Play like.....

I was trying to fall asleep last night in bed, before Jason came in and I smelled like fire pit so I pretended that we lived on a lake. The cars were waves, the people talking on the street were actually night swimming on floating docks out in the water and the screen door opening and closing was Jason cleaning up the yard for the night. He was actually cleaning up the yard but in my mind it was a different yard that went right up to the water. I've done that my whole life. My mom said that some of my first words were "play like....". "Play like you are Danny Zucko and I'm Sandy." "Play like I'm kicking really high." "Play like this truck bed is my apartment." I'm always in a movie or a video or a book or living a different life but with the same people and maybe Paul Rudd thrown in for good measure. I think everyone does, right? It softens the sharp edges of life, at least for me. BUT, last night, it made me really sad and scared! I started feeling like I was going to cry about it! I was flooded with the passage of time and how much has changed around me and what is in store whether we want it to be or not...just LIFE man. The GIANT HEAVY gravity and reality and change and circles and intensity in ten cities that is LIFE! It snuck up on me. Keep in mind I have been doing GREAT! I swear they forgot to give me chemo drugs this round. It has been NEARLY a breeze. But still...I felt heartsick for some reason and pretending to be in my lake house and having no need for a job and no struggles was making it worse. So I got up and brought my pillow to special bed in the living room and said "J, I might stay out here with you for a little bit while I fall asleep if that's okay." and he simply said "I'm glad.", and we both fell asleep to the hockey game (Go Hawks!!!!) and I wasn't sad or scared at all.

That did it. My Jason. My lake, my screen door, my special bed with lots of pillows, my purring old cat next to me. Not only do I have what I need, but I have what I really want and what I've always wanted. Edges softened by reality? That's a new one.

What a joy to keep learning and pushing through. Not just with cancer because, let's face it, I'm doing super awesomely fantastic at that, but the everything else that goes on with or without you. It can emotionally cripple you for life or it can slap you square in the face then buy you the best noodle dinner money can buy, if you let it. The journey keeps talking and talking and sometimes what it says makes my blood run cold, but I'm finding if you stick it out and face it all, little by little you are rewarded with some peace. I don't know how or why that makes sense to me, but it does and I'm glad.