*this was hard to write and will be harder to read for some more than others. Be careful sweet friends who know who they are*
There was a young guy, Jason's age at most, in the radiation ward/clinic/area that just about did me in today. I couldn't look at his face but I know he was tall and ill and bone thin and terrified. I didn't really look at him because it felt....I don't know....just not for me to see. But I'm telling you hand to God...I could feel his fear. It was holding him hostage. The way the nurses (he had to have two to help him walk) were speaking to him had that tone...trying to sooth him....ugh....I can hardly write about this. Taking break. Please hold. (Girl From Impenema - Musak Version 5).
Okay. Had a stick of gum and put on some lipstick like my Mama always taught me when in need of getting ones self together.
So it was awful. And palpatable. And just heartbreaking. He was in my world for no more than 20 seconds but I feel like I will never get him out of my head.
He just felt like he was a sad and skinny and afraid representation of all that stupid cancer is. It made me so mad and confused. And so selfishly happy for my life and my hopeful outcome. It was a truly consuming moment and I hate talking and thinking about it but I need to get it down.
Man. Dang it. Please know your call is important to us. We will be back with you shortly. (Classical Gas - Musak Version 1).
Pheww...so let's get to the titular brighter side of this story, shall we?
On my cab ride home I put my phone away and rolled down the window and took in as much air as my lungs could handle without combusting and I realized what I want and feel like I have to do with my life. I need to find a way to take even the smallest pinch of that fear away from people going through this. I'm not sure exactly how that will be yet but I can tell it's going to come to me soon. Because the fear is what I can't get over. Seeing it in others much sicker than I am....feeling it in my own heart....hearing it in every word my family says to me...it's terrible. It's a cancer unto itself. I am not as scared anymore but it will always be there now. Like my boob scar. The only way to reconcile my anger at that fact is to find a way to ease some of that fear in someone else. Maybe that's sign one of a God complex and I'm actually not having an epiphany but rather about to snap my noodle and run for Mayor of Looney Toon County. Either way.
Since day one of this little adventure I knew a message was waiting for me on the other side. An answer. I've trusted in that this whole time and I can feel it happening.
Ohhh I sound so dramatic and I hate that. But crap...it has been dramatic. Dramatically good and dramatically hard and dramatically terrifying and I will never be the same. Nor should I be.
Anyway, I love you all and something weird is going on at work (just construction guys...not like WEIRD weird). I better go.
Kittens.
3 comments:
There is no doubt in my mind that your truthfulness and your sense of humor are there for other people. We are the recipients! DO IT!
You are an amazing inspiration. Others have (and will) let that fear literally kill them. You have turned it into a mission to help others.
Thank you.
(((Crescent))) Not sure why it has taken me so long to realize you have a blog here,,,but I just found it,,, and I read this entry and am incredibly moved and just have to tell you that you have made a huge difference for me,,,Man, I can't even begin to know what you are going through,,,I do know the experience I had with my Dad and cancer and it was so scary and hard and painful and yet incredibly important in a positive way,,,because it brought us closer,, closer to what really matters,,,I finally was able to experience my Dad's true and beautiful heart. In my experience as a nurse, people who are in the fight against cancer are special,, and you are #1, Crescent. I can't believe it took me so long to find your journal online; I'm so moved and feel so honored to read your words here,,,
Love and light to you always, my friend.
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