge mistake. I don't care. I want to so I'm gonna. I would give anything to to have that to watch now to ease my fear but I don't so I'll just create it. For myself, for someone else, for no one. I just want it on file.

Monday, December 28, 2009


I got a Flip for Christmas! AND a fire pit. AND lots of Packer stuff. AND a Christmas Story Leg Lamp Major Award! and lots more. Here is my first foray into film making. God help us all.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009


Title of entry is from my favorite Christmas movie of all time.

Feeling good today. VERY excited to see my family and my other family (in-laws). I'm going to eat lots of ham and play dominoes and watch movies and open presents and drink in every single ounce of love I can.

The past few months have been harder than any I've known but also the most profound. Jason and I were saying the other night that we feel like we've aged about 10 years through this process but I like to think that we've grown, not aged.

The past couple weeks have been rough and there have been a lot of tears shed but also some major belly laughs and fantastic awakenings. So many people are enduring such worse times and hardships. We have so so much and a great outlook on the other side of this mess. So there, universe. Take that.

Jason said something about "an Easter row" in his sleep last night. Then he laughed at himself, also in his sleep. Very funny.....also creepy, but I'll keep him.

Merry Christmas!!!!

Friday, December 18, 2009

No frozen Prah's after all.

Sadly after talking the fertility doctor today we all decided that freezing some embryos pre chemo is just too risky. The problem is that since my cancer is hormone receptor positive it basically eats estrogen. So to put off chemo for a month to pump me full of estrogen and other hormones to do an egg harvest puts me at risk for the cancer to attach to my organs or brain. It's not a HUGE chance but it's a chance and it happens. She (our fertility doctor) lost a patient a few years ago who was 25 and took the risk.

A part of me wants to say F it. Let's do it and hope for the best. But another very important part of me, Jason, says no. And I agree really. He said that if we did this and something happened to me he could never live with himself. So that's that.

Now all we can really do is just hope against hope that somehow my ovaries make it through these treatments. If they don't there are always donor eggs or even donor embryos or adoption.

I think we are both just really worn down today. Everything feels so hard and nebulous. I mean there is sooooo many good things...no cancer in my nodes, none in the other breast, etc. but today I still just feel like we are due a lottery win or something.

As we were riding back today we were both pretty weepy and quiet. We passed this horrible, divey chicken restaurant and convenience store and out of the blue Jason says, "You want some fried chicken and a pack of Newports?" and I instantly replied "Kind of!". You kind of had to be there but we laughed our asses off.

My friend Eva and I were instant messaging and I was crying at my desk, which i HATE to do, and she sent me this and said "watch this right now!"

She was totally right. It was hard not to feel a little more bad ass after watching. hahahahaha

Thursday, December 17, 2009


I'm trying to listen to music more because I have a hard time with it for some reason. I think I'm just a little too raw for it or something somedays. Anyway, it's funny because I started listening to one of my really good friends from college and still a really good friend here in the city. His music just all of a sudden was the music for this time. Very strange how that happens. With The Places just feels like the perfect expression of how my insides feel right now. It makes me a little eye leaky but in a good way. I just sent him an email letting him know but figured everyone should have a listen because he's wonderful.


I'll update everyone after our fertility appt. tomorrow.

love and kisses,

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Chemo? I hardly know her!!!!!

Well finally got word and before my radiation and hormone therapy there will be chemo....(not to be confused with the super boring movie about drinking milkshakes and what not).

I was pretty shaken up yesterday but am coming to terms with it. I keep thinking of those who welcome chemo because it is their only small chance at extending their lives or getting a tiny bit better. I am having it to help lower my odds of EVER having to deal with this b.s. again as I get older. I mean I'm not looking forward to it (understatement of the CENTURY) but I know it's the right thing to do.

I've decided to participate in a clinical study for my treatments so that feels good. Hopefully it will bring more healing to breast cancer patients in the decades to come. Plus....SCIENCE!!!! You know how I love the science.

I am scared of being sick. I am scared of losing my hair. I am terrified and a little angry that I won't be able to have children in the normal "hey I got preggers!" way. I am scared of missing work too much. So that's what.....4 things? I can handle that. I'm WAY more scared of being 45 and having someone say "it's back...and worse".

We meet with the fertility doc on Friday to find out how to get this whole zygote freezing thing done asap. Like in the next couple of weeks, asap. Let's hope that all goes well.

I'm tired and lazy and want to sleep a lot but that's normal I think. I'm trying to just power through that and get to the "let's kick it in the butt" phase, which I think is right around the corner.

I have this imagery I've been using when I really feel down. I think of all the love that I have around me....family, friends...new and old and I picture that love kind of creating a bubble around me and just lifting me through all this. It really really helps because it's almost totally real. That's how everyone has been. There for me without question. So many people. So much love for my bubble ride.

Something funny: Jason. He is just so funny. There are at least 5 things just in the past few days I could post as hilarious Jason moments but my two most recent faves are his "tiny burp" while we were playing cards last night. I don't know why but it didn't sound like his normal burps and was so small and gross. We couldn't stop laughing. It felt like when I sat at the funny boys table at lunch in junior high. Where I just couldn't stop laughing. That and on the ride back from the bad news dr. appt yesterday I was dead silent and really stunned and out of nowhere he went "BLAH!" and grabbed my knee like you do when you are trying to scare the hiccups out of someone. It was so random and such a funny way for him to get to me. I don't know...it was just sweet for some reason. Like he was saying "HEY! BOO! This will be okay! I'm still right here annoying you and always will be!".

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Job? What's a job? Ohhhhhhhh a JOB!

Work! It's going well. I woke up really sore and tired today but had it shaken off by 10 a.m. I got a ton done and am feeling in the groove. Having a day to day again is very helpful to my head and heart. I feel part of the office family finally and got over three hugs yesterday and am expecting one more today. oh man I just got one after typing that! I love work hugs. I don't know why but I do. They are good practice for me. I'm working on being a better hugger, if you didn't know.

Life! I have my next appt next Tuesday so I'm just trying to relax until then. I plan to stay home pretty much every night this week so that I'm well rested. Plus I'm doing some detoxing too to be at my best.

Cats! I think Calaban is mad at me for going back to work. He hardly sat with me at all last night. He would come over to me and I would make this awesome, comfy looking spot on my lap with his favorite blanket (the weom, for those in the know) and he would stare at me then meow then waltz RIGHT over to Jason and sit on his lap even though Jason wasn't even lying down and didn't have a blanket or anything. We will work it out but I might have to take him (Calaban) out for coffee to really address the situation.

Hormones! I thought the hormone thing had passed but last night I smashed one of my favorite water glasses on the floor by accident while trying to make dinner and then Jason very nicely said that I should try putting the red wine in the meat and not the sauce at first and I started crying. I hate cooking. HATE IT! But it all turned out just fine. Jason made me laugh and the sauce was really good and the glass got swept up. I think I was just tired. I felt like a four year old.

Friday, December 04, 2009

the waiting game

So my test results from the "onc test" are postponed until the 15th. So still no word on how my follow up treatments will go. BUT feeling great. One thing that I have to get used to is that PMS will just be a total nightmare until this is all over. It was already not my finest hour but with all this cancer jazz it's like some sort of After School Special for about 3 days a month. This month I found myself in the shower sobbing for about 20 minutes because my surgeon doesn't need to see me now for three months. Should be great right? (Dr. Growney, for anyone that, God forbid, needs breast surgery...GO TO HER).

It's just that she is the one that told me the news. That stopped talking when I started bawling in her office and offered me tissues and said "I'm your age. I don't know how you've held it together this long.". The one that held my hand and said "I wish I could tell you what I'd do if I were you but I just don't know." The one that showed up in pre-op and didn't ask why I was crying.....just said "I know...it's a scary day but we will take care of you". And she did. She did such a good job on my breasts. The amount of tissue they took out was....well.....a ton....and she took the time to make sure I still had symmetry and balance. She is the one that made sure I had better pain meds and kept me out of work an extra week because she wanted me to be at my best. I just love her. I really do. I mean it. I LOVE her. How funny is that. Basically she is stranger but I will never forget her and will always be so thankful that the original surgeon was called out the day of our first meeting. She was the one that was supposed to be there for me and she was. I'm toying with sending her a fruit basket or something. Maybe just a card is better. Who knows. All I know is that I miss her already.

THEN I got sad that I have all these cuts on my torso. I've been fine with it but PMS got me and said "Hey....Cres.....So now not only do you have a foot long scar from your car accident down your middle but you also have a 4 inch scar on your left breat and a 2 inch scare on your arm pit".

THEN PMS told me that I better brace myself because this journey is LONG from over. It said "so your surgery is done. big deal. You still have that weird thyroid problem they found that has NOTHING to do with your surgery that will require MORE surgery. You still have radiation.....and maybe chemo.....and five years of hormone therapy and fertility treatments.......long road my friend....long road."

Stupid PMS voice. She has a bad attitude and a terrible personality.

BUT it's passed. I feel myself again and don't feel upset that I had a day or two of "poor me". Whatever. That's normal and healthy and purges some of the emotional toxins I imagine.

Bottom line: My arm is so much better. Back to work Monday. Love Jason. Love my family and friends. Life is good.

Something funny.....OH! this is a good one. My very dear friend, Deanna, that I've known since 4th grade sent me a care package a few weeks ago. I cut the box open and instantly knew what it was by smell. When we were kids we used to play record store at her house in the basement. The store was called "Rapid Records" and we had boyfriends and drama and all sorts of fun stuff. Anyway, these sessions were usually during sleepovers and our fuel of choice was Bugles and watermelon bubble gum. And Skor candy bars but she just sent the gum and a giant bag of Bugles. Of course I bawled when I saw what she had sent and read the card that said "I can't think of any problem that Bugles and watermelon bubble gum can't solve." Amen sister.

Anyway, that night I broke open the Bugles bag during a game night with friends. Jason sat in our black chair munching away and said "Man. Bugles. Remember these? Huh. I wonder if they still make them?"

Answer: Yes Jason they do. And you are eating them currently. We laughed muchly.