shell shocked.

Man. That was not fun at ALL! It took me until about 11:00 today to even come close to feeling like myself and I'm still not there. I wasn't expecting such an intense time.

I could recap day by day but we don't need to take a day trip to Snooze County. It was just a really bad few days. I've had TWO bad days before but not 5 in a row. Low grade up and down fever from about Wednesday night until Saturday late. Had another one of those 4:00 am "is this what dying feels like?" moments on Friday. That is a terribly selfish thing to say because I am CERTAIN my fever and aches are no comparison to the pain and fear millions of people go through daily, but when you are on meds, scared, tired and sick it's hard not to think a little on the dark side. (Just had a lovely vision of Hixx singing On the Dark Side at karaoke years ago...that made me smile).

Jason was very nervous every time I would sit up in bed and groan and then take my temp. I've come to learn that he really fears and hates fevers. I know he was gearing up for an ER trip every time that stupid thermom was in my mouth. The thing is they say don't come in if fever is under 100 but the minute it hits 101 get your butt into the ER so it's these crazy Vegas style odds but not as fun and glittery and CERTAINLY no roller coasters or pools in wacky shapes. So that thermometer became my enemy and best friend all at once. I still can hear its stupid beeping in my head. It's like NAM!!!!!! hahaha it's not like Nam.

I would lay on the futon (special sick time bed) and email my dad from my phone with almost hourly updates. Not telling him or Jason how bad I was feeling would have saved them both some stress but it felt dangerous to lie or play it down.

So then on Saturday the fever started to go down a smidge and then the bone pain started in every inch of my body and I lost it. Matt and Anne and Elizabeth were on their way over to check on us and say hi and about 2 minutes before they got there I lost my mind and started bawling on Jason. Like a crazy person. All of a sudden HAD to have my wig on even though everyone has seen me without it. And I just cried and cried and RIGHT then the doorbell rang so I ran into the bathroom to try and get it together. I was trying to put on make up but couldn't because my eyes were just squirting water. And they truly looked crazy to me. I'm sure that was the meds but I wanted to get that down on blog paper because it was such an odd moment with myself, alone. My friend Megan had a nightmare once that she was crying so hard that her pupils broke and started leaking black down her face. Of course that didn't happen but it looked like it was about to. Plus I've gained so much face weight from the steroids and non-activity and blech...it was just not me for five terrifying seconds.

I put on my wig and some lipstick and just kind of gave up. Jason and Matt gave Anne and me some time to talk. And in usual Anne form she knew what to do and say. I spilt some beans, like the fact that I have two treatments left gives me zero comfort after this last treatment. I know it's great and almost done but in my head and heart I feel like "What???? I HAVE TWO TREATMENTS LEFT STILL?????". But that will ease and pass I think. Like I said, just a little shaken but not broken or anything.

It will all get done, and in my calmer moments I feel that peace and believe it.

Saturday....not so much.

Everyone did just what their sweet hearts always do....patted my back, held my hand, hugged me, cooked for me, reminded me to take my meds and rest and not push it....so once again I was very much "love bubbled". Thank God. I kept thinking of that woman I met in chemo with stage four bone cancer talking about how she takes a PACE bus to and from her treatments. Who pats her back? Who makes her chicken on the grill? Breaks my heart a million times to think the answer is no one. Hopefully I'm just being dramatic and it's not the answer for her.

SO there you go. DRAMA!!!!!!! But I had to get it all out. Good with the bad and so forth.

I've been thinking a lot of old movies that are terrible but that I love and I keep wanting to find a DVD version of Don't Tell Her It's Me (also released under the name Boyfriend School) starring the Gute and Buffy from Square Pegs. It's about a guy who gets cancer and has chemo and then gets all hot and tan and buff afterwards and pretends to be from New Zealand and learns to ride a motorcycle (roadercycle as Jason now calls them). It makes me feel better to think maybe I can do the same. Not the motorcycle part but that I can get better again like Steve Guttenburg. And I might be able to fake a New Zealand accent for a bit. Who knows. Just have to get there.