Friday, January 29, 2010

Keeping It Together

So I'm very tired today which is normal and not a big deal but I find when I'm tired I'm a little less resilient. Anyway, I was starting to feel kind of freaky anxious about the hair fall out (hasn't happened yet but will soon). BUT then I thought the following thought:

Remember that day in the surgeon's office with Jason? That feeling of how much lay ahead and how terrifying it all was. The tests, the tests and the more tests? The surgery day and the recovery? The blood clot in my armpit that felt like I was being shot in said armpit every five minutes? The three week wait to find out if I had to have chemo or not? The build up to that first treatment? All of that is done. DONE! It's part of the story now. Waiting for my hair to go is the last big scary thing and it doesn't hurt and will grow back. I can handle it. I can handle it.

Thank you brain.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Ladies and Germs.....

I'm back! Sorry for the blog lapse. I wasn't feeling it last week, but am back at work and ready to talk! I don't have my Flip with me to show you the events from the big Wiggin' Out fundraiser my darling friends put on for me but I'll do that this week.

Let's just talk pros and cons of chemo, shall we?

Cons: What I call "Chemo-Cliche's"....bloody noses (so 1970s chemo), small fits of rage (sooooo Meredith Baxter-Birney), waking up every day to wonder if my pillow will have a hair shaped Crescent's head outline on it, and heartburnnnnnn. Hot flashes. What am I? That lady from that show that got breast cancer and has hot flashes??? Jeeze.

Cons part 2: "Chemo-Surprise!"....dry everything. I feel like changing my middle name to with me people? (leans on mic while wearing skinny tie and suspenders)...and what's the deal with airplane toliets!?? I mean come ON! Am I right?
But seriously folks, black out naps. One minute I'm doing something or talking to Jason or enjoying high quality television when BAM! I'm asleep and dreamless for like 5 hours. It's nuts.
WINE TASTES WEIRD AND BURNS!!!! This, my friends, is a big CON for ol' Cres Cres. I'm sure it's for the best but I miss my soothin' bardonad.

PROS: Yes there are pros! My face skin feels like a holy mix of cloud butter, unicorn hugs and Kenny Loggins songs. It must be the no wine and lots of water but it's something you MUST feel if you have the chance. Very choice.
My chin hairs are falling out! HOLLA ATCHA BOY!!!! (RAISING ROOF MOTION!)
Also, Jason is more liberal with my favorite jokes. He did the band teacher bit TWICE for me yesterday and once WHILE I was crying! That is love, my friends....that is love.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Dreams to remember

Remember that song in The Cutting Edge in the scene after he turns her down because she's too drunk and he says "Not like this" and she says "not like what? Not like ME? In case you hadn't noticed I'm THROWING myself at you!"

Then in the next scene he's drinking from tiny bottles on his bed and that song "I got dreams....dreams to remember...." is playing in the back. Then the trampy other ice skating girl comes over.

Anyway, this has nothing to do with that. I just like thinking about that movie sometimes. Plus I know Stephie will know what I'm talking about. Hi Steph!!!!

MY dream last night was that I'd had my first treatment but didn't remember it. I woke up (in the dream) to pee and evaluated how I felt and realized I only felt kind of swimmy and dizzy. I was so relieved in the dream. I know I won't get off that lucky but it was still nice and hopeful.

Also I like that my mind is working on keeping me calm even when I'm sleeping. I had a little freak out last night for a few minutes worrying about it all but I just decided not to focus on that and enjoy the best night of TV ever. Two 30 Rocks? That ruled.

My week has stayed good. I made my wig consultation appointment, I am joining Gilda's Club for yoga and support, I have read up on every single drug that is going into my body and now tonight I get to have a birthday dinner (hers...not mine) with my sister and my brother in law. I can't wait.

Feeling the love,

PS - how wonderful are my friends?

Thursday, January 14, 2010

My cocktail

I'm posting this to just have it for my own resource but also for anyone who is curious. I find that the more I read up the less freaked I feel (most times....some days I want to run to Mexico and live in a tree, never to be found again).

These are the three drugs I'll be getting in my chemo. The last one is the one that is being used in the clinical trial to find out if it helps stop breast (breat) cancer from coming back. I'm a perfect candidate because of my age (35), my tumor size before removal (2 cm) and my specific cancer (stage II invasive ductile cell carcenoma, HER2 neg (human epidermal growth factor receptor negative) meaning I don't carry the gene and estrogen receptor postive meaning it is hormone based.

Lots of info I know, but knowledge is power, if you will pardon the cliche'. (this is the trial drug)

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

A better week

So the strife and drama I was oozing out last week has melted away a bit. I had a great weekend and even though my treatments are postponed until next week they are FINALLY done testing me and I am officially registered for the study and did, indeed, end up in the third experimental arm of the study. This means I will be receiving the Bevacizumab. I will have six treatments of that and the other regular chemo drugs then when I am done with that I will do six more treatments of JUST the Bevacizumab but they come with almost no side effects so it's just a matter of going in and having the i.v. for an hour every three weeks. No biggie. And the drug has had great success with stopping the recurrence of lung and colon cancers so let's hope it does the same for BC.

I spent a few hours yesterday getting all my meds and chemo kit stuff put together and it feels great. I feel ready and strong for once.

Okay that was a boring post but I'm slammed at work. Love to all and if you can make it to this benefit that my friends put together I'd love to see you. It's really a special thing they did for me and I'll never forget it.

Friday, January 08, 2010

emo vertigo

Man. I am up and down this week. That's why I haven't written but I suppose I should write even when it's bad. I'm fine. Heart tests were good. All is good. But this study....grrr.r.....I know in my heart it's the right thing to do but the extra tests and red tape are making me rage out. I don't even feel like explaining it. Basically I will probably start Tuesday as planned but there is a chance I could start the NEXT tuesday. Which is fine. I don't know why I'm so mad about it. I think it's just I'm tired of not knowing things. I'm tired of not having a solid answer for people at work and in my life. I just want to GET GOING!!!!

Man. Phew. Okay....breathing. There's nothing to even be this angry about. I just am having a day. I have a very fun weekend planned so I'm going to just enjoy it.

I think what it really comes down to is that I meant to get regular hummus and grabbed the red pepper kind. I hate the red pepper kind. WHY ME GOD??????

just kiddding God. I know why me. I can do this. I can do this.

But I'm NOT eating this hummus. That I can't do.