Friday, June 25, 2010

My Leftness

No I'm not talking political I right people??? (leans on mic stand...snaps rainbow suspenders) but seriously folks...what IS the deal with ugg boots?

Anyway, My Leftness is my new term for my area that is being radiated. It includes my breast, obviously, otherwise I would have been diagnosed with blank cancer. It also includes my arm pit and collar area, etc. Anyway, it hurts inside! I can tell it's cooking. It doesn't burn but it feels like I have a bunch of cut up muscles in my boob. Horrible sounding I know but it isn't. It only hurts when I bump it....solution? Don't bump it! I protect it like a ming vahhhhhze. ming. hahahhaha

I've started talking to my leftness too. In my head I keep saying, "Leftness...when all of this is over I'm going to take you out for a nice seafood dinner and maybe see a movie. Hop over to the Poconos for a long weekend just the two of us. Sumthin real nice, baby."

I'm not sure why I'm a bad Italian stereo type mafia husband in this senario but i'mma gonna run wit it.

Time to go eat a steak with my husband in the yard.

Love and pizza pies,

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

some things.

Things are fine. Had my Avastin infusion today and then radiation and x-rays. Back at work pluggin away. I have been a little crabby this week and I keep praying it's PMS but no luck on that front yet.

I woke up and decided to try and not take everything too seriously. That seems to be working. I also decided to drink one Slurpee a day. They are terrible for me but really up my happy levels.

My trip home with Megan for my nephew's graduation was outstanding. Emotional but great. My family is just so good for each other. I was homesick before I even left.

7-11 has pretty good roast beef on light rye sandwiches.

What else....oh lost five lbs and BP (blood pressure not the spilly oil co) is down again a little bit which is good. They think it's up from the Avastin but either way I could stand to lose oh say....four gazillion lbs.

Essentially all you really need to take from this post is that 7-11 provides most of your daily needs in one convenient location of which there are many across the greater Chicagoland area.

Wednesday, June 09, 2010


*this was hard to write and will be harder to read for some more than others. Be careful sweet friends who know who they are*

There was a young guy, Jason's age at most, in the radiation ward/clinic/area that just about did me in today. I couldn't look at his face but I know he was tall and ill and bone thin and terrified. I didn't really look at him because it felt....I don't know....just not for me to see. But I'm telling you hand to God...I could feel his fear. It was holding him hostage. The way the nurses (he had to have two to help him walk) were speaking to him had that tone...trying to sooth him....ugh....I can hardly write about this. Taking break. Please hold. (Girl From Impenema - Musak Version 5).

Okay. Had a stick of gum and put on some lipstick like my Mama always taught me when in need of getting ones self together.

So it was awful. And palpatable. And just heartbreaking. He was in my world for no more than 20 seconds but I feel like I will never get him out of my head.

He just felt like he was a sad and skinny and afraid representation of all that stupid cancer is. It made me so mad and confused. And so selfishly happy for my life and my hopeful outcome. It was a truly consuming moment and I hate talking and thinking about it but I need to get it down.

Man. Dang it. Please know your call is important to us. We will be back with you shortly. (Classical Gas - Musak Version 1). let's get to the titular brighter side of this story, shall we?

On my cab ride home I put my phone away and rolled down the window and took in as much air as my lungs could handle without combusting and I realized what I want and feel like I have to do with my life. I need to find a way to take even the smallest pinch of that fear away from people going through this. I'm not sure exactly how that will be yet but I can tell it's going to come to me soon. Because the fear is what I can't get over. Seeing it in others much sicker than I am....feeling it in my own heart....hearing it in every word my family says to's terrible. It's a cancer unto itself. I am not as scared anymore but it will always be there now. Like my boob scar. The only way to reconcile my anger at that fact is to find a way to ease some of that fear in someone else. Maybe that's sign one of a God complex and I'm actually not having an epiphany but rather about to snap my noodle and run for Mayor of Looney Toon County. Either way.

Since day one of this little adventure I knew a message was waiting for me on the other side. An answer. I've trusted in that this whole time and I can feel it happening.

Ohhh I sound so dramatic and I hate that. But has been dramatic. Dramatically good and dramatically hard and dramatically terrifying and I will never be the same. Nor should I be.

Anyway, I love you all and something weird is going on at work (just construction guys...not like WEIRD weird). I better go.


Monday, June 07, 2010

Into The Groove....

I keep trying to post this and I keep losing "it" I mean the post not my cool or anything.

So let's sum it up fast and furious, shall we?

Feeling way into the swing of radiation already. Feels like part of my day. Love the techs and doctors. The waiting room is cold. Two latin sisters fighting everyday. Cab rides.

Got it? Good.


PS - I tried to post a pic of my hair growing back but it's not working. It's on Facebook anyways. Go there to see if you are so inclined. Smooches!

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

I Want To Lay Around Wit Choo.

I am nervous about my first radiation but not so much about the procedure, more about getting there and back to work in a timely fashion. I'm going to try route one of three today and see how that goes. It will involve me taking the pink line train with seems fitting. The Breat Cancer Train!

I also noticed I ate pink yogurt and half a pink doughnut today inadvertently. Oh god. And I'm wearing pink. I swear I didn't even notice that until just this second. Too tooooo funny.

On the train ride to work today I ALMOST got overwhelmed by the 32 radiation treatments coming my way and was kind of tearing up behind my Panama Jack sunglasses (don't be so's not for me to say how cool I am because I fashion shop at CVS) when I remembered Jason's song to me last night.

We had opened special bed up for a rare appearance to stay cool and watch movies. He was on the sofa and I was on special bed watching the hockey game. I was just about to nod off and Jason starting singing "I just want to lay around wit-chooo...." in his best R&B high voice. Then he'd laugh at himself. Then he'd sing it again. The whole time pushing me over to make room for himself. Certainly falls under the category of "you had to be there" but it was very funny to me.

Anyway, that song came into my head at JUST the right pre-meltdown moment this a.m. and I started laughing to myself. (I'm sure they are THIS close to putting up posters on the train "Beware of Crying/Laughing Girl in Wig".

So I feel better now, thanks to Jason and his wacky song stylings. I can get through this portion of treatment too. It will be fine and I have to take it day by day as I have the rest.

It will get me out of the office every day. It will add some good walking to my weight loss plan. It will cut the chances of my cancer coming back by almost 70%.

These are good things. Bring on the boob rays!