Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Come on.

Just got word that my aunt has breast cancer. If it weren't so God awful and unfair it would be a laugh riot. But it's not. It's the opposite of a laugh riot. A Crying Sit-In? Whatever. Not. Fair.

Monday, October 18, 2010


Well I actually did a Breast Cancer walk even though I swore I never would. I always thought they were an odd and kind of dumb way to raise money but I was wrong. We raised almost $3500.00. That's a few mammograms!

The walk, itself, was so cathartic for me and just such a great way to spend a morning. There were people there in the throws of cancer...bald heads...canes...sick...but walking. It lifted every cell in my body. Plus being with this group of people that were on my team was just amazing. I would walk quietly for a bit then turn to my left or right and a friend would be walking by my side. We'd talk and the group would mix up and someone would rub my back and it would be Erica or Megan or Gena....then a few mins later an arm would go around my shoulder and it would be Heather or Anne or Morgan. It just meant so much to me. Not just the walk...this whole year has been like that. Every time I turn around one of you are there. I hope my mom has that. I know it was what got me through this year with my spirit, not just in tact, but renewed in way I never knew exisited.

I talked to my mom on the walk and she's having a pretty hard time. Her infection keeps coming back and that on top of chemo is just the worst. I can't wait for her to be on the other side. I keep promising her this side is really great and that it will get better. In the meantime.....ugh. It kills me to know she's so miserable.

Something funny...I thought the walk was 2.2 miles. I SWEAR I saw that specific number on the info I received but it was a 5 mile walk. It was really easy and fun but I find it hilarious that when I found out it was FIVE whole miles I almost had a panic attack. It's good to know I can handle walking that far without passing out. I'm probably ready for a marathon now. Those are easy, right?

Wednesday, October 06, 2010

A year ago today.....

I started a rubber band ball.

And found out I had cancer.

Here was most post from a year ago:
Oh Tom Petty...
you were so right. The waiting is the hardest far. Let's pray it remains the hardest. I have never felt so anxious 24/7 in my life. It sucks. Not as much as cancer would suck of course but I'm hoping for good news.

Here was the next post:
welp....'s cancer. BUT it's only stage 2 which is way better than stage three. I meet with the surgeon tomorrow to see what's next. I'm doing okay actually. Three things that have been lovely since I found out.

1. Jason.
2. My oldest sister telling me that my she and my middle sister "are sisters again" thanks to this. That made my birthday. They are always great but have had some hard times and found each other again through this. I think I might have cried harder over that than anything because it made me so happy.
3. The realization that I have more love in my heart and in my life than I ever imagined. That will get me through.

I'm ready to fight. Up for it all. Feeling lucky and amazed that I'm, literally, facing my biggest fear and it's really not that bad. I'm scared but ready. Sad but joyful. Certainly the furthest from alone I've ever been. Let's get it done.

Love to all,

I don't really know what to say today. I feel quiet for the first time since Carter was in office. I feel different and fortunate and relieved. I feel scared down to my bones about life. I feel ready for the change that is coming. I feel good.

from today:

Friday, October 01, 2010


I like it when events make a point of saying "Rain or shine!" on their websites or flyers. That's the spirit, event havers! I don't know why but it always makes me feel better about things. RAIN OR SHINE we are DOING this! Got it? It's just so...plucky and optomistic.

My mom and dad shaved their heads last night. (if not for the crappy circumstances that very well might have been the funniest sentence I've ever typed) She found her first bald spot and decided it was time. My dad did his own first in a lovely fit of unity. They sent me a picture and it gave me the shakes at first but only because I know how hard it is and I can hardly BARE the thought of her feeling scared and sad. BUT that is precisely how you are supposed to feel about your Momma so it's okay. I stared at the picture this morning and I realized for the 87,578th time in my life how beautiful my mom is. All face is a powerful thing...eyes and's just so exposed. Ack...makes me cry to type about. I just love her so much. And Dad. Jeeze louise. Or Jeeze louis as I used to think it was spelled.

okay....getting back on top of it......annnnnd...we're back.

I had drinks with some really outstanding humans last night. You know who you are. All of you gave me the inspiration shivers. Made me want to just kidnap all of you and hide you in the basement to remind me how great my friends are on a daily basis. What??? Why is that creepy??? I was going to provide a deluxe air mattresses and food. Jeeze louis....paranoid much?

Tonight is stay home date night. I'm very excited. Thai food and movies that give me the night terrors....ahhh...I can't wait.

OH and Jason will be there of course....but I have to admit I keep singing Tonight I celebrate my love for you.....but Jason's face fades away and I realize I'm singing to the giant plate of spicey basil noodles that I'm going to make my bride around sundown.

Enjoy my SECOND favorite Peabo B. smooth jam. Feel free to read along with the lyrics provided. You just might learn something about second chances and arms.