Baby Birds and Opening Ceremonies.

So there it is. My totally bald head. I'm not posting the pic to shock or get sympathy. I'm posting it because when I was still with hair I looked online for every pic I could find of a woman in my situation. It made me feel strong about it and continues to give me the right attitude. So many women and men in the same boat all over the world. Nothing to feel lonely about. Nothing to feel ugly about. I could cry about it daily but why? It's my head. Nothing to be ashamed of. It has a few fuzzies on it which is why, when I took off my wig yesterday in front of Jason and almost started crying he swept in and started kissing my head and saying "You are my little baby bird!!! CRESCENT! LOOK how cute you are! You are my baby bird!" (it should be noted that Jason LOVES baby birds on AFV. Loves them.) over and over until I was laughing so hard I forgot that I was upset. That is the best kind of laughing. I just did again reading an email from Matty (hi Matt). Laughing is the KEY to survival and feels fantastic when you are hurting. That is so cliche' and would annoy me if someone else said it, but it's just true, so there.

My dad was telling me about this Wanda Sykes routine on the phone yesterday and I was laughing so hard that I felt like he might be able to be her stand in next time she tours. It felt so good to ha ha ha that truly and deeply.

The weekend was great but hard. Friday night at the last minute we decided to just dose me up with meds and walk to a nice dinner spot by us (Chalkboard....we've been before but it was better than ever....go there). We had a really really fun time. Jason was in rare form and just super fun conversation and we really did it up with food. He kept saying things like pate'and short ribs were good for me because of the iron. I didn't argue. AND I had tuna steak for the first time and loved it!

Anyway, we got home and it was almost like the universe just GAVE us that dinner time to enjoy because almost the second we walked in the pain started. In my knees and teeth and hands and skull and feet and hips and everywhere. Just waves of aches and seers and pain. I took more meds and J put on the Opening Ceremonies. I was passed out in about 5 minutes then woke up to a surreal feeling of twilight and pain everywhere and Joni Mitchell making me cry. It was nuts. I was sure something was really wrong with me. Well more wrong than chemo for breast cancer. hahahahahhahahah...ahem....*awkward cough*....ha?

Anyway, that Joni Mitchell song got into my dreams and head in a major way. I sort of woke up and kind of sleep facebooked about it. I thought my mom was singing it to me at one point then when I realized she wasn't I felt total despair. It was just awful. It was the meds (Vicodin is a hellofa drug) and the pain but it made me feel totally terrified. I'm telling all this because, as I told my sister Jacy, if I don't share the few really dark times then people may not trust me when I say I'm okay, which I mostly am. Plus Jacy said it was a good idea to get all this down. I agree.

Friday night got worse as I tried to sleep. The joint pain is unlike anything I've ever had. And I'm not a big headache person so I was sure my skull was exploding. And the night sweats. Those are fun. And when I was out I dreamt of earthquakes and saying good-bye to family and knowing the end of the world was minutes away....uplifting stuff like that. I kept waking Jason up by accident by either making that air sucking in sound with a surge of pain or by having a crazy night terror where I would holler myself awake. He just kept saying over and over "what can I do? Is there anything I can do?" and short of make the sun come up there really wasn't anything. But I'm glad he was there. I finally just got up at 5 and watched movies and took more meds and by sun up the pain started to ease a bit.

We went to breakfast at the next door diner and then made a jaunt to CVS for "fun beverages". Not booze. Sodas and juices and Gatorades. Jason and I are big lovers of special drinks like that. The nurses all say that you need to get a walk in every day even when you feel your worst and it really did help. The bright sunshine, the fresh air and Jason making me laugh did wonders. So Saturday I was exhausted but better. Jason would put in a movie and I would instantly feel myself drifting off so I think he watched a lot of movies while I slept. But again....just having him there was exactly what I needed.

Yesterday I was tired but much better. We made plans to get lunch at Gannon's as usual. For some reason I didn't cry all weekend until yesterday a.m. And it was for no reason. It just started as I was talking to Jason and then I got a nose bleed and then I just kept crying for a few minutes. I think it was an emotional release from the weird Friday night. Not to mention I'm sure my poor hormones are trying to figure this all out too.

Jason and I had a great Valentine's Day. Maybe the best ever because we have each other. We played Guitar Hero before bed and I wore my Stevie Ray Vaughn head scarf. He beat me but not by much. (at Guitar Hero...he's holding off on my regular beatings since I have cancer right now. I'm sure they'll start back up in May.)

My other favorite V day story with Jason was when we were in college. I call it our Gift of the Magi Valentine's day although I think that's the wrong story. Anyway, I surprised him with a giant dinner at The Hot Fish Shop (don't laugh...that place ruled) and then when we got back to my apartment he had surprised me with a giant cheese and sausage tray (even then he knew the way to my heart) and a classical piano tape (yes...tape). I ate the cheese and sausage even after the giant dinner because I didn't want his feelings to be hurt and we both totally crashed feet to feet on the sofa to the relaxing tunes of the classical piano and woke up the next day in the same position. Jason and Crescent have been romancin it up since the early 90s, yo.

Happy Valentine's Day to all and to all a good night and God bless us, everyone and plant a tree!

PS - this is the version of Both Sides Now I THOUGHT I was hearing in my old room on Green Avenue. My mom used to play this Judy Collins record and sing along. I was sure it was my mom and Judy at one point. Lost style time travel maybe? That would be a very cool super power to come out of all of this.