I realized last night that I don't know my body right now and feel invaded and that THAT is the worst part. People ask that a lot..."what's the worst part?" I'd say watching my family and friends be scared is THE worst but the invasion of the crescent-snatchers is a close second. However, it felt fantastic to understand that all of a sudden. It happened while I was holding Anne's new baby, Eden, and just couldn't control my tears and heartaches. It got worse when Jason came into the room. I felt like an animal...like my instincts were just going along without me. I felt my insides shake and my nearly lashless eyes started doing that tear squirting thing (PS - don't take eyelashes for granted...they really help when crying). I went into the bathroom and that's when it hit me. I don't look like myself, I don't FEEL like myself, I'm not dressing like myself....hell I don't even SMELL like myself. I hate that part. Because of that I am abnormally raw and crazy all the time, I think. It works the other way too where I'll laugh so hard at something people start looking at me like I might need a blanket and some soup. I used to have SOME control over my emotions but nope...not right now. Oh well. There are worse things, for sure. It's like everything is too joyous or too sad and they create this mix of crazy that just flows out of me no matter what the context.
It almost just happened again during a free chair massage at work.
First off, let me say that I should be getting massages weekly. Holy TOLEDO OHIO did that help. I know I know...they give free ones at Thousand Waves Spa for cancer patients. I don't know why I haven't gone yet, I just haven't.
Anyway, when I plan to tell someone something I always end up doing this super fast awkward talking and nervous bad joke laughing thing when the time comes to actually say it. This is not a side effect of cancer or chemo. I have done this my whole life. So I had spent all day trying to remember and plan to tell this massage person that I have a wig on so they don't rub my head too much or feel weird or whatever. No big deal to tell someone, right? Well this is what I ended up saying.....and I quote......
"HI!! (said super loudly) Not that I'm uncomfortable or that YOU would be but this is a wig (point to head)....from chemo...I get chemo...for cancer...but I'm fine really so don't feel bad.....so this is a wig (point to head again). Just so you don't like get...well up in the hairline (do an up in the hairline pantomime) or something and like....POP it off because THAT..hahahhahaha THAT would be funny and embarrassing...hahahahahahah
her reply: "ok"
Good lord.
She starts the massage and I instantly feel like I'm going to start sobbing bawling again! It's gotta be my hormones mostly, right? I mean they are for sure being horribly toyed with. I'm not even down! I swear! I'm pretty normal feeling and happy but man this crying out of nowhere has to stop. It makes people sad and I'M not even sad! Just ready to be myself again physically I think.
Good news is I did NOT cry afterall. I worked through it and really really enjoyed the massage. I considered going back in with a fake moustache and hat on and saying "Exuse me madame...is zees ze place for ze free massage? Sign moi up!" but I had work to do and left my french disguise at home.
Humans are meant to have their poor sore muscles healed like that. We should all have free chair massages at least once a week. Maybe no more than that because they would lose their specialness, but let's make this happen. Put it in the new health care bill, Gobama!!!
Whoa. Topical humor. On a Wednesday. Now I've seen everything. Let's hope for tropical humor tomorrow.
Love,
Crescent
PS - the irony that crying on stage was almost impossible for me when I was acting is not lost on me. Maybe I should start acting again. I would be the cryingist actress to grace the stage.
5 comments:
I'm happy to hear that you took advantage of a massage and that it helped you. I agree, free massages for everybody!
I know you're probably working on a lot of this with meditation and all those good things, but is there anyway you can embrace all this emotion? Even if it's kind of devoid of who you are, maybe it's something that needs to be released? Is there creativity in it or anything?
Maybe you just need a blanket and some soup.
omg madge i was gonna say the same thing. cres, you should probably just let the tears flow. for real. maybe that's the real reason your hair falls out, so your lashes aren't c--k blocking your tears. i am totally serious. you need to release those toxins, and if your body is doing that by crying, then grab a tear bucket and put on steel magnolias. for real. it's ok.
love you girl.
so glad i read this tonight. praying for.... peace. grace. all of it.
you've been a model patient to the outside world. Let your soul live into this new reality. it will catch up. i promise.
in the little book i gave you, one of the readings talks about God's mercies being new every morning. I love that. no leftovers from yesterday, no squandering from tomorrow. just enough for today. yes.
when mom was going through her cancer stuff she lost her 'filter'. it never came back, but she was already certifiable before it all happened, so she didn't have far to fall. :) You'll be great. you ARE great. you are loved.
Stephie
wv: forder
wow.
Crescent, thank yo soooo much for sharing your journey. It means a lot.
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