.....There is a crack, a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."
This week has been stressful, a bummer, challenging, awakening, enlightening, joyful and most of all a reminder of the profound and complex beauty of the soul. So many people I know are hurting or lost or sick or scared or stressed right now. People I love dearly and who love me back. I was starting to really feel kind of empty, honestly. I hated it and kept trying to remember how to have faith. How to find the joy in the tiny moments of a perfectly cooked noodle, a cat snuggling my face or singing Whitney Houston songs at the top of my lungs. It helped but didn't heal. I've been trying so hard to not feel sad about the world and to see the good but I just was starting to go blind to anything positive.
Don't misunderstand....my life is wonderful. My health is decent. My family is loving and smart and supportive. Jason is my best friend and amazing husband all in one. My friends are warm and kind and funny. My job is great. I am good. LIFE is good. But the world....it felt very painfully NOT good.
Then I got the news this morning that there is no more "gay marriage" there is simply and perfectly now only marriage. My friends are now legally allowed to have the same kind of life long companionship that I have. That my parents have. That their parents had. All of a sudden I started filling up again. I was literally vibrating inside with just pure happiness and pride. I read all of my friends , gay and straight, celebrating this historic moment online. I ran into a co-worker, Molly, in the bathroom while I was trying to de-splotch my face from crying and she said "I know. I feel so emotional too! My aunts are married and now.....I'm just so happy". My Aunts. It just added to my joy.
Here they are! They got married last summer and have been together more than twenty years! What a beautiful family they make!
Then a little later I watched our President eloquently eulogize a good man who didn't deserve to die. Who died because of the color of his skin. Let's not mince words. That's what happened. Then he started to sing Amazing Grace. And I remembered. I remembered what faith in this gorgeous universe felt like again. I remembered what my true beliefs are. The darkest times are filled with light and grace and humor and connection. I have to say I just feel so much better. I feel safer. I feel warmer. I feel like myself again.
It would be beyond naive of me to think that the world is just now nothing but good. It's still pretty horrifying. I mean...some dismal tragic shit happened today as well. It's also still very very beautiful and filled with bright souls that just want to love and be loved. I'm holding onto that today. Like turbo vice grip style. (also the working title of the sequel to the buddy cop film based on a dream I had by Extant's writer Mickey Fisher, Top Cops OH how rude of me...let me pick up that name I just dropped.)
So today let's love it up. Ignore the vitriol by the other side. They are just afraid and that's ok too. The world warrants a ton of fear. I'm terrified at LEAST half the time. I get that. For crying out loud I'm just trying to add spinach to smoothies and sit up straighter and I feel like I'm dancing with the devil. Change is hard and you don't know how it ends. Be kind to those that disagree. The last thing we need is more hate. I'm working on it too. Today made me want to try and be a better friend, wife, sister, daughter, niece and aunt. Less judgement. More deep breaths before speaking something negative to make SURE I really need to say it. Less worry and more trust. More spinach and less noodles. Just kidding. ALWAYS more noodles.
That's it. I love you all. Being alive is the coolest. Keep your faith, whatever that means to you. Stay up later than you should and talk to each other (hi J...love you) More importantly listen. Comfort. Challenge. It will be ok. It really will! I believe that again with all my heart. What a relief!
Now turn this up to 11 and dance like Whitney would've WANTED, GURL! Today is great.
Monday, June 08, 2015
I'm off today and watching a storm roll in. It's so crazy to me how it changes. The wind whips up, the sky turns an impossible grey and boom! Weatha's comin'. (Said in a bad east coast accent ala a Kennedy).
I have always been terrified of storms. I also have always loved them. That feeling you get in your belly pit that says "hunker down!". I like how everything stops and snuggles up. Windows need to be closed. Pets comforted. A radio turned on for alerts.
I could probably start a whole new blog just based on all my favorite storm stories. Although they are never really about the storms. They are about who you are hunkered down with.