"that's 40 lbs more than your last visit"
"you're 35? You better have a baby this second."
"we found a very suspicious mass. you have to have a biopsy right away."
The last two I've heard in the past 6 months. The last one yesterday. I am hoping that it will end up being nothing but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared to death. I debated writing about it because I am not looking for sympathy or trying to worry anyone. But I keep thinking that if I write about it hopefully it will all be okay and I can go back and read this and enjoy the flood of relief. OR if it's not such a good outcome this will be a place I can process it all.
and MOSTLY I originally started this blog to find the good in the bad. So let's do that now.
The Brighter Side of a bad ultrasound and boob smashing:
- My friends. Holy crap my friends. Megan taking the day off to go with me and then taking me out for lunch and drinks and letting me cry sporadically and make horrible dark jokes all day. I don't know what I would've done if I had gone on my own as I originally intended and insisted.
- More friends. I ended up having such a fun time last night just hanging out with my neighbors and Morgan and Megan in the yard. It kept me distracted and reminded me how lucky I am. Other friends emailing and offering time and distraction.
- Family. My family is just so good at this stuff. All falling into the roles I need them too. Dad being a total sympathizer and making me feel completely at ease with being a little freaked out and crying. Mom explaining her similar experience and telling me to pretend to be hysterical so they give me more Valium and also letting me bawl my head off. Kendra saying that her gut says it's nothing and that since she is still looking for a job she could just come and take care of me if it IS something. Jacy telling me a bunch of stories of friends that made it through the worst and that she'd be here in 2 hours if need be. Jason staying totally calm and listening intently while I vacillated between being "fine" and "flipping out".
- I can't really eat because I'm nervous so I've dropped a few more pounds! Yay!
- Experience! Lessons! Whatever happens I never ever want to be lying on a table hearing those words again so I'm about to take my health way more seriously. Not that I did anything to cause this particular issue but still. Wake up calls and all that.
So not so bad. I'm being way more dramatic about it than I need to be but it just startled me, as Jason would say. I feel very startled. But loved. And optimistic that it will be okay no matter what.
In other news.....
Calaban can't even be bothered to fold laundry. *shaking head in disgust*