Come to the light Carol Anne!!!

I was going to make my blog subject line "they're baaaaaaack" but it seemed to cliche' so I went with the other cliche' Poltergeist reference. Anyway, I'm back. I can type with my left arm again!

Things have been great. Healing every day and feeling more like myself. Tuesday we find out about chemo and I'm not really dreading it. I feel like I was prepped for it to be a "for sure" and so if I end up having to have it, so be it. If NOT then triple high fives to God!

Jason and I had a wonderful Thanksgiving and had more to be thankful for than ever.

What else....oh I SHOULD be back at work next Wednesday if my surgeon says I can go. I'm really ready to get into a new routine of work, exercise and eating differently. I just was telling Jason that the worst thing I can do with all of this is go "back to normal". I don't want that. I want to use this second chance (my SECOND second chance in my life by the by) and run with it. Thank it. Embrace the opportunity to be my best self.

I was telling my mom that I still am feeling like therapy is a good idea even though things are going well because I have some odd feelings that are hard to talk about with friends and family. One is a strange sense of guilt that things like this always seem to happen to me and put stress on my loved ones. Car accident in high school where I almost died, kidney infection that almost killed me and now this. I realize that is outlandish but you really can't control your feelings.

The other odd feeling is a sense of being happy this has happened. That's the weirdest. Of course I don't feel like it's been good but I just see this as a necessary part of my journey that will make me who I'm supposed to be.

I am having some bad surgery dreams and some stressy "everyone is trying to murder me but giving me a day ahead of said murder to be terrified" dreams. My oldest sister, Jacy, who is a social worker says that she thinks that's normal and that she sees a little post surgery trauma in my day to day. She works with veterans so she's seen REAL PTSD but she said that just having someone cutting on me has me a little shaky and I agree. But I am working through it. I think a lot of that was because of all the pain I was having. Now that it's getting better I feel a little less freaked out.

The GREATEST feeling I have is the one where all my bs insecurities of my 20's and 30's have just fallen away. I feel pretty and smart and proud and blessed. All those years of trying to find myself (barf) just seem silly now. I've been here all along.

So that is where my head is at for the most part. And I like it. Even the fear and stress. It's been good for me and has brought me so much love and strength.

Like my middle sister, Kendra, said when all this started "I feel so angry because our family doesn't need a wake up call to remind us how much we love each other. We knew that already!" That's very true. But now I feel like it's even brighter and that just seems like a bonus.

Now something funny. On Thanksgiving my sister, Jacy, asked if she could see my scars and I showed her both my breast scar (which is totally no big thing...the surgeon did a great job) and then my lymph node removal scar. So she was looking at that one (right in my left arm pit kind of) and said "I think it looks okay but do you think maybe those steri strips are ready to come off sooo....." and before she could finish the word "soon" I ripped them off. We both looked at each other. Me with a little shock and pain and then the bees in my ears and then the shakes. She said "Jeeze Crescent! I thought we would have a discussion about it first!" it was hilarious.

Okay time for bed. Nighty night rabbits.