Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Donut Shame

I am doing pretty well with the weight loss thing. It's slow going but it's going. I can tell I look healthier already. Although right now I'm a giant embarrassed splotchy red mess because I just mortified myself.

Wednesday is donut/bagel day at work. I have to get them at Dunkin Donuts and set them up. I really REALLY love donuts. I haven't had a donut in three weeks. OR a bagel. This has not been easy for me.

Today I was early to work with the donuts and bagels and took extra care setting them all up in the kitchen. I made them look extra delicious. BUT I stayed strong and walked back to my desk and ate my boiled egg and yogurt. (just typing that made me frown and pout....stupid egg. dumb yogurt. rassafrassa....)

I got stressy with work and found myself lifted up from my chair and walking, nay, floating towards the kitchen. Pulled by a force stronger than I. I think I blacked out a little because all of a sudden I was standing the kitchen....just staring at the donuts. Staring. I thought "I'll be that moron that cuts it in half and just has partial satisfaction." "I'll shove the whole thing in my mouth really fast and it will be like it never happened!" "I'll bring it to my desk, wrap it in a warm, soft Kleenex and just put it in my drawer and name it Gertie so that I grow attached and can't bring myself to eat her."

So however long it took you to just read that is the amount of time I was standing there....staring at donuts. If I were a size 4 this might be a cute thing. "look at that sweet petite lady wanting sugary pink breakfast sweets..awww" but when you are 30 lbs overweight and your brow is furrowed it's just sort of hard to watch, I would imagine. Like a jailhouse documentary or Precious.

Thinking I was alone with my donut thoughts. I finally found my willpower and slowly turned to walk away, shaking my head "no donut" as I did so only to find three co-workers at the sink watching the whole, sad, ordeal. I could've just walked away but no I muttered "heh heh...thought I wanted one...trying to...not."


Wednesday, November 16, 2011

A Pound Of Flesh

I'm down a pound. Don't worry. I won't update every time I lose a pound. Probably.

This is what the internets told me a pound of fat looks like:

Blergh-o-rama. Maybe that's what OTHER people's fat looks like but mine is more like this:

That's right. I'm made of kitties. Just ask Twinkles...that's my elbow.

What? What happened? Did I make a super weird joke about elbow cats and then faint? I thought so. Better have some rice cakes.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

What is UP?

Fat. Fat is up. I am tired of the ill fitting pants and the shirts that ride up. I have taken action. Lipo!! Kidding,kidding. You all know how I feel about unnecessary surgery.

I AM however embarking on this whole "change of habits" journey I hear tell about. I'm using a really great app called Lose It! (the exclamation point makes me feel like they are yelling at me but that's's like the ARMY). It's basically Weight Watchers but free and a little more aggro. AGGRO!!!! Plus it includes a good deal of exercise. A word I have trouble spelling and thing I don't usually do.

I'm slated to be down to my wedding weight by March 2012. I liked that weight. It wasn't my thinnest but I looked nice and curvy without the squish. I loathe the squish. I poke it sometimes just to stay on target. Poke poke...I'm doing it now. Right in my belly. So gross.

The bottom line is this: I like myself. I think I look great. I'm glad to be alive. Jason likes me and thinks I'm pretty. I don't have big hang ups about food I just love it is all. As J says "I don't eat because I'm stressed or sad...I eat because it's delicious." Amen little one, amen. Jason, by the way, has lost 20 lbs. so this helps in my motivation. Envy is one of my true motivators, for better or for worse.

Mostly I just am ready to be healthy. It's time. January will be a year of not being on cancer treatments (except Tamoxifen of course but that's no big whoop). Life is moving on. Jason is embarking on his dream of opening a restaurant. I am ready to look and feel my best.

So that's that. Just wanted to put it out here to keep myself accountable. Because BOY would my face be red if in 5 months I came back here and was like " my new thing is being extra EXTRA fat. I wash myself with a stick."

Wish me luck and here's to less squish!!!

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Sunday Morning at The Prah's.

Sunday. 7 am. I am in a deep deep sleep, for once.

Jason: Crescent. Crescent. Crescent. Crescent.
Crescent: Dude! What?? What's wrong??? I was crashed out!
Jason: I had a dream that Cee Lo came into the restaurant and had his whole crew with him.
Crescent: ....
Jason: OH and he had some dogs and got to play with them.
Crescent: That's great, hon.
Jason: Yeah. It really was. Those dogs were so cute!
Crescent: Awesome.
Crescent: I had a dream that I was running from some spies trying to do undercover work for my boss and I got shot in the butt with a tranq dart.
Jason: Whoa.
Crescent: Yeah.
Crescent: Hey you haven't said anything about my pumpkin I carved.
Jason: I know.
Crescent: Don't you like it?
Crescent: Mention it!
Jason: it's the white elephant in the room, isn't it.
Crescent: you mean purple.
Jason: it's the 30 pound gorilla in the room.
(we both bust out laughing because he is picturing a tiny gorilla and I'm picturing a very tall skinny ill gorilla)


Jason: I think it's funny you got shot with a tranquilizer dart in your butt.
Crescent: It was awful. While you were busy dreaming of puppies and Cee Lo I was taking darts for America.
Jason: (in low voice) You've got a f*&%^in dart in your neck.
Crescent: (in low voice) What? You're crazy. I like you''re crazy.

then we just kept quoting Old School until we fell back to sleep.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

A Key, A Star, A Leaf and A Feather

This is the only superstition I've allowed myself during my cancer run. My, then, 17 year old nephew gave me this bracelet when he came to visit me the week before my lumpectomy. He did NOT want to hear or talk about the cancer. It made him visibly sick and worried. But he showed up with this in a little gift bag with a candle and it spoke volumes. He said it was "a house warming gift" but I'd lived in that apartment for about five years at the time.

I wore it to every test, surgery, lab, x-ray, mammo, chemo and radiation treatment. It used to be all silver and the feather was blue and the star was white but it's all rubbed off. I like it that way. Shows the wear and tear of the journey.

I have another mammogram today and I almost forgot it on my bed room door knob (where it lives when I'm doing dishes). Thankfully I could feel it missing from my wrist and went back for it.

I'm always nervous on these days. Especially when the weather reminds me of that first mammo where they found the mass. It's like ghost stories where they say "it was a night JUST like this" then large Marge scares the shit out Pee Wee.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

The Human Skull

Last night in writing class we all were handed pictures of an object and had to try to describe them to the rest of the class without telling too much. Kind of like Taboo. For example if you had a picture of a fire hydrant you couldn’t say what it’s used for or something LIKE it…had to be purely physical description.

First off the teams were uneven so I ended up getting my own picture and not being on a team so I had to describe it by myself. So it was a little daunting from jump street.

It was just a real nice run of the mill human skull. I had some good clues...three black holes (which I at first called “three black circles” and then remembered that a nose hole is not at ALL a circle), moving parts, smooth, white-ish grey…etc.

Keep in mind I was the only one that didn’t guess the previous items correctly ( hanger and fire hydrant) because as people starting using dimensions and circumfrences and hypotonus's's and angles and stuff my brain went into math fear protection mode and cranked up the groovy sounds of a Rita Coolidge song I had listened to right before class to drown out the scary words.
Enjoy it while you read the rest of the story if you like. It's very soothing.

When I came to it was my turn to guess. For the hydrant I guessed “silo.”
For the hanger I guessed “some sort of playground equipment? or a fence?”. So it wasn’t going well for me. I leaned over and whispered to my teacher that I wasn’t very good at understanding left brain thinking sometimes. My teacher said that was just fine and not what the exercise was about so not to worry. He’s a super great guy and teacher, and yet I swear I could still feel that he was suppressing a giggle fit.

Back to the skull. No one had any clue what my picture was (except for me and the teach, of course) so he started trying to help me describe it to the class. He asked me if everyone in the room owned one of these. I said “I....think so? Wait. Oh...Yes. Yes. Everyone owns one.” The teacher and I both started sort of giggling over that answer and my face turned the color of a fire hydrant (or silo). I was laughing out of embarrassment but I suspect he was probably wondering how I was able to hold down a job, speak a human language and feed myself.

When everyone scratched their heads (that everyone in class owned) and still didn't get it, he asked what size the item was.

I replied, “About the size of a basketball”. He totally started losing it, but tried to keep his cool. I realized I may have overshot and said “a small basketball...a small one.”

Finally, after everyone was SURE it was a bowling ball I revealed the picture.

Now I’m sure it didn’t happen this way but it FELT like the entire class in unison said “The size of a BASKETBALL???!”

Then I got the kind of giggles that make my eyes water and tried to hold them in. Mercy showed herself and the class ended and I practically jogged home.

The only thing I can say is thank GOD Jason wasn’t there to break in with one of his “well Crescent does have an abnormally giant head” jokes. He probably sensed it all the way downtown at his job and doubled over with a splitting headache and vomited on the floor. His body and mind fighting through the loss of missing a "My wife's head is SO big......" opportunity.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Worse Than Cupcakes.

Please don’t have hurt feelings by what I’m about to say. It’s just one whoa man’s opinion. I want to punch that new Sarah Jessica Parker movie in the face. With my fist. And possibly also kick it with my foot. Or maybe even kangaroo that shiz with both feet. What’s it called again? How Can It Be That She Does Many Things?? Or What The Shit? She Has a Family and A Job?!!! Now I’ve Seen EVERYthing! or Bow Down to This Rich White Lady That Makes Much Money Doing Something She Loves and Is Married to Greg Kinnear and Had Babies?

I can’t be bothered to look it up. Whatever it’s called I want to throttle it. She is the ONLY one that manages this life, everyone. Don’t mind the moms that have more than 2.5 kids, a couple of manual labor jobs that pay crap, at least one mortgage and dear lord still manage to be sweet humans that function normally in society without falling on beds sobbing in their Prada dresses. OR how about the dads that work their butts off and manage to still make time for and love their children and wife!??? UNHEARD OF!

I will never watch this movie but let me ESP five things that will happen:

1. A seedy boss will put the moves on her 9 to 5 style but without the charm of that little gem of a film. In fact I think Dabney Coleman is actually IN this movie too! For shame Dab, for shame. You are better than that, sir.

2. All the kids will be totally ill mannered little spoiled jerks but it will be okay because they are just “acting out” because mom is trying to have it all and sometimes forgets to feed them steaks and shrimp while buying them tickets to the teen pop star, Jordan Buster concert (they won’t pay for the rights to use Justin Beiber’s name, cheapskates).

3. Also, hold the phone….doesn’t Greg Kinnear’s character have a job too? Even if he’s stay home dad that’s a pretty intense job as well! Why isn’t it called How Do THEY Do It? Huh? Okay that wasn’t a prediction. I just got mad again.

4. Cupcakes will be mentioned or baked or eaten with zeal.

5. A hotter and younger girl will threaten SJP at work. Not like with a knife or gun, I mean with her youth and energy and fat free gams.

6. Bonus: Pilates will be mentioned or shown. Those obese fatties in the cast better WURK to lose that .2 ounce of fat they have on their skeletons.

While we are at it…how do I do it? I mean come on! Full time job pulling in five figures, an 18 year old (cat) still living at home who pees on the floor sometimes, a really full DVR, noodles that aren’t going to Marge themselves and a husband who rules. How do I do it, you guys? I don’t know and neither do you, but SJP has it the hardest so don’t even bother trying to solve this mystery of the ages.

Editor’s Note: Dabney Coleman isn’t in this movie thank God. I had to look it up if I wanted to get a mere WINK of sleep tonight.

Friday, August 26, 2011

I Wrote a Farticle!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

A Typical Day of Gchatting with Fred

Crescent: i have that target song in my head
Demin....graphic tees, hoodies and denim

Fredrick: shut it

Crescent: hahahaha
i love that ad

Fredrick: shut it

Crescent: hahah
leggins and tunics

Fredrick: CRESCENT

Crescent: hahahah

(a little later after a discussion about the guy on Real Housewives committing suicide)

Crescent: well he had many reasons
mostly that he was going broke and was a douchey wife beater.

Fredrick: ah i see

Crescent: hahaha I keep doing print screens for this project and every now and then your little face is in the corner from this chat.
it's killing me.

Fredrick: love it

Crescent: i've had to crop you out like five times.
it's slaying me for some reason
especially because it shows up so tiny.
like last time it was you saying "ah I see"
under a lean cuisine ad

Fredrick: perfection!

Crescent: it looks like you are a little ad commenter. like it's part of it
"Lean Cuisine. Ah. I see."

Fredrick: hahahahaha.

Crescent: and that's totally how everyone feels about lean cuisine. "ah. i see. i'm fat and need to eat this. ok."

Fredrick: hahahahahahaha

Crescent: hahahahahah
oh man.
that was a rich 6 minutes.

Fredrick: glad i could help

Tuesday, August 09, 2011

Slow Dancing

So Jason is out of town until SUNDAY! I'm going nuts. He's like my best hang out buddy ever. Yes I realize I shouldn't announce I am alone for the week but I carry two deadly concealed weapons. My fists and my kicks to the FACE! YAH!!!

Anyway, I'm glad I love him enough to miss him this much. I'm even more glad that he's having such a great relaxing vacation up north with his folks.

I'm making a mix of songs I like to slow dance to. In the process I've realized that these two are the greatest slow dance songs of all time. I damn near grab the closest broom or cat and start swaying gymnasium style the second both of these start.

you have to watch a stupid ad first. but it's worth it for the slow jamz.

another stupid ad first.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

i know i know

Cancer goes away and I am all radio silence. Truth is I'm just really busy and happy and writing something big elsewhere.

Italy. Ohhhh Italy. You were blazing hot but so very very fun. We couldn't have asked for better travel friends. Jerry and his sister (Jenny SIZZLAHHHH...not really) were dreamboats. We spent every moment but sleep with them and were still totally sad to say good-bye. Even though we saw Jerry like the next day.

I ate many a noodle, my friends. Many a noodle. I fear I shall never know noodles like that again but I will continute to dream.....and remember.

Ciao bella.....ciao. *sniff*

Oh yeah we met the Pope. By "met" i mean "saw" and "received a blessing from" "in a crowd of thousands". It was pretty cool though.
he's the wee man by the red draping in the teeny window.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Who Has Two Hammer Thumbs and is Going to Italy?

THIS GUY!!!!!!

I already packed even. Jerry, a good friend of ours, also won the same trip so he is coming along with his sister. We have started a very hilarious (to us) game via text that I predict will go on for years and years because, folks, this joke has got legs arms and a social security card it's so good.

It started because I guess CeeLo did some lame version of his FU song about firemen. I don't know how it really goes but Jerry sang it with disdain and in a perfect CeeLo voice and I about fell over.

"I see you jumping outta buildings with the people I love and I'm like, Thank youuuuu"

that started it. Here are the rest so far. There will be more. Enough to maybe start a friggin Tumblr even.

Jerry: I see you droppin' stinky loads in your litter box and I'm like Peeewwwww
Crescent: I see you watchin' British capers on PBS and I'm like, honk shooooo
Jerry: There's just so many!
Crescent: I hear ya sayin' there's so many ways to spoof CeeeLo and I'm like, that's truuuuuue
Jerry: I can not wait for March Madness to here, I root for K UUUUUU
Crescent: I heard that Brutus killed that Ceasar on the steps in Rome and I'm like, et tuuuu?
Jerry: Instead of fingers I have wicks at the end of my hands, call me La Foooouuuu (then he realized that's the wrong character and I revoked his Disney privledges for a month)
Crescent: I've got the pollen in my nose and my Flonase it out so I'm like atttchoooo
Jerry: I try to catch all of the chickens on my little farm, I'm gonna pluck
> yoooouuu. (the fact that he put "little farm" made me cry tears of the laughings.)
Crescent: I havin groovy little parties in the seventies and I serve...fonduuuu

Ok. that's all. I had to get them all down somewhere.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Even when things are sad, life remains hilarious.

Last night Jason and I were heading out to bring dinner to a friend and I had a pie in my hands. I opened the door and fell onto my knees and the pie shot out of it's package but then the way I fell closed the package back up. It was like the coolest, most painful and messy magic trick ever.

Jason just kept saying "what are you doing?" and "jeeeeeeze" while I tried to clean up the pie.

I just texted him that I was really feeling that fall today and he wrote back "hahahaha there is still pie all over that chair."

I don't know. I guess it's just funny to me that I had a pie accident. Seems very Laugh-In.

Wednesday, June 08, 2011

Sometimes there just isn't a brighter side.

My best friend's dear friend is close to departure. He has been fighting brain cancer like some kind of superhero for a couple years now. Today he began his exit process. I met him about 5 times. Once right before we were both diagnosed at my friend Fred's house. We talked a ton and I instantly knew he was one of those people. You know the ones. The ones that should be here much longer than his early 30's. The ones that are good dads and husbands. The ones that make it better here.

After we both found out about our cancer....mine a much less scary diagnosis than his....we would bump into each other at benefits or concerts and compare notes on our treatments.

The last time I saw him it was harder for him to talk and I could see it frustrating him. We just kind of held/shook hands and I tried to make it clear to him that nothing needed saying. I was just glad to see him.

He is with his family now and surrounded by love. But that just isn't enough for me. I see Anne and Matt grieving and struggling to make sense of losing a friend. I see his wife try and remain tough and strong and hopeful during what would really be my worst nightmare. There is good to be drawn...of course. Human spirit, better to love than not, life is short. today all that feels like rubbish. He shouldn't be going. It's not fair to him or his little girl or his family or my friends that love him so much.

I hope there is some peace but dang it, man. Just dang it.

This is not mine to mourn, I realize. I am just so sorry for those close to him and I love those people that are close to them so it all hurts.

Cancer is a no good dirty playing thief.

hug each other.


PS - then I get this from my amazing dad.

"We were not. Were. Will not be. Will be. A mystery to be here, to leave, and a real mystery about the next rendition. We actually know nothing of the next dimension whether dust or daisy or new person. What we do know is all was well with us before we were this and will be OK when we are not this.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Moving on....

Did I mention Jason won us a trip to Italy? Or earned I should say. He sold a scrillion bottles of wine and the owner of the winery is rewarding him with a trip. to....ITALY. I'm so excited I could barf.

I'm trying to learn some basic Italian but the only phrase I can remember is "me chiamo...Crescent". My name is Crescent. I told Jason I'm going to say that at the end of every interaction like a catch phrase.

"No hablo you have many noodles? Me chiamo....Crescent."

" you have Rolaids for sale? Consumame many noodles. Me chiamo...Crescent."

Also on the itinerary (which was all in Italian) I realized I was listed as Mr. Crescent Prah. We had it changed but the other night we were talking in bed when J got home from work and he said "So...we will arrive in Italy the day before??" and I laughed and said "No honey. We don't travel back in time." and he said "you better stay fresh* or I'm gonna take MR. Crescent Prah instead of you." Gave me the giggles something fierce.

The goocher is that when I went to England for semester abroad in college my train pass said "Mr. Crescent Allen".

Imagine if I was a dude named Crescent. I would be a weirdo. Gauranteed. Lucky for everyone I'm a lady weirdo which is much easier to deal with.

*Fresh in Jason speak means everything from cool to polite to weird. In this instance he meant it as not a smart ass.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

The bliss of normal

The peace of going into a summer feeling as good as I do and knowing my Mom and Aunt are on the mend is like a vacation to a tropical island without the malaria or umbrella drinks. And let's face it...both of those can be arranged if I'm so inclined.

I was delighted by my second healthy and normal cycle this month. And by delighted I mean almost stabbed a few people for eating too loudly and cried just thinking about a dog getting a bath in a sink. You know...a good healthy dose of PMS. It was great. I love it! I'm serious. The pain of living life and just plain ol being a woman again is simply magical to me. I have energy, my head is clear, my scalp is covered with wonderful crazy curly hair. Although I have to say, I'm not nuts about the cramps part of this womanly magic. They are pretty rough. Feels like a million evil trolls (redundant...ALL trolls are evil) are hacking away at my insides with tiny evil tools of troll evil.

My point is the normal is just such a gift right now. I know it won't last. Life keeps happening. Worries abound. Bad things show up when you least expect, but for now...springtime....I'm going to just enjoy the day. Smell some trees, maybe pickle some things (spoiler alert: I probably won't but will mention it a lot and say "i really should try that"), spend time with my friends and family and just breathe in the lazy and lovely air.

seriously....why do these make me cry???

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Clip show

My posts from a year ago. I always imagined reading them a year from now so I just did.

You don't have to read them. I'm just putting this here so next year when I come back I'll see THIS post and remember how good I feel today. And then look at LAST year's posts and remember how crappy I felt sometimes and then in two years from now hopefully I'll look back at the past two years and be like "oh man...that was before I was totally rich and my family was all really happy and healthy and Jason and I wore shoes of gold and ate diamond noodles and took everyone we love to a private island of fun!" and so forth.

It's like ouroboros only maybe healthy and not sssso sssssnake-ish.

Friday, April 15, 2011


Remember that picture I talked about where I looked so freaked out at Christmas two years ago? I just randomly found it in my dad's pictures online. Figures that he was the one that took it. He always seems to know what the real deal is.

this was the post:
here is the pic

Annnd a close up.

Yikes. I can feel that feeling in my feelers just LOOKING at it. I felt like running and screaming into a tree like Katniss in The Hunger Games. That's right. I'm reading that book and guess what everyone? It's the best book I've read in a long time. Young adult my can. That is a scary and deep story! I wish I was reading it now. sigh. What was I even talking about?

Oh right. Trees.

Spring is coming and going but will eventually show up for good here in a few days I think. I feel relaxed. I'm very happy. Always a little gun shy to feel either emotion but I might as well. I used to think that phrase was "mind as well". Well my mind is good as well.

I also thought it was you "goated someone into doing such and such" instead of "goading". I pictured a goat head butting someone into their next move. Goating them into it.

I do have some fantastic news but it's sort of even too private for me. Let's just say Judy Blume talked a lot about it and I never thought it would happen to me again after chemo. It's no gaurantee of children of our own but it is certainly a nice bit of hope. We needed that and are enjoying it greatly. Plus it's a real load off not to cry every single time I see or hold or smell a baby.

See how I said it was too private to talk about but here I am talking about it? That is a classic Crescent trick. You gotta watch me. I'm wiley like a fox! I tend to say things without saying them then just accidentally say them. Like this...PERIOD~!!!! WHOOOHOO!!!

Shoulder shrug. We're all adults and can handle it. Plus it's really a hugly mongus deal to me and J, which those that love me know.

He was telling his friends at work (see? we don't need no stinkin privacy) and said "She just got her first hair cut last week and now she's got her period!?? My little girl is growing up so fast!"

He's a crack up, that one.

Love to all!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Milestoned part 2

Today is the day I get my first haircut since the big shave of February 2010. "It's just will grow back" was my mantra. Now here I am with a robust Seinfeld mullet and an appointment to get it cut into something fresh and new. As I watch and wait for my mom's to grow back I realize it's much more than hair. I mean I always knew that but when you are bald as a cue ball you try and trick yourself from feeling the depressarios that come with said baldness. As you watch it grow you feel like it's springtime...that it's healing your body...that you are owning your inner woman again. Just hair or not, it's been quite the journey. Like my Dad said this a.m. "I'm just so glad you have some to cut." You and me both, Papa. Now for my self indulgent trip down baldery lane.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Oh Buzzy.

I've been kind of quiet on here because we have had a run of some sad news and writing about it just felt depressing.

But it's time. I just got word that my Godfather, Buzzy (his name was Bill but he was always Buzzy to us) passed on to his next adventure this morning. He was diagnosed with lung cancer less than a month ago and was put on a respirator early this week. When I heard that news I assumed there was still time. We’d go up there this summer and have that long dinner we’d been planning with them. Well we know what happens when you assume. It makes an ass out of me and me. I'm trying to find comfort in the fact that he didn't suffer long but mostly I just feel heartbroken and sad. Sad and sorry. I can't even begin to comprehend what his wife and daughter are going through right now. I love them all so much and it hurts to think of how much they are hurting.

When I was first born my mom got really sick with an infection and had to stay in the hospital. Buzz and Grace took me into their home for my first days of life while my dad juggled his other two daughters and a sick wife. Most of my dreams take place in that house on Sunset Fork, I think just because I was there for so much of my childhood. Holly and I would play and play while my parents and her parents would have these wonderful parties that would spill out into the yard.

Buzzy had this giant record collection and a stereo system that practically blew out the windows (The police were called frequently in response to complaints that someone was blaring Abba at an absurd volume). Those parties are some of my first and happiest memories. They went on for years and years. When we were really little, Holly and I would have our bath then Buzz would give me one of his t-shirts to wear to bed. They'd put a fan on us and we'd fall asleep giggling and listening to the muffled conversations downstairs about art, music, food, wine, life. He had this BIG wild laugh and singing voice. I would feel safe and happy and couldn't wait to have parties like that...friends like that. Now I do and it's everything I ever dreamed it to be, although I now plan to start more spontaneous dance parties in his honor.

Some weekends I would stay over for a couple days (they were right down the street from my home) and Buzzy and I would sit at the kitchen counter while Gracie and Holly baked or cooked something wonderful. He'd tell me about jazz and play a song then get excited because he would remember ANOTHER song I "had to hear". He was the person that taught me to love all music. To hunt it down. To know which song went with which feeling, memory or even which meal. Like a sommelier of tunes.

Last night I was out watching Jason shoot pool and Kodachrome came on the jukebox. I almost turned around to see if Buzzy had played it. It transported me back to that living room. Watching my parents and my Godparents dancing and laughing. Knowing that it would always be that way, even if it wasn't.

The last time I saw him was late this summer after my mom's diagnosis. Jason and I sat in the yard with Buzz and Grace and talked for a few hours. He fixed me a pink lemonade and asked if I wanted a splash of vodka in it. When I said "Of COURSE!" he repeated me a few times and laughed that big Buzzy laugh. We sat in the yard and had the best visit. I walked around the house and peeked into our old play areas and felt the conetenment that always came with being at Davidson's house.

At one point I was telling him a story and gestured a little too grandly with my left arm (as I tend to do) and he mistook it for me reaching out to him and he laughed and grabbed my hand. It was sweet and awkward and has been playing over and over in my head and heart since Monday. Over and over and over like a wonderfully broken record.

I'm trying to pull out some gift from this. It's hard to find among the sorrow, but I think all these vivid sense memories I have of those times are the gifts of a lifetime. Jason knows exactly what I mean when I'll say "This wine tastes like Davidson's house" or "Holly and I did a lip synch of this old song for Buzzy's birthday" or "Saffron makes me wish I was at Shadow Lake swimming with Holly".

Smells, sounds, tastes, all about enjoying life...enjoying each other. Seems very simple but also imperative to a happy heart. Enjoy it all. Dance a lot, eat delicious foods, drink your favorite wine, go to sleep with the voices of your friends ringing in your ears. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy each other. Thanks for all the music and laughs, Buzz. I miss you already.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011


Tough news day for me and J and our families. Can't get into details really yet but my Godmother mentioned this poem in an email today so I looked it up. It took most of my murky/sad/angry feelings and made them make a little more sense and reminded me of what got me through my bad year and what I need to give to help those around me now get through theirs.


Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.

Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and
purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
it is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you every where
like a shadow or a friend.

Naomi Shihab Nye

Friday, February 04, 2011

Are We Sweaty for This?

Word of caution to any fellow breast cancer survivors out there on the delightful little estrogen blocker drug known as Tamoxifin, or Tammy for short. She seems harmless but she'll getcha. Don't think you can causally skip a dose just because there is a blizzard in your city that cancels your work therefore making you forget things due to sheer glee.

Here is a list of side effects that will occur if you do this:
1. You will experience bouts of murdery feelings that cause you to, literally, say "grrrrrrr" a lot.

2. The aforementioned murdery feelings may also lead to extreme foul language whispered under your breath and inopportune times.

3. Your eyes will get puffy for some unknown medical/science type reason causing everyone to ask you "what's wrong?" or "have you been sobbing?" You will answer "NO!" in a murdery voice and proceed to try NOT to murder them. This will not be easy.

4. When you are finally able to rest your weary murder head down on the pillow you will be bombarded with bi-hourly hot flashes that will drench you in sweat then cause you to freeze to death because your husband can't sleep without a fan on. This will repeat all night long.

5. Noodles will become a monkey on your back.

Please follow your doctors orders (I typed "odors" the first time..hahahah....MOOD SWING!) and take this medicine as directed....every the same time......for five.....years. God help us all.

*SIDENOTE ADDED LATER: I can't blame Jason for the fan. I love it too. There. I did the right thing and was honest. I think we've all learned some valuable lessons here today that we won't soon forget.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011


I was busily cleaning out a bag that has been at my office for months to use for our TRIP TO CALIFORNIA TOMORROW when I found, among other items, these two docs:

1. my prescription for "hair"
2. my treatment plan. I just finished that bugger last Tuesday finally.

Then it dawned on me that a year ago today I started chemo. And today I'm getting ready for our trip to Cali, finally. I don't really know what else to say except it really wasn't that bad of a year. And I did it. And thank you everyone. And I can't wait to be on vacation for a few days. And I love you.

Friday, January 07, 2011

"It's time to LAUGH again!" - Homer Simpson

Actually it's always been time to laugh but lately I've been enjoying some gutbusting hahas. That seems like a good sign. Last year I laughed a lot but there was less oomph behind it. Maybe I was worried too hearty of a laugh would bust my stitches or something. "WELL BUST MY STITCHES!" I'm going to start saying that with a southern accent every time something surprises me pleasantly.

Anyway, I can also listen to music again without feeling like I might burst into a thousand and four pieces of sadness. Music was almost off limits for me last year which was a bummer because I really really love music. So it's back too.

I think I'm just more alert now that my cells aren't being fried with chemo. I've noticed that my friends and family are outlandishly funny. Almost too funny. Almost.

Like right now I'm Gchatting with my dad and he is being so funny that I am smiling and snorting at my desk like a crazy person. I actually just accidentally whispered "Daaaaad!" to myself in reply to his hilarity. That was embarrassing since he can't hear me but the people walking by me to head to lunch COULD hear my creepy whispers.

Here is a sample out of context:

My Dad: All good. Careful packaging. Not a crack in nay chocolate surface. Even the tails in the box were crisp. Of course it is very cold. Enjoyed the sweet and the protein.

Me: tails? I don't know why but I'm horrified at that word in this context.

My Dad: Well now that I have eaten them I can't double check.

What are we even TALKING about? I don't know and I don't care. It just feels good to be happy-ish.