Friday, December 18, 2009

No frozen Prah's after all.

Sadly after talking the fertility doctor today we all decided that freezing some embryos pre chemo is just too risky. The problem is that since my cancer is hormone receptor positive it basically eats estrogen. So to put off chemo for a month to pump me full of estrogen and other hormones to do an egg harvest puts me at risk for the cancer to attach to my organs or brain. It's not a HUGE chance but it's a chance and it happens. She (our fertility doctor) lost a patient a few years ago who was 25 and took the risk.

A part of me wants to say F it. Let's do it and hope for the best. But another very important part of me, Jason, says no. And I agree really. He said that if we did this and something happened to me he could never live with himself. So that's that.

Now all we can really do is just hope against hope that somehow my ovaries make it through these treatments. If they don't there are always donor eggs or even donor embryos or adoption.

I think we are both just really worn down today. Everything feels so hard and nebulous. I mean there is sooooo many good things...no cancer in my nodes, none in the other breast, etc. but today I still just feel like we are due a lottery win or something.

As we were riding back today we were both pretty weepy and quiet. We passed this horrible, divey chicken restaurant and convenience store and out of the blue Jason says, "You want some fried chicken and a pack of Newports?" and I instantly replied "Kind of!". You kind of had to be there but we laughed our asses off.

My friend Eva and I were instant messaging and I was crying at my desk, which i HATE to do, and she sent me this and said "watch this right now!"



She was totally right. It was hard not to feel a little more bad ass after watching. hahahahaha

4 comments:

Erica said...

My darling Crescent.
I love you.
And Jason.

Heather said...

I love you both to death Cres. I'm here for anything you can possibly need. XOXOXOXOXOXOX

Dennis said...

I really believe there is a master plan. We don't see it when we are up close, but it is there none the less.

Our kids put on a program at church that sort of explains it.

There were three trees. One wanted to be made into a treasure box, but alas he was made into a manger. The next wanted to be a great ship, but was made into a simple fishing boat. He was frightened in a storm, but was all right when the sea was calmed. The last wanted to stay in the forest and grow so big it could reach heaven, but it was cut down and made into a cross.

In the end they all had greater missions in life, and so will you.

Crescent said...

Man I just saw these wonderful comments. Thank you Dennis. That put into words so much of what I'm hopeful for. I'm trying very hard to just trust and be thankful. It isn't easy some days but with the kind of love we are surrounded with we will come out with a goldmine of lessons and gifts.