Tuesday, December 29, 2009
PS - I plan to use my new Flip to document a lot of this process. Might be a huge mistake. I don't care. I want to so I'm gonna. I would give anything to to have that to watch now to ease my fear but I don't so I'll just create it. For myself, for someone else, for no one. I just want it on file.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Feeling good today. VERY excited to see my family and my other family (in-laws). I'm going to eat lots of ham and play dominoes and watch movies and open presents and drink in every single ounce of love I can.
The past few months have been harder than any I've known but also the most profound. Jason and I were saying the other night that we feel like we've aged about 10 years through this process but I like to think that we've grown, not aged.
The past couple weeks have been rough and there have been a lot of tears shed but also some major belly laughs and fantastic awakenings. So many people are enduring such worse times and hardships. We have so so much and a great outlook on the other side of this mess. So there, universe. Take that.
Jason said something about "an Easter row" in his sleep last night. Then he laughed at himself, also in his sleep. Very funny.....also creepy, but I'll keep him.
Friday, December 18, 2009
A part of me wants to say F it. Let's do it and hope for the best. But another very important part of me, Jason, says no. And I agree really. He said that if we did this and something happened to me he could never live with himself. So that's that.
Now all we can really do is just hope against hope that somehow my ovaries make it through these treatments. If they don't there are always donor eggs or even donor embryos or adoption.
I think we are both just really worn down today. Everything feels so hard and nebulous. I mean there is sooooo many good things...no cancer in my nodes, none in the other breast, etc. but today I still just feel like we are due a lottery win or something.
As we were riding back today we were both pretty weepy and quiet. We passed this horrible, divey chicken restaurant and convenience store and out of the blue Jason says, "You want some fried chicken and a pack of Newports?" and I instantly replied "Kind of!". You kind of had to be there but we laughed our asses off.
My friend Eva and I were instant messaging and I was crying at my desk, which i HATE to do, and she sent me this and said "watch this right now!"
She was totally right. It was hard not to feel a little more bad ass after watching. hahahahaha
Thursday, December 17, 2009
I'll update everyone after our fertility appt. tomorrow.
love and kisses,
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
I was pretty shaken up yesterday but am coming to terms with it. I keep thinking of those who welcome chemo because it is their only small chance at extending their lives or getting a tiny bit better. I am having it to help lower my odds of EVER having to deal with this b.s. again as I get older. I mean I'm not looking forward to it (understatement of the CENTURY) but I know it's the right thing to do.
I've decided to participate in a clinical study for my treatments so that feels good. Hopefully it will bring more healing to breast cancer patients in the decades to come. Plus....SCIENCE!!!! You know how I love the science.
I am scared of being sick. I am scared of losing my hair. I am terrified and a little angry that I won't be able to have children in the normal "hey I got preggers!" way. I am scared of missing work too much. So that's what.....4 things? I can handle that. I'm WAY more scared of being 45 and having someone say "it's back...and worse".
We meet with the fertility doc on Friday to find out how to get this whole zygote freezing thing done asap. Like in the next couple of weeks, asap. Let's hope that all goes well.
I'm tired and lazy and want to sleep a lot but that's normal I think. I'm trying to just power through that and get to the "let's kick it in the butt" phase, which I think is right around the corner.
I have this imagery I've been using when I really feel down. I think of all the love that I have around me....family, friends...new and old and I picture that love kind of creating a bubble around me and just lifting me through all this. It really really helps because it's almost totally real. That's how everyone has been. There for me without question. So many people. So much love for my bubble ride.
Something funny: Jason. He is just so funny. There are at least 5 things just in the past few days I could post as hilarious Jason moments but my two most recent faves are his "tiny burp" while we were playing cards last night. I don't know why but it didn't sound like his normal burps and was so small and gross. We couldn't stop laughing. It felt like when I sat at the funny boys table at lunch in junior high. Where I just couldn't stop laughing. That and on the ride back from the bad news dr. appt yesterday I was dead silent and really stunned and out of nowhere he went "BLAH!" and grabbed my knee like you do when you are trying to scare the hiccups out of someone. It was so random and such a funny way for him to get to me. I don't know...it was just sweet for some reason. Like he was saying "HEY! BOO! This will be okay! I'm still right here annoying you and always will be!".
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
Life! I have my next appt next Tuesday so I'm just trying to relax until then. I plan to stay home pretty much every night this week so that I'm well rested. Plus I'm doing some detoxing too to be at my best.
Cats! I think Calaban is mad at me for going back to work. He hardly sat with me at all last night. He would come over to me and I would make this awesome, comfy looking spot on my lap with his favorite blanket (the weom, for those in the know) and he would stare at me then meow then waltz RIGHT over to Jason and sit on his lap even though Jason wasn't even lying down and didn't have a blanket or anything. We will work it out but I might have to take him (Calaban) out for coffee to really address the situation.
Hormones! I thought the hormone thing had passed but last night I smashed one of my favorite water glasses on the floor by accident while trying to make dinner and then Jason very nicely said that I should try putting the red wine in the meat and not the sauce at first and I started crying. I hate cooking. HATE IT! But it all turned out just fine. Jason made me laugh and the sauce was really good and the glass got swept up. I think I was just tired. I felt like a four year old.
Friday, December 04, 2009
It's just that she is the one that told me the news. That stopped talking when I started bawling in her office and offered me tissues and said "I'm your age. I don't know how you've held it together this long.". The one that held my hand and said "I wish I could tell you what I'd do if I were you but I just don't know." The one that showed up in pre-op and didn't ask why I was crying.....just said "I know...it's a scary day but we will take care of you". And she did. She did such a good job on my breasts. The amount of tissue they took out was....well.....a ton....and she took the time to make sure I still had symmetry and balance. She is the one that made sure I had better pain meds and kept me out of work an extra week because she wanted me to be at my best. I just love her. I really do. I mean it. I LOVE her. How funny is that. Basically she is stranger but I will never forget her and will always be so thankful that the original surgeon was called out the day of our first meeting. She was the one that was supposed to be there for me and she was. I'm toying with sending her a fruit basket or something. Maybe just a card is better. Who knows. All I know is that I miss her already.
THEN I got sad that I have all these cuts on my torso. I've been fine with it but PMS got me and said "Hey....Cres.....So now not only do you have a foot long scar from your car accident down your middle but you also have a 4 inch scar on your left breat and a 2 inch scare on your arm pit".
THEN PMS told me that I better brace myself because this journey is LONG from over. It said "so your surgery is done. big deal. You still have that weird thyroid problem they found that has NOTHING to do with your surgery that will require MORE surgery. You still have radiation.....and maybe chemo.....and five years of hormone therapy and fertility treatments.......long road my friend....long road."
Stupid PMS voice. She has a bad attitude and a terrible personality.
BUT it's passed. I feel myself again and don't feel upset that I had a day or two of "poor me". Whatever. That's normal and healthy and purges some of the emotional toxins I imagine.
Bottom line: My arm is so much better. Back to work Monday. Love Jason. Love my family and friends. Life is good.
Something funny.....OH! this is a good one. My very dear friend, Deanna, that I've known since 4th grade sent me a care package a few weeks ago. I cut the box open and instantly knew what it was by smell. When we were kids we used to play record store at her house in the basement. The store was called "Rapid Records" and we had boyfriends and drama and all sorts of fun stuff. Anyway, these sessions were usually during sleepovers and our fuel of choice was Bugles and watermelon bubble gum. And Skor candy bars but she just sent the gum and a giant bag of Bugles. Of course I bawled when I saw what she had sent and read the card that said "I can't think of any problem that Bugles and watermelon bubble gum can't solve." Amen sister.
Anyway, that night I broke open the Bugles bag during a game night with friends. Jason sat in our black chair munching away and said "Man. Bugles. Remember these? Huh. I wonder if they still make them?"
Answer: Yes Jason they do. And you are eating them currently. We laughed muchly.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Things have been great. Healing every day and feeling more like myself. Tuesday we find out about chemo and I'm not really dreading it. I feel like I was prepped for it to be a "for sure" and so if I end up having to have it, so be it. If NOT then triple high fives to God!
Jason and I had a wonderful Thanksgiving and had more to be thankful for than ever.
What else....oh I SHOULD be back at work next Wednesday if my surgeon says I can go. I'm really ready to get into a new routine of work, exercise and eating differently. I just was telling Jason that the worst thing I can do with all of this is go "back to normal". I don't want that. I want to use this second chance (my SECOND second chance in my life by the by) and run with it. Thank it. Embrace the opportunity to be my best self.
I was telling my mom that I still am feeling like therapy is a good idea even though things are going well because I have some odd feelings that are hard to talk about with friends and family. One is a strange sense of guilt that things like this always seem to happen to me and put stress on my loved ones. Car accident in high school where I almost died, kidney infection that almost killed me and now this. I realize that is outlandish but you really can't control your feelings.
The other odd feeling is a sense of being happy this has happened. That's the weirdest. Of course I don't feel like it's been good but I just see this as a necessary part of my journey that will make me who I'm supposed to be.
I am having some bad surgery dreams and some stressy "everyone is trying to murder me but giving me a day ahead of said murder to be terrified" dreams. My oldest sister, Jacy, who is a social worker says that she thinks that's normal and that she sees a little post surgery trauma in my day to day. She works with veterans so she's seen REAL PTSD but she said that just having someone cutting on me has me a little shaky and I agree. But I am working through it. I think a lot of that was because of all the pain I was having. Now that it's getting better I feel a little less freaked out.
The GREATEST feeling I have is the one where all my bs insecurities of my 20's and 30's have just fallen away. I feel pretty and smart and proud and blessed. All those years of trying to find myself (barf) just seem silly now. I've been here all along.
So that is where my head is at for the most part. And I like it. Even the fear and stress. It's been good for me and has brought me so much love and strength.
Like my middle sister, Kendra, said when all this started "I feel so angry because our family doesn't need a wake up call to remind us how much we love each other. We knew that already!" That's very true. But now I feel like it's even brighter and that just seems like a bonus.
Now something funny. On Thanksgiving my sister, Jacy, asked if she could see my scars and I showed her both my breast scar (which is totally no big thing...the surgeon did a great job) and then my lymph node removal scar. So she was looking at that one (right in my left arm pit kind of) and said "I think it looks okay but do you think maybe those steri strips are ready to come off sooo....." and before she could finish the word "soon" I ripped them off. We both looked at each other. Me with a little shock and pain and then the bees in my ears and then the shakes. She said "Jeeze Crescent! I thought we would have a discussion about it first!" it was hilarious.
Okay time for bed. Nighty night rabbits.
Friday, November 06, 2009
I had some blood work and a surprise pelvic ultrasound today. I wasn't aware I needed one but in the doctors came while I reclined on the table fully dressed. I thought the ultra sound was on my belly but not so much. I realized what was about to happen when the nurse said...."oh um....you need to take off your pants." Oh. THAT kind of ultra sound. She could have at least bought me dinner first. HOYYYYOOOVEN GLAVEN!!!!!!!!
Turns out my baby makin parts are looking okay so that's good.
This weekend is for relaxing, visiting, drinking lots of water and breathing. Then Monday is for cleaning. Tuesday is for trying not to OD on Xanax because of my nerves. hahahah
I'm actually feeling okay today. Had a great talk with my Dad today about logistics and what I wanted as far as visits and help and all that and he gave me some great advice. (the advice should've been "shorten your sentences")
Instead it was this:
"Crescent. Don't go into hostess mode on this. You need to do whatever it takes to be comfortable, healthy and happy. We will all take care of everything else."
Does the man know me or what? Crap DAMMIT I love my family.
I got to carry a tube of my blood all the way from the lab to the fertility office this morning. Wanna see a vile of my blood? You don't?
Blood in the elevator.....lovin it up while I hit the town......blood in the elevator.....ultra sounds make your pants fall dowwwwnnnnnnnn.....
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
Okay two dreams. First one was horribly dark and scary. Two girls in the oceans at night....total Jaws type senario. I think they were even sexy girls probably. Anyway of course they were brutally attacked by a shark and then they were dead and under water but still talking and the one girl said "How did we die?" and the other said "I don't know but the teeth have arrived." It was just SO creepy and dark! I hated it.
BUT then I was rewarded for enduring that bad one with a new movie staring...........ready??? Jim Carey and John Candy! It was called Cop Tops and I gotta tell you it was hilarious. In one scene they had broken into a suspects house who also happened to be some kind of scientist that made poisons and stuff. Jim Carey was the goofier one and he grabbed what looked like a grap slushie from the fridge and started drinking it. They were tip-toeing through this tiny hall way when John Candy turned around and saw what Jim (I call him Jim now) was drinking and started yelling at him and hitting him quietly with his hat then goes "is it good?" and Jim goes "yeah you want some?" and Candy goes "yeah just pour a little in my mouth." hahahahahahah I mean you had to see it but it was so funny to me. It was great comic dream timing I have to say. What a team they made. Sigh. Anyway, that's all for today I think. I'm exhausted from cancer/surgery/treatment talk today and might take a little break for the day. It's my best friend's b-day and we are going out for a fancy dinner. I am going to have something really good and then come home and sleeeeep.
Love love love,
Monday, November 02, 2009
We saw the fertility specialist today and she is fantastic. In Jason's words..."Wow. That doctor is the SHIT!" and he is right. She was funny, prepared, honest and had like 13,067 Doctor of the Year Awards on her wall which made us feel good. She also got us lined up with one of the best oncologists at Rush so we are finally totally set on all my doctors! That's a load off.
She told us good stuff....insurance will cover invitro, lots of options about ways to freeze embryos, donor eggs, donor uteruses (uteri?)....lots and lots of options. And it made me cry in the office and mad me feel so angry later that I have to make this decision. Another decision. Why can't I just have a baby like everyone else? Why do I have to wait until I'm 40 so all the chemo and hormone therapy is over? Why do I have to take MORE crap that will make me crazy and stressed and sad and F with my body? Because "you do what you gotta do to get well". I know I know.
Now, two things. One is I'm better now. Two, going to talk babies when you have raging PMS is not the wisest of my many un-wise moves. But Jason put it perfectly as we were trying to find our car in the lot again....."I felt like I was 5 years old there for a minute and that I was totally incapable of decisions this big."
So anyway, there it was. The "anger" that I've been trying so hard not to have. Whatever. It was shorted lived for today and will probably show back up again. I think what bugs me is that these emotional swings make me feel like a crazy person. Just last night I was talking about what a great opportunity this all is for change and growth and feeling all strong and ready.....blah blah blah. I still feel that way but also don't want to talk to anyone at work or lift my face off my chin rest made from my hand or stop eating. I just want to eat noodles. Jason if you are reading this can we have noodles tonight in some form?
I just want to be home with Jason. That was part of it too. I didn't want him to drive away when he dropped me off at work. It happened too fast. All this info about our future and about babies which we both want so badly it hurts but then I had to get to my job because this is my last week before my medical leave starts. I have to interview replacements and get caught up on all my expense reports and fax forms to HR and man.....I'm just not up for having cancer today. I want to just sit in the car with Jason and not even talk. Just open the windows and breathe a bunch of air.
Everything just feels hard today (that's what she said). But seriously folks, it does. It will ease up again soon I know. Up and down up and down. Perfectly normal everyone says. Feels anything but normal, BUT I trust that is true.
Jason will have to you know what in you know where this week at the fertility place while all I have to do is get a blood test. It's really not that funny.....maybe not funny at all but it's all I got today.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Just wanted to remember that.
Still waiting for the surgery date but it will for sure be the week of the 9th. Although that is conflicting with a procedure my poor mom needs to have done too so I'm feeling a little anxious about making all that work. I would be totally understanding if she can't be here for this but it will break her heart. So we are working all that out. All of sudden I am thinking of all these things that need doing. Hotels for family. Forms for leave at work. Hiring a temp and then training them. Getting my work stuff all pulled together in general. Buying weird surgery bras. It's a lot.
Some of my favorite moments of this whole thing has been the emails from my family. Here are some of my favorite excerpts in and out of context.
Kendra in reply all to my family email I sent today: "And can I get a YYYAAAAHHHHOOOO for all of the good fortune coming our way! Next on the agenda, I win the lottery. And everyone will prosper. When this happens, I will be buying new robes and boob pillows for EVERYONE!!!!"
Mom: "No shit, Sherlock. Calvin and I just lay in the bed, saying nothing, just holding hands. I have never been so stressed except for your accident. Oh, and you just get your hair done, Little Missy, and I will see what I think about it. Love, love, love, Momma"
Jacy after hearing that my blood levels may have shown cancer spread: "I guess this is what they mean when they say the diagnosis and treatment journey is a roller coaster."
My dad has said many great things but mostly via phone. My favorite so far was when I called him yesterday to tell him there was no spread. I couldn't get it together but squeaked out "all clear daddy" and then lost it. He said "All clear? Are these tears of joy? Or is there a but coming?" with total ALMOST relief but a tinge of panic in his voice and I laughed and said "No butts coming dad." and he held the phone away to tell my mom and said "All clear! No butts!"
Favorite Jason moment is hard to pick. He has said some hilarious things. Some profound things. Some heartbreaking things. And, like a magic trick, has known exactly when to not say a single thing.
I guess the best was Monday when he was driving me home and I made the mistake of telling him about the guy in the waiting room that told me not to use my cell phone. He was THIS close to turning the car around and finding him and doing god only knows what he was so angry.
Then I told him about the old black guy and what he said about "we do what we gotta do to stay well" and of course started crying. I cry a lot lately for good reasons mostly it seems. And Jason put his hand on my knee and said "God dammit Crescent. You always do that. Restoring my faith in humanity....dammit."
OH and my dad just sent an email that FOR SURE has his best quote so far. It was in reply to a family email I had sent out about what all I need for surgery and Kendra's earlier quote. And me misspelling "circumstances". My dad LOVES my typos and misspellings. Always has. I once put a sign on my door as a pre-teen that said "Please konck before entering". That was his favorite. Anyway....here it is.
Dad: "C., done deal on stuff needs. K, ,lottery is a great idea. Wonder why more people don't have it? Here is a toast to good fortune and blessings and to weird circumstandes or circumfloppies."
I have lots of great ones from friends that I will post soon too.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
I am one blessed little to medium sized chica, I tells ya.
So lumpectomy (partial mastectomy) and lymph node removal in two weeks. Then radiation. Then chemo. Then hormones. Then I'm having a friggin baby world! You hear that universe!?????? I thought so.
I have felt the love and prayers and vibes and worry and wishes and I know they made all the difference.
Yesterday was hard and for blog sake I feel like I should recount it but I'm too happy. Let's just give it a bullet point and picture and call it a recap eah?
- Barium made me throw up
- met an old black man with cancer that broke my heart but also totally inspired me
- some dillhole told me to get off the phone while I was talking to my dad trying to update him on my EFFING BREAST CANCER TESTS! and then started crying which made me mad but I cry when angry for some reason.
- The food in the cafeteria was good actually.
- Jason and I were just wrecked at the end of the day. So much worry and no sleep and whatever just had us down and out.
- And this was the only picture I could muster the energy to take and speaks volumes about how I felt yesterday. Oh yes....I felt VEWWWYYYY SOWWY FOR CRES CRES yesterday. Gag. I snapped out of it though.
But that is all over with and I am ready ready ready for next steps and healing.
FUNNY STORY - Jason and I went to watch football, like we always do, at Gannons and I wanted to read some papers. Like REAL papers not on my iPhone. I'm like my Dad that way. We live for a good paper read. So I went on a hunt for as many as I could find and started at the Jewel. I asked if she had The Onion and she said "no we don't carry that anymore" and in my flustered disappointment I simply replied "Steaks". I meant thanks and s'okay I guess but I said the word steaks. STEAKS. Then I knocked over a Fanta display and got the hell out of there! (last part not true)
Friday, October 23, 2009
THERE! Now I won't die. Phew. That was easy.
SIDEBAR: We should also consider these are the same things they say about serial killers too so.....you know.....sleep light and all that.
"Real nice fella. Kept to himself. Always smiling."
Thursday, October 22, 2009
God Calaban. Try and relax for once why don't you.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Ended day by dropping a giant chunk of apple down the very same cleave age.
Shit....maybe these breats are more trouble than they are worth!!!!
so basically when I stand up and shake out my bra it will be like a fall festival all over the floor. I hope a pumpkin and Freddy Kruger mask don't fall out too. Or maybe I do. That would be extra funny and impossible.
I spent a few hours last night with a dear friend that had a double mastectomy and reconstruction last March. She shared her story and even let me see and feel the new breasts and they look really great and felt like...well...firm boobs! She is so strong and honest about it and open. I really felt blessed to have someone like that to talk to. I have to say I woke up leaning in the bi-lateral mastectomy direction for the first time since all of this happened. I just don't want to ever go through this again and if that means out with the old and in with the new, so be it.
What else....oh the Wilco show was great. The first song, Via Chicago, brought the tears pretty hard core for me AND Jason. It's always been a pretty resonate song for us......the lovely melody playing constantly but then the crashes and dissonance of life rearing her ugly head while you are just trying to enjoy your songs. It was intense and profound to say the least. We just kind of held each other and let it out and felt it.......like we always do.
Thankfully the rest of the concert was a little less emotional for us. I mean it was but in a happier way. It's funny because when I walked into the concert after a fun dinner at Publican with out of town friends I thought "Awesome. Wilco, fun night, let's just not think about the cancer tonight, Crescent." Of course it was all I thought about. Especially after that moment with Jason. But that was alright. Good even. And I reckon that will just be the case for awhile. How can it not be?
It was the first time I've been able to listen to music since this all started without shutting it off the second it turned beautiful or sad. So there's another good step because I don't want to lose music. I want to use every drop of it to guide me through. And what better way to realize I can listen to music again, even if it does break me down a little, than a Wilco show. The band that kind of feels like just mine and Jason's right now even though we have to share them with the world. I was hoping, and still am, that Wilco would kind of be the soundtrack for me being pregnant this spring or summer or winter or fall, but for now it appears it's going to be our soundtrack for getting through this, and that is also fine. It's all good traveling music regardless.
Look at any clock telling time
Sing some strange verse
From some strange song of vines
And you'll be where you want to be
Man. Might be time for a Xanax ladies and gentlemen. But it feels good to get all that down. It's all been on the spin cycle in my brain the past few days.
OKAY FUNNY TIME!!!!!! I'm sure most of you have seen this but it cracks me up. I love when the boyfriend cat quietly says "right". Can you believe cats can make those sounds? I feel like it would feel good to do that. Get some toxins out or whatever. Plus be TERRIFYING!!!!!!
Monday, October 19, 2009
Friday, October 16, 2009
MRI shows no other masses or spots in either breast. (breat....I actually typed that again but fixed it!)
AND the tumor is a little smaller than they thought! 2cms. Still have a long road ahead but dang....that felt good to hear.
Next step is waiting for the genetics tests.
Man. That was a great moment. I cried harder than I have in days in the work bathroom but in the best way ever.
It's all this love I've been eating I'm telling ya!
In other cancer news Jason got me a giant jug of Kombucha that we are going to try tonight. Romance! hahahahah It's supposed to be good for cancer.....treating it...not giving it to you. I will report bag on how much it makes me gag or not tomorrow.
Love, love, love,
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Anyway, twice today J and I have talked about the real deal. The mastectomy. First I should say that I was worried that Jason would shut down during this journey. That he would just go into "guy mode" and get me where I need to be and say as little as possible. The opposite has ended up being true. He has talked and talked about his feelings. He has cried with me. Made me laugh. Made me think and loved me in a way that takes away a single doubt about true love. Dramatic? Yes. True? You know it.
We just had an hour talk about everything and about five times he said "You know all I care about is you being better, right?" and I said "Of course. But my vanity and sense of being a woman is killing me with the decision making." He said "I know. But you will always be who you are and that is all I love.".
Then we talked about how lovely really loving someone is. And it is. I know a lot of you have that with a partner but I also know a lot of you have that with friendship. It sounds SO over the top but that's really all that matters. Just love as much as you can and be loved. It is like the best medicine the universe has to offer.
Today was fine. Something weird happened in the MRI with the saline in my I.V. where I was certain I was gonna barf all over the MRI machine but I got it together. Then I had some blood work in the Micheal Jackson Memorial Blood Lab and then got some nuts and iced tea and in a weird way felt like a million bucks. Another thing off my list. Step by step this will be okay.
Okay time for bed. I just promised myself I'd blog every day until this is okay again.
Love to all that have sent gifts and notes and comments on here. You are all outstanding people. Love love love to all.
PS - I was just asking Jason for a funny end to this entry and said "J. Didn't we make a funny cancer joke today?" and he replied, in his classic Jason voice...."I would NEVER make a cancer joke, dude."
Lies. He's still hoping Make A Wish will call and get us a new TV. LIES!
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Revelation of the moment. I was thinking about the second to worst case scenario last night, which still involves me living and breathing and having a long life. Bi-lateral mastectomy and chemo. I'm terrified of those two things but will do what I have to do. Obviously most of that is vanity. I don't want to lose my boobs and hair. At all. Who does? No one. That's who. BUT it washed over me while I was on my walk home from the train that no matter what, my inside REAL self is solid. I like who I am and how I feel inside pretty much all the time these days and nothing can shake that. In fact I can almost feel that me getting stronger and more aware as I move through this experience. Thank god. I can't imagine being worried about the tertiary as well as my spirit guts. My core is happy and peaceful and is loved and loves. My hair will grow back and I'll just get a set of circa 1998 C cups and call it a day. I mean I realize it's harder than that but knowing that those who love me love ME while facing all these ugly possibilities just makes me want to be the best person I can be forever. I can do that without hair or boobs for a few months.
That being said, (I hate that expression) I still am doing my nightly mantra of "lumpectomy, radiation, hormone therapy.....no reoccurring anything". I say that 5 times before falling asleep. That may not be the healthiest but I'm just one man for god's sake!
Now on to more important things. I've had a lot of calls, letters, emails, Twits asking.....
"Hey crescent. Long time/First time. Sorry to hear you have cancer and all that but what we REALLY need to know is how Calaban is handling all this trauma in the home?"
A: He's a wreck. Can't eat....can't sleep....worried sick.
I mean look at that torment on his face!!!! First he loses his job, then he falls off the wagon and now THIS! We are screening therapists in the Hamptons this weekend.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
But it adds some levity. Breat cancer. hhahahhaha.....oh whoops......nope. Still not funny. (come on...it's KINDA funny. admit it.)
I haven't lived a healthy life for years and years. Not like John Goodman unhealthy, but never really paying attention to what I eat or drink or don't do. I was very healthy as a teen and even early college but then just threw all that out the window in the spirit of "living in the NOW dude". Not saying I did this BC thing to myself but nothing shocks you into reality about your body faster than "you have cancer". I keep having these waves of feeling really sorry for myself but I found today that when I focus on what changes I'm making to my health I feel better instantly. It's a positive to focus on that has nothing but good results. For the first time it doesn't feel like "oh crap. I guess I should get healthy and lose weight....sigh" it's more like "this is it. go. do this now." Plus I need to be strong in body and in spirit for this journey ahead.
I like it. It's being forced on me by the universe or fate or whatever, yes, but I'll take it. It's time.
Okay....hmmmm....something funny now.....
OH! This is a good one. I accidentally blew a kiss to a vendor as she left today! I was on the phone with my dad talking insurance and recovery and water heaters and what not and she left a card on my desk and started waving and for some reason I blew her a kiss. I was so embarrassed but then....SHE BLEW ONE BACK! It was so funny. It all happened so fast.
Monday, October 12, 2009
that just made me so angry I almost had to talk a walk. "battle scars" from lipo???? Wow. wow. wow. I just found a good place to aim my anger for a few days. hahahahahha
The visit started out with the surgeon (she is amazing by the way. we love her.) saying, "well I guess if you are going to have to have breast cancer this is the one to have. That is good news. MORE good news is that the cancer is hormone receptive which means I am a candidate for hormone replacement therapy after radiation and chemo (still hoping no chemo but most likely will happen).
Next steps. Thursday is genetic testing and MRI. The genetic testing will be a big factor in the surgery decision. Most women who test positive end up doing a bi-lateral mastectomy (both sides) so we are hoping I don't have the gene. The MRI will determine if they are missing any more masses and the actual size of my current tumor. As of right now they think it's under the 4 mm mark which is good but can't be sure without MRI.
Once we get all these results back we (I say we because Jason is my team mate on this and I couldn't do it without him) decide what kind of surgery I will be having. No matter what I pick they will remove the sentinel (main) lymph nodes at that time to see if it's escaped at all.
So that is where we are now. Friday was terrifying and sad but once we were able to get it together a bit we both realized there was more good than bad news and that we just have to take it day by day.
I feel like I should say something funny now. Um. OH I have one. On Saturday one of my best friend's sisters sent me a giant flower arrangement with "fight it" wishes attached. It was like almost as big as me. For real. Ask anyone. Anyway, Jason woke up after me and I told him to go look in the foyer at the flowers and I think he wasn't quite awake yet because he said "WHOA! that is the STEINBRENNER of PLANTS!"
No idea what that means but it made me laugh very hard.
Friday, October 09, 2009
2. My oldest sister telling me that my she and my middle sister "are sisters again" thanks to this. That made my birthday. They are always great but have had some hard times and found each other again through this. I think I might have cried harder over that than anything because it made me so happy.
3. The realization that I have more love in my heart and in my life than I ever imagined. That will get me through.
I'm ready to fight. Up for it all. Feeling lucky and amazed that I'm, literally, facing my biggest fear and it's really not that bad. I'm scared but ready. Sad but joyful. Certainly the furthest from alone I've ever been. Let's get it done.
Love to all,
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
Thursday, October 01, 2009
Jason took me to Naha for a super fancy lunch afterwards and that was really wonderful.
Results on Wednesday of next week. So until then I'm just going to relax and enjoy my weekend home in Stevens Point.
Lots of love,
PS - my experience is so not the norm so if any of you ever have to have this done you have pretty much a 98% chance of no pain at all. Mine was a fluke. A seeringly, painful, fluke.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Then when I got up he said "Be careful...Calaban might still be...you know....having some show business." He meant cat nip (a wine tasting friend gave us a bunch from his yard) but couldn't think of the word in his half sleep. So he said show business. I also should add that there was half eaten wet and dry show business covering the living room floor when I got up and Calaban looked like Keith Richards after a bender lying on the sofa.
THEN this morning I came into the room to get my shoes and the wind blew the door shut and he jumped up like a bomb had gone off and then said in his sort of sleep talking voice "Not cool.....not cool at all." Then lauged quietly to himself.
Oh the adventures of Nightime/Early morning Jason.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Thursday, September 10, 2009
"that's 40 lbs more than your last visit"
"you're 35? You better have a baby this second."
"we found a very suspicious mass. you have to have a biopsy right away."
The last two I've heard in the past 6 months. The last one yesterday. I am hoping that it will end up being nothing but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared to death. I debated writing about it because I am not looking for sympathy or trying to worry anyone. But I keep thinking that if I write about it hopefully it will all be okay and I can go back and read this and enjoy the flood of relief. OR if it's not such a good outcome this will be a place I can process it all.
and MOSTLY I originally started this blog to find the good in the bad. So let's do that now.
The Brighter Side of a bad ultrasound and boob smashing:
- My friends. Holy crap my friends. Megan taking the day off to go with me and then taking me out for lunch and drinks and letting me cry sporadically and make horrible dark jokes all day. I don't know what I would've done if I had gone on my own as I originally intended and insisted.
- More friends. I ended up having such a fun time last night just hanging out with my neighbors and Morgan and Megan in the yard. It kept me distracted and reminded me how lucky I am. Other friends emailing and offering time and distraction.
- Family. My family is just so good at this stuff. All falling into the roles I need them too. Dad being a total sympathizer and making me feel completely at ease with being a little freaked out and crying. Mom explaining her similar experience and telling me to pretend to be hysterical so they give me more Valium and also letting me bawl my head off. Kendra saying that her gut says it's nothing and that since she is still looking for a job she could just come and take care of me if it IS something. Jacy telling me a bunch of stories of friends that made it through the worst and that she'd be here in 2 hours if need be. Jason staying totally calm and listening intently while I vacillated between being "fine" and "flipping out".
- I can't really eat because I'm nervous so I've dropped a few more pounds! Yay!
- Experience! Lessons! Whatever happens I never ever want to be lying on a table hearing those words again so I'm about to take my health way more seriously. Not that I did anything to cause this particular issue but still. Wake up calls and all that.
So not so bad. I'm being way more dramatic about it than I need to be but it just startled me, as Jason would say. I feel very startled. But loved. And optimistic that it will be okay no matter what.
In other news.....
Calaban can't even be bothered to fold laundry. *shaking head in disgust*
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
um...my bangs and eyebrows are growing back after the visit to the sweeney todd beauty salon a few weeks ago. that's about it.
Oh! Calaban has finally had to accept a few babysitting jobs. He sucks at it. And he's let our apartment go to hell. And I'm pretty sure he had been drinking.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
In other news Calaban the Unemployed Cat (pictured here refusing to put on a tie and go to his temp job) will live to see another day! He just got a good (ish) vet report after worries that he was not doing well. We are very happy and glad. Happy AND glad! Whoa. And maybe pleased even!
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
- get a pedicure for the first time. I have been putting this off for years because I have very sensative feet and they hurt a lot due to a joint problem. But I'm going to do it. Like next week. I don't want feet that feel like sea shells to the touch anymore. Like right now there are three band-aids falling off my toes and blood on my side foot. I mean....come on. Don't be so gross, me. I will report back.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Last night's convo before sleep.
Jason: Should we just let the cat in so that we can feel the a/c?
Me: No. (jason stands there with the door open and stares at me) No Jason. (stares) NO! He will keep us up all night. We just need a stand up fan and we'll be fine.
Jason: the fan will be like "What's the DEAL with air conditioners?"
Then we couldn't stop laughing for about ten minutes. It's good to be home. Even though our room smells like hot weather and hard times.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
God! It was so freaky. So then I get up to walk it off and get some milk and when I come back he's awake. I told him that he whispered my name RIGHT after I had a nightmare and what does he say?
"maybe it wasn't me."
Thank you very little, Jason.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Now that I have a LAPTOP I can blog more now again. (weird sentence)
My eldest seester and her hus and her son are coming up for Ribfest this weekend so it will be a great visit in the yard with bbq and beers and a festival right up the street. I can't wait. I do wish I had some kind of powers that made my apartment clean....you know other than my power to clean it. I mean like hands free powers....blink and it's done powers.....Susan Pow-ters, I hear she needs the work. (Ohhhhhhh snap! Take that The 90's!)
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Monday, May 04, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Friday, April 17, 2009
Oh and our new grill was stolen in the night. Obviously not a tragedy but dang. That is the SECOND time in our marriage that someone has given us a grill and then someone bad has stolen it off our property.
It's so against my nature to even TALK like this but I think maybe just being honest about it might help a little. It embarrasses me to be this down but I just am and people say that's okay so it must be. Although I want it over now. I'm tired of it and have to find a way out asap.
SO here's a list of things I'm going to try to do to feel better:
remember how many great friends I have and that THAT is a true success
go home next week (was supposed to go this weekend but something else came up)
have fun in Milwaukee this weekend (that's what came up)
leave the house more so Jason has some time without me pouting around
don't take yourself so seriously
don't be so sensativo all the time
go to church
brush hair more
stop furrowing brow
get into a book
be thankful you have such a wonderful family and husband
try and watch some more bloopers with hats flying off and/or cats meowing words
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
So the scene starts with Pacino looking totally strung out and pale talking to his personal assistant who was this total 80's type sit com nerd.
Archetypal 80's Sitcom Nervous guy: "Uh Mr. Pacino, Sir, would you like to fly out of O'Hare or Midway?"
Pacino: MIDWAY????!!! Is that a crack about how much coffee I drink???!
(Studio Audience goes wild with laughter and applause)
Friday, March 27, 2009
I want to live in all of them. At once.
Next week I'm going to the Conservatory and am very excited.
Today we go to Madison for my dad and sister's b-day parties and my nephew's first gig with his band. Also, meatballs are involved so I'm pretty stoked.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
I just felt a need to really clear my head and regroup a little. Don't get me wrong....Sunday night I'll be enjoying a glass of wine for sure. Just maybe in a different way and not following it with the rest of the bottle. Maybe. Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Anyway, I will keep you posted. I'm also going to go to a movie alone. Take the train to Oak Park. Find a volunteer opportunity that fits my life and wants. Trying meditation.
Stay tuned for the antics that are sure to follow each and every one of these activities.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Yesterday I woke up and got on the compy. A few minutes later my cat starts meowing like crazy and proceeds to have the cat craps all over the side of his box. The OUTside. I have had a cold so I've already got the coughs. So I'm trying to hold my breath while cleaning it and accidentally took a real deep one and started gagging and coughing and I threw up on my own floor. Ask Jason. It's all true. So I had to clean up cat poop and my own vomit. Good thing I don't have a job or I would've missed out on that.
Other than that things are going great.
Monday, February 23, 2009
DING! Jason's home! Thank GOD. I can talk outside of my head now. That's a load off. Hi Jason! How was your day? What are you doing? What's that you're making? Pork chops? Great! Can you make mine extra salty and garlicly? What's that you say? You AREN'T going out tonight? That's great! We can play cards right here!!!! Why are you crying? What do you MEAN "personal space"? Anyway, I have 62 hours of America's Funniest Home Vids on the DVR! Let's cuddle! Do you have wine? Stop crying!
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
Our cat is peeing on the bed for some reason.
I'm finally feeling better thanks to doing nothing but sleeping and eating on Saturday.
I always miss Jason on Monday mornings.
Old peepers. (for Jason and Tim)
Duffy's is a terrifying place on Sunday afternoons in which there are sporting events in Illinois.
Feast was a much less terrifying place for Sunday brunch. Glad that's where we ended up.
If I'm still around at work I have a four day weekend coming up thank GOD.
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
What it REALLY looks like:
I was extra hesitant on this one because Jason has been rocking out the meals lately and making frozen food seem so very last year. BUT it's good! I like that the sauce isn't too garlicky or thick. The noodles are the perfect texture and the veggies don't terrify me.
The "apple dessert" I haven't gotten to yet, but I did eat a noodle that fell in there and it tasted pretty alright!
So yeah. Lean C gets another chance but that's IT! I'm serious. Make me almost barf once, shame on you. Make me almost barf twice, shame on me.
I love you,
Friday, January 30, 2009
I just sneezed a million times in a row. I'm not even exaggerating you guys. One million. I counted. Maybe a little under but not much. I hope this cold goes away over the weekend. Tonight I plan to eat the hottest foods I can find at Korean BBQ and sizzle my sinuses clear! Hopefully it won't also clear the rest of me. Youch! Ahhhh bathroom humor. Is there anything it CAN'T do? (doo)
I love you.
Friday, January 23, 2009
- My mom has turned a corner for the better today. My dad says she is out of bed for the first time in a week or two and thinks she might be on an upswing. I can't even begin to express the load off my mind THAT is. There's more healing and work and doctors in the future but at least she's not so so so sick.
- A boss told me I smelled good today. THAT I was not expecting since I overslept and my socks might not match or be clean.
- My friends are so funny and fresh it's not even funny...or fresh.
- My weekend is going to have to be a cheap/free one but I'm totally stoked about it none the less. Sometimes being kind of poor is a nice excuse to just relax and watch your giant t.v. with your husband and cat.
- Our new giant T.V. and great last names.