Hulking Out

Well it finally happened today. I got mad. REALLY mad. It's passed and I feel better but was surprised to feel that way.

We saw the fertility specialist today and she is fantastic. In Jason's words..."Wow. That doctor is the SHIT!" and he is right. She was funny, prepared, honest and had like 13,067 Doctor of the Year Awards on her wall which made us feel good. She also got us lined up with one of the best oncologists at Rush so we are finally totally set on all my doctors! That's a load off.

She told us good stuff....insurance will cover invitro, lots of options about ways to freeze embryos, donor eggs, donor uteruses (uteri?)....lots and lots of options. And it made me cry in the office and mad me feel so angry later that I have to make this decision. Another decision. Why can't I just have a baby like everyone else? Why do I have to wait until I'm 40 so all the chemo and hormone therapy is over? Why do I have to take MORE crap that will make me crazy and stressed and sad and F with my body? Because "you do what you gotta do to get well". I know I know.

Now, two things. One is I'm better now. Two, going to talk babies when you have raging PMS is not the wisest of my many un-wise moves. But Jason put it perfectly as we were trying to find our car in the lot again....."I felt like I was 5 years old there for a minute and that I was totally incapable of decisions this big."

So anyway, there it was. The "anger" that I've been trying so hard not to have. Whatever. It was shorted lived for today and will probably show back up again. I think what bugs me is that these emotional swings make me feel like a crazy person. Just last night I was talking about what a great opportunity this all is for change and growth and feeling all strong and ready.....blah blah blah. I still feel that way but also don't want to talk to anyone at work or lift my face off my chin rest made from my hand or stop eating. I just want to eat noodles. Jason if you are reading this can we have noodles tonight in some form?

I just want to be home with Jason. That was part of it too. I didn't want him to drive away when he dropped me off at work. It happened too fast. All this info about our future and about babies which we both want so badly it hurts but then I had to get to my job because this is my last week before my medical leave starts. I have to interview replacements and get caught up on all my expense reports and fax forms to HR and man.....I'm just not up for having cancer today. I want to just sit in the car with Jason and not even talk. Just open the windows and breathe a bunch of air.

Everything just feels hard today (that's what she said). But seriously folks, it does. It will ease up again soon I know. Up and down up and down. Perfectly normal everyone says. Feels anything but normal, BUT I trust that is true.

Funny story:
Jason will have to you know what in you know where this week at the fertility place while all I have to do is get a blood test. It's really not that funny.....maybe not funny at all but it's all I got today.