Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Science Water and Sad Good-Byes

Well he's gone. We put him down on Monday morning. He came and got us in our room. He hadn't been able to walk more than a few feet for a couple days and that little SOB made it all the way to our room. Gave us a few weak mews and we know it was time. So did he. The whole thing was HEARTBREAKING but beautiful. He laid his head in Jason's hand as he went. It was time, it was time. I keep saying that over and over but it really was.

Jason and I had a great talk last night about the milestones that come with pet loss. When my childhood cat, Marble, died I was about to move out of the house I'd grown up in and broke up with a boyfriend. The one before Jason, in fact. When Trinculo died we realized we had to get our collective lives together. When Ava died I realized I needed a new job. Watching Caliban go was this amazing ride of all of it. He's been there for almost all of it. The Crescent and Jason years I mean. College, moving, very hard times, very great times, cancer, loss of loved ones, he was there. Our totem. Now he's gone but I feel more full than empty. When he went I feel like he lifted all that anxiety I've been having about more hard times these past few months. That crippling fear that I won't be able to handle the rest of my life. Gone. I saw a cat that was ready for the next adventure and I felt his relief as he went. It gave me this blanket of comfort that we can all do this. Like my dad said....cats aren't worried about tomorrow. They aren't afraid of death. The just embrace and embrace and embrace. So that was my universe gift from losing really my favorite pet ever. We can do this. It will all be okay. Except when it won't but we can do that too.

Smokey the cat (my oldest sister's sweet tabby) had to be put down yesterday after some illness with his thyroid. So not a good week for cats in our lives. Or maybe a great week. They were both really ready. They are probably back to their fat and fluffy selves somewhere in the vastness of it all.

In other news my last words to Jason from my bed to him in the kitchen last night were "Don't touch it or you'll will compromise the science!"

I put a bottle of water (I know....I know.....million years to biodegrade....why not use a cup....why do you hate earth....yes yes. I almost NEVER have bottles of water at home but someone gave it to me as a your cat is dead gift, OK?) in the freezer all day yesterday. I took it out right before bed and put it on the counter for night time drinks. I wanted to see if it would stay cold all the way to my 5am water break. Jason was up until midnight doing laundry so I was worried he'd sample but he didn't. Until I told him he could at the 2am water break and then he drank all of it. So we have no answers here, people. We were ALMOST through the looking glass but Prah got greedy.

Also we are getting kittens soon. Even typing that I started crying tears of excitement. I've only had older cats my whole life know....oh my god. I keep dreaming of how fluffy they might be. Caliban would've wanted it that way. He always seemed like he just wanted us happy. He was a big part of that.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Gallows Humor

So we are pretty sure Caliban is dying. I don't really want to talk about it right now because my eyes are so puffy from crying all night last night that I fear one more tear and I'll lose my ability to wink, which i LOVE doing so that would be tragic.

Also I have friends going through much harder times so I don't want to get all "poor me and my old man cat". It'll be awful but we will be okay and I will keep you posted. He is an American treasure for sure and loved by the masses.

ANYWAY, I was in Jewel in a last ditch effort to find SOMETHING the poor old guy might eat and I accidentally looked at the cat toys and started BAWLING. In the store. At like 6pm. I had texted my dad prior to that saying:

"hey Daddy. I think Caliban might be on his way out. He's really bony and lethargic."

My dad's reply not two seconds later was simply:

"You spelled my name wrong. It's C A L V I N."

I laughed so hard that I forgot all about the sadness of cat toys and remembered the happiness of family and friends. It was a big help. Although I'm sure someone called the cops on me once I went from sobbing to laughing in the cat food aisle.

Of course my dad followed his joke with this:

"I have learned much from cats. No fear of death, agitation about tomorrow, and quiet facing death. As long as suffering is not great or lengthy, they just participate as in all things on the journey of cats, people, stars, all. Nothing destroyed. Every atom present from beginning. All transformed. Caliban was, is, shall be...what is the next mystery but no doubt about continuance of the great adventure of being. Grieve the loss but no despair or doubt."

There goes my chance to be the varsity winking champion of Cook County.