Sunday, November 29, 2009

Come to the light Carol Anne!!!

I was going to make my blog subject line "they're baaaaaaack" but it seemed to cliche' so I went with the other cliche' Poltergeist reference. Anyway, I'm back. I can type with my left arm again!

Things have been great. Healing every day and feeling more like myself. Tuesday we find out about chemo and I'm not really dreading it. I feel like I was prepped for it to be a "for sure" and so if I end up having to have it, so be it. If NOT then triple high fives to God!

Jason and I had a wonderful Thanksgiving and had more to be thankful for than ever.

What else....oh I SHOULD be back at work next Wednesday if my surgeon says I can go. I'm really ready to get into a new routine of work, exercise and eating differently. I just was telling Jason that the worst thing I can do with all of this is go "back to normal". I don't want that. I want to use this second chance (my SECOND second chance in my life by the by) and run with it. Thank it. Embrace the opportunity to be my best self.

I was telling my mom that I still am feeling like therapy is a good idea even though things are going well because I have some odd feelings that are hard to talk about with friends and family. One is a strange sense of guilt that things like this always seem to happen to me and put stress on my loved ones. Car accident in high school where I almost died, kidney infection that almost killed me and now this. I realize that is outlandish but you really can't control your feelings.

The other odd feeling is a sense of being happy this has happened. That's the weirdest. Of course I don't feel like it's been good but I just see this as a necessary part of my journey that will make me who I'm supposed to be.

I am having some bad surgery dreams and some stressy "everyone is trying to murder me but giving me a day ahead of said murder to be terrified" dreams. My oldest sister, Jacy, who is a social worker says that she thinks that's normal and that she sees a little post surgery trauma in my day to day. She works with veterans so she's seen REAL PTSD but she said that just having someone cutting on me has me a little shaky and I agree. But I am working through it. I think a lot of that was because of all the pain I was having. Now that it's getting better I feel a little less freaked out.

The GREATEST feeling I have is the one where all my bs insecurities of my 20's and 30's have just fallen away. I feel pretty and smart and proud and blessed. All those years of trying to find myself (barf) just seem silly now. I've been here all along.

So that is where my head is at for the most part. And I like it. Even the fear and stress. It's been good for me and has brought me so much love and strength.

Like my middle sister, Kendra, said when all this started "I feel so angry because our family doesn't need a wake up call to remind us how much we love each other. We knew that already!" That's very true. But now I feel like it's even brighter and that just seems like a bonus.

Now something funny. On Thanksgiving my sister, Jacy, asked if she could see my scars and I showed her both my breast scar (which is totally no big thing...the surgeon did a great job) and then my lymph node removal scar. So she was looking at that one (right in my left arm pit kind of) and said "I think it looks okay but do you think maybe those steri strips are ready to come off sooo....." and before she could finish the word "soon" I ripped them off. We both looked at each other. Me with a little shock and pain and then the bees in my ears and then the shakes. She said "Jeeze Crescent! I thought we would have a discussion about it first!" it was hilarious.

Okay time for bed. Nighty night rabbits.

Friday, November 06, 2009

I LOVED College

I mentioned that a few hundred times last night while hanging out with some of my oldest, dearest, college friends and Jason (whom I guess is the college friend that is, in fact, my dearest and oldest). We had such a ball. Is there anything better than getting a group of old friends together and remembering memories? I love how everyone has one that everyone else has forgotten and we all get to have that "OH MY GOD I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT THAT!". It make me laugh hard and get happy. I love it. LOVE it.

I had some blood work and a surprise pelvic ultrasound today. I wasn't aware I needed one but in the doctors came while I reclined on the table fully dressed. I thought the ultra sound was on my belly but not so much. I realized what was about to happen when the nurse said...."oh need to take off your pants." Oh. THAT kind of ultra sound. She could have at least bought me dinner first. HOYYYYOOOVEN GLAVEN!!!!!!!!

Turns out my baby makin parts are looking okay so that's good.

This weekend is for relaxing, visiting, drinking lots of water and breathing. Then Monday is for cleaning. Tuesday is for trying not to OD on Xanax because of my nerves. hahahah

I'm actually feeling okay today. Had a great talk with my Dad today about logistics and what I wanted as far as visits and help and all that and he gave me some great advice. (the advice should've been "shorten your sentences")

Instead it was this:

"Crescent. Don't go into hostess mode on this. You need to do whatever it takes to be comfortable, healthy and happy. We will all take care of everything else."

Does the man know me or what? Crap DAMMIT I love my family.

I got to carry a tube of my blood all the way from the lab to the fertility office this morning. Wanna see a vile of my blood? You don't?

TOO BAD!!!!!!!

Blood in the elevator.....lovin it up while I hit the town......blood in the elevator.....ultra sounds make your pants fall dowwwwnnnnnnnn.....

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Good Dream/Bad Dream

Feeling much better today I think. Surgery all scheduled for next Wednesday. Medical leave starts Monday. I'm REALLY looking foward to being off of work. Trying to deal with the emotions and appts and everything WHILE doing my job has been hard. It sounds so nice to think of just laying around for a few days and not having to worry about ANYTHING but getting better.

Okay two dreams. First one was horribly dark and scary. Two girls in the oceans at Jaws type senario. I think they were even sexy girls probably. Anyway of course they were brutally attacked by a shark and then they were dead and under water but still talking and the one girl said "How did we die?" and the other said "I don't know but the teeth have arrived." It was just SO creepy and dark! I hated it.

BUT then I was rewarded for enduring that bad one with a new movie staring...........ready??? Jim Carey and John Candy! It was called Cop Tops and I gotta tell you it was hilarious. In one scene they had broken into a suspects house who also happened to be some kind of scientist that made poisons and stuff. Jim Carey was the goofier one and he grabbed what looked like a grap slushie from the fridge and started drinking it. They were tip-toeing through this tiny hall way when John Candy turned around and saw what Jim (I call him Jim now) was drinking and started yelling at him and hitting him quietly with his hat then goes "is it good?" and Jim goes "yeah you want some?" and Candy goes "yeah just pour a little in my mouth." hahahahahahah I mean you had to see it but it was so funny to me. It was great comic dream timing I have to say. What a team they made. Sigh. Anyway, that's all for today I think. I'm exhausted from cancer/surgery/treatment talk today and might take a little break for the day. It's my best friend's b-day and we are going out for a fancy dinner. I am going to have something really good and then come home and sleeeeep.

Love love love,

Monday, November 02, 2009

Hulking Out

Well it finally happened today. I got mad. REALLY mad. It's passed and I feel better but was surprised to feel that way.

We saw the fertility specialist today and she is fantastic. In Jason's words..."Wow. That doctor is the SHIT!" and he is right. She was funny, prepared, honest and had like 13,067 Doctor of the Year Awards on her wall which made us feel good. She also got us lined up with one of the best oncologists at Rush so we are finally totally set on all my doctors! That's a load off.

She told us good will cover invitro, lots of options about ways to freeze embryos, donor eggs, donor uteruses (uteri?)....lots and lots of options. And it made me cry in the office and mad me feel so angry later that I have to make this decision. Another decision. Why can't I just have a baby like everyone else? Why do I have to wait until I'm 40 so all the chemo and hormone therapy is over? Why do I have to take MORE crap that will make me crazy and stressed and sad and F with my body? Because "you do what you gotta do to get well". I know I know.

Now, two things. One is I'm better now. Two, going to talk babies when you have raging PMS is not the wisest of my many un-wise moves. But Jason put it perfectly as we were trying to find our car in the lot again....."I felt like I was 5 years old there for a minute and that I was totally incapable of decisions this big."

So anyway, there it was. The "anger" that I've been trying so hard not to have. Whatever. It was shorted lived for today and will probably show back up again. I think what bugs me is that these emotional swings make me feel like a crazy person. Just last night I was talking about what a great opportunity this all is for change and growth and feeling all strong and ready.....blah blah blah. I still feel that way but also don't want to talk to anyone at work or lift my face off my chin rest made from my hand or stop eating. I just want to eat noodles. Jason if you are reading this can we have noodles tonight in some form?

I just want to be home with Jason. That was part of it too. I didn't want him to drive away when he dropped me off at work. It happened too fast. All this info about our future and about babies which we both want so badly it hurts but then I had to get to my job because this is my last week before my medical leave starts. I have to interview replacements and get caught up on all my expense reports and fax forms to HR and man.....I'm just not up for having cancer today. I want to just sit in the car with Jason and not even talk. Just open the windows and breathe a bunch of air.

Everything just feels hard today (that's what she said). But seriously folks, it does. It will ease up again soon I know. Up and down up and down. Perfectly normal everyone says. Feels anything but normal, BUT I trust that is true.

Funny story:
Jason will have to you know what in you know where this week at the fertility place while all I have to do is get a blood test. It's really not that funny.....maybe not funny at all but it's all I got today.