Chemo? I hardly know her!!!!!

Well finally got word and before my radiation and hormone therapy there will be chemo....(not to be confused with the super boring movie about drinking milkshakes and what not).

I was pretty shaken up yesterday but am coming to terms with it. I keep thinking of those who welcome chemo because it is their only small chance at extending their lives or getting a tiny bit better. I am having it to help lower my odds of EVER having to deal with this b.s. again as I get older. I mean I'm not looking forward to it (understatement of the CENTURY) but I know it's the right thing to do.

I've decided to participate in a clinical study for my treatments so that feels good. Hopefully it will bring more healing to breast cancer patients in the decades to come. Plus....SCIENCE!!!! You know how I love the science.

I am scared of being sick. I am scared of losing my hair. I am terrified and a little angry that I won't be able to have children in the normal "hey I got preggers!" way. I am scared of missing work too much. So that's what.....4 things? I can handle that. I'm WAY more scared of being 45 and having someone say "it's back...and worse".

We meet with the fertility doc on Friday to find out how to get this whole zygote freezing thing done asap. Like in the next couple of weeks, asap. Let's hope that all goes well.

I'm tired and lazy and want to sleep a lot but that's normal I think. I'm trying to just power through that and get to the "let's kick it in the butt" phase, which I think is right around the corner.

I have this imagery I've been using when I really feel down. I think of all the love that I have around me....family, friends...new and old and I picture that love kind of creating a bubble around me and just lifting me through all this. It really really helps because it's almost totally real. That's how everyone has been. There for me without question. So many people. So much love for my bubble ride.

Something funny: Jason. He is just so funny. There are at least 5 things just in the past few days I could post as hilarious Jason moments but my two most recent faves are his "tiny burp" while we were playing cards last night. I don't know why but it didn't sound like his normal burps and was so small and gross. We couldn't stop laughing. It felt like when I sat at the funny boys table at lunch in junior high. Where I just couldn't stop laughing. That and on the ride back from the bad news dr. appt yesterday I was dead silent and really stunned and out of nowhere he went "BLAH!" and grabbed my knee like you do when you are trying to scare the hiccups out of someone. It was so random and such a funny way for him to get to me. I don't know...it was just sweet for some reason. Like he was saying "HEY! BOO! This will be okay! I'm still right here annoying you and always will be!".