my fortune

I just had a conversation via gchat with one of my oldest and dearest friends. I asked her for a favor...something that would be a help to my family. It wasn't that she said yes that moved me it was how she said yes. Not only was there no hesitation in her reply but there was a joy to it that reduced me to tears. This has happened so much this year. I don't even know where to put it. That feeling of being sad and worried and helpless then having these people...these friends that just say "here you go" and then "what else would help?"

Not to get all George Baily on everyone, but man...it makes me feel so rich and full.

I'm going to find a way to make millions and when I do I'm taking all of you to a warm and pretty place for a month.

The Blessing (if you are in my family don't read this post yet)

Every time I say those words I picture the old man in Christmas Vacation pointing to his mouth and saying "THE BLESSS-ING!" to his old deaf wife. Adorable. Anywhat, I volunteered to do the blessing at Thanksgiving dinner this year. I feel like my dad needs a break...in general. Just from having to do emotional things. Taking care of his daughter last year....taking care of his wife during chemo now....being there for his brother as his brother takes care of his wife who is about to face chemo and just had major surgery. As I say....poor everyone. Really. Everyone needs a hug and some turkey and peace and quiet and a fire in the fireplace.

So since I'm feeling pretty strong and deep these days I decided to take a crack at the reading. God means different things to everyone and to me. Interpret however you see fit but I think the message is right no matter what you believe.

Here is what I will say:

After a difficult year I feel like we all have our dukes up…feeling vulnerable and untrusting…waiting for the next punch from around a corner. But maybe instead we should try, as I think we already do, to look back with thanks and grace…then do our best to look forward with the same.



Blessings continue to abound during darker times……roofs over heads, food in bellies, limbs all attached (so far…the day is young and the turkey not yet carved so everyone BE CAREFUL!)…and most importantly the love that we all share. It breathes with us at every turn and has provided the extra layer of warmth we’ve needed to trudge through some pretty chilly paths.



I found three quotes that spoke to me as one fluid prayer. A.W. Tozer, Henry Ward Beecher and Rebecca Harding Davis might not like me mixing their words into one pot, but too bad. They can take it up with my lawyer once they learn how to communicate from BEYOND THE GRAVE!!!

Let us pray.


“Perhaps it takes a purer faith to praise God for unrealized blessings than for those we once enjoyed or those we enjoy now.”



“Remember God's bounty in the year. String the pearls of His favor. Hide the dark parts, except so far as they are breaking out in light! Give this one day to thanks, to joy, to gratitude!”



“For, after all, put it as we may to ourselves, we are all of us from birth to death guests at a table which we did not spread. The sun, the earth, love, friends, our very breath are parts of the banquet.... Shall we think of the day as a chance to come nearer to our Host, and to find out something of Him who has fed us so long?”



Thank you God, for the blessings of yesterday, tomorrow and today.

Crystal Gale

A Serious Post: A Year After Surgery

And this is what I look like.

All jokes aside...here is a real update of my hair

Another milestone

Tomorrow is one year since my surgery. Crappily enough, my aunt is having her surgery today. She will have to have a bi-lateral mastectomy though, which breaks my heart, but will hopefully be a life saver for her. Obviously, I have her on the brain and in the heart pretty much every second today. I just hope it's not too horrible and that the spread is minimal or non-existent.

It reminded me of my happiest moment of the past year.

The day of my lumpectomy I was terrified. Worried it would be in my lymph nodes, worried I would have some weird reaction to the meds...just worried. I woke up feeling more nauseated than I have ever felt in my life but incredibly relieved it was over. The FIRST thing they said to me was "no spread to the nodes...blah blah something something...clear margins." I started bawling and laughing and then announced that I was naked in a very loud voice. They assured me I wasn't naked but I assured THEM I think I would know my own nakedness. I wasn't naked.

Anyway, after I came to a little more they had me sit up in a little room and brought me the best soda (special drink) of my LIFE. It was a giant Tupperware full of crushed ice and Sprite with a straw. I wish I could create for you how good it was after the surgery....it was like....relief in bubbly, cold, refreshing form. Form makes it sound gross but you know what I mean.

So then they said I could have one visitor come back and sit with me. I said "Jason...my husband". He walked in through the curtain about 3 minutes later...white faced (Jason loses all pigment under duress), shaky but smiling from ear to ear. To enter that area you had to wear a lab coat???? Don't ask me why. But in his rush he chose the smallest most 1970's looking lab coat I've ever seen. Plus he tried to button it for some reason which just added to the hilarity. It instantly got us both giggling and we just sat there laughing and taking pictures of him with clipboards making doctor faces in this tiny little recovery space. It was the laughter of two very nervous and flipped out people with a long road ahead of them, but laughter none the less.

I realized today that I use that memory as a "happy moment" when I'm down. I don't really have any resolution for that story except that maybe that was the moment that secured me and J as a family. From that moment on I knew I could count on him to show up with or without a ridiculous lab coat on for the rest of our lives. Plus there was this look on his face that I'm sure he'd felt before but I had never seen or understood. Just nothing but love for me in his eyes. What a gift.

I know my uncle Deacon will be there today for Terri with the patent pending Allen family sense of humor even when things are pretty effing BLEAK and the tenderness and love she'll need.

I wish I had a funny something today...I'm drawing a blank. If I could only find the pic of J in that labcoat!!!! I've looked everywhere and can't find it. Frowntown. Oh well it's burned on my brain (hi steph).

Ok seriously...a REAL updated picture of my hair

An Updated Picture of My Hair

Come on.

Just got word that my aunt has breast cancer. If it weren't so God awful and unfair it would be a laugh riot. But it's not. It's the opposite of a laugh riot. A Crying Sit-In? Whatever. Not. Fair.

Walked.

Well I actually did a Breast Cancer walk even though I swore I never would. I always thought they were an odd and kind of dumb way to raise money but I was wrong. We raised almost $3500.00. That's a few mammograms!

The walk, itself, was so cathartic for me and just such a great way to spend a morning. There were people there in the throws of cancer...bald heads...canes...sick...but walking. It lifted every cell in my body. Plus being with this group of people that were on my team was just amazing. I would walk quietly for a bit then turn to my left or right and a friend would be walking by my side. We'd talk and the group would mix up and someone would rub my back and it would be Erica or Megan or Gena....then a few mins later an arm would go around my shoulder and it would be Heather or Anne or Morgan. It just meant so much to me. Not just the walk...this whole year has been like that. Every time I turn around one of you are there. I hope my mom has that. I know it was what got me through this year with my spirit, not just in tact, but renewed in way I never knew exisited.

I talked to my mom on the walk and she's having a pretty hard time. Her infection keeps coming back and that on top of chemo is just the worst. I can't wait for her to be on the other side. I keep promising her this side is really great and that it will get better. In the meantime.....ugh. It kills me to know she's so miserable.

Something funny...I thought the walk was 2.2 miles. I SWEAR I saw that specific number on the info I received but it was a 5 mile walk. It was really easy and fun but I find it hilarious that when I found out it was FIVE whole miles I almost had a panic attack. It's good to know I can handle walking that far without passing out. I'm probably ready for a marathon now. Those are easy, right?

A year ago today.....

I started a rubber band ball.


And found out I had cancer.

Here was most post from a year ago:
Oh Tom Petty...
you were so right. The waiting is the hardest part....so far. Let's pray it remains the hardest. I have never felt so anxious 24/7 in my life. It sucks. Not as much as cancer would suck of course but I'm hoping for good news.

Here was the next post:
welp....
....it's cancer. BUT it's only stage 2 which is way better than stage three. I meet with the surgeon tomorrow to see what's next. I'm doing okay actually. Three things that have been lovely since I found out.

1. Jason.
2. My oldest sister telling me that my she and my middle sister "are sisters again" thanks to this. That made my birthday. They are always great but have had some hard times and found each other again through this. I think I might have cried harder over that than anything because it made me so happy.
3. The realization that I have more love in my heart and in my life than I ever imagined. That will get me through.

I'm ready to fight. Up for it all. Feeling lucky and amazed that I'm, literally, facing my biggest fear and it's really not that bad. I'm scared but ready. Sad but joyful. Certainly the furthest from alone I've ever been. Let's get it done.

Love to all,
C

I don't really know what to say today. I feel quiet for the first time since Carter was in office. I feel different and fortunate and relieved. I feel scared down to my bones about life. I feel ready for the change that is coming. I feel good.

from today:

Oh...hello

I like it when events make a point of saying "Rain or shine!" on their websites or flyers. That's the spirit, event havers! I don't know why but it always makes me feel better about things. RAIN OR SHINE we are DOING this! Got it? It's just so...plucky and optomistic.

My mom and dad shaved their heads last night. (if not for the crappy circumstances that very well might have been the funniest sentence I've ever typed) She found her first bald spot and decided it was time. My dad did his own first in a lovely fit of unity. They sent me a picture and it gave me the shakes at first but only because I know how hard it is and I can hardly BARE the thought of her feeling scared and sad. BUT that is precisely how you are supposed to feel about your Momma so it's okay. I stared at the picture this morning and I realized for the 87,578th time in my life how beautiful my mom is. All face is a powerful thing...eyes and smile...it's just so exposed. Ack...makes me cry to type about. I just love her so much. And Dad. Jeeze louise. Or Jeeze louis as I used to think it was spelled.

okay....getting back on top of it......annnnnd...we're back.

I had drinks with some really outstanding humans last night. You know who you are. All of you gave me the inspiration shivers. Made me want to just kidnap all of you and hide you in the basement to remind me how great my friends are on a daily basis. What??? Why is that creepy??? I was going to provide a deluxe air mattresses and food. Jeeze louis....paranoid much?

Tonight is stay home date night. I'm very excited. Thai food and movies that give me the night terrors....ahhh...I can't wait.

OH and Jason will be there of course....but I have to admit I keep singing Tonight I celebrate my love for you.....but Jason's face fades away and I realize I'm singing to the giant plate of spicey basil noodles that I'm going to make my bride around sundown.

Enjoy my SECOND favorite Peabo B. smooth jam. Feel free to read along with the lyrics provided. You just might learn something about second chances and arms.

OH!

I know what it was. It was that I went to LUSH at Macy's yesterday to get a new shampoo bar and had an attack of my old "I feel out of place in a fancy store" itis.

The 94 lb woman came over and said "can I help you?" as they tend to do and I said "oh not really...I just need a shampoo bar" (proceed to pick up display bar and knock about 20 over onto the floor)

Then when I went to pay I followed her behind the register for some reason. When I realized where I was I said "Ooop! sorry." not "oops" like a semi-normal person, but "oop."

see? Profound.

But PS? the yellow shampoo bar at Lush RULES. It was worth the bumbling.

A Couple Fat Ankle Steps in the Right Direction

My ankles are swoll to the EN, man. It's from my blood pressure meds but it's nuts. They look like balloons.

Anyway, I am finally going to talk to someone just to get some profesh listening. I just feel a little extra anxious and want to work on that. So good work, me.

I also purchased a work out t. That outta do it! 130 lbs here I come! hahahah just kidding.

My mom is hanging in there. First two days post her first chemo and she's not feeling fantastic, obvs, but not too bad. I hope it stays that way. I'm sending her my fanciest wig tomorrow.

I really really wish I could just do all this for her. I know how it works and stuff and know there's a light at the end. BUT this is what's happening and I have to deal with that. She is tough and my dad is amazing and my sisters rule. It will all be okay. I mean it won't be because I've learned that nothing is ever ALWAYS okay. Life is going to be bad a lot and good a lot. I'm trying to just embrace the chaos and hope it makes sense someday. I feel like it will.

In other news, I'm going to church with my sister on Sunday. If you hear on the news that someone burst into flames upon entering a Wisconsin UCC Church.....well....you can have my carnival mirror collection if that happens.

I had a lot to say last night in my head and have forgotten most of it. I'm sure it was exceptionally profound and important. Probably more about my ankles.

Love,
C

Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh.............

that's how i'm feeling. i don't even want to capitilize today. mom had her first treatment. they have to do 16 now instead of 6 because they found more spread to her nodes. three instead of one.

our good friend's dog is sick and another good friend has a sick cat. both have a few weeks left. that makes me saaaaaaad.

i found some gum i really like. that's good.

*shoulder shrug*

love,
c

Team Janet

Well it's finally come to this. I'm walking in a friggin Breast Cancer Walk on October 17th. However, I will NOT wear a pink hat or boa no matter how much pressure is put on me. I'll pink it up, don't worry, but no ball caps or boas. It's just too....something....I don't know. I refuse. Like Kramer with the AIDS ribbon.

Anyway, here is the info if you want to walk with us or donate.


http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/MakingStridesAgainstBreastCancer/MSABCFY11Illinois?team_id=769251&pg=team&fr_id=28099

Looks like this blog will have to stay pink a little longer....

So the stupid cancer spread to her lymph nodes. We are waiting to see how many they spread to. So far only one sentinal node for sure. This probably means chemo for my mom. Dammit. I have been really angry the past few days but after kicking a box across my kitchen and eating a really outlandishly large plate of Marge Noodles (TM) I woke up feeling better. Ready to fight for and with her.

I will only say this once then I'm putting it in the shredder. This really is kind of unfair.

Done. Now onto the next battle. She is done with surgery already which is a HUGE plus. She is sore but able to get around. She will have to postpone her knee replacment until all this is over but she is still going to get that done. Right now it's all about kicking the cancer in the BH and being done with it.

Good things:

I've never felt closer to her. Or to my family in general. As my sister Kendra says "but shit....we were ALREADY close it's not like we needed to be taught a lesson!". True Kendra...true BUT now we are this crazy primal close like a pack of wolves. I feel like we are all in our roles and ready to face the bad parts of life together. There is some real comfort in being on a team like that.

Jason. Again. He's gotten so good and knowing how to help me feel my feelings and making me feel better all at once. Sometimes just by being quiet and patting my head.

My friends. Again. Just non stop support. I feel embarassed being in need again. I know I can't help it...I mean it's my mom...but jeeze. I can't wait to not be the one crying every two minutes. Not that I am crying every two minutes all the time...but sometimes.

Anyway, that's the current state of the union. Breast cancer can really go take a flying leap off a short cliff or whatever that expression is...plank? Whatever. I hate it.

but I love you!
Crescent

Surgery Day For Mom

Please just let it all be good news and easy on her. Please please please. Please let her be able to go to her 50th high school reunion in a week and dance.

I took this pic in the garden when I was home this past weekend. It's on my phone, my computer and in my mind at all times. The five of us...start to finish and everything in between. Go Allens. We can do it!

Stop Me If You've Heard This One...

....so my mom has breast cancer. Sounds like a sick joke right? nope. It's really happening. She called me on Saturday to say that's probably the case. Then found out Monday it's for sure the case. My family is kind of reeling from it all. It just doesn't seem like this could be possible.

BUT let's save the drama for my mama. Here is the GREAT news. The tumor is small. Really small. To give you some idea my tumor was considered medium at two centimeters and hers is like 1.5 millimeters...I think...those are tiny right? Math. Who needs it?! Anyway, you get the idea.

So she has all the tests still. MRI, further pathology, blood work, scans and all that, but the doc thinks she will be able to avoid chemo. God I hope so. I don't want her to have that at ALL. Sounds like she won't so here's to yearly mammos, right??? Jeez. TRY and tell me they are pointless. Just try.

Anyway, I'm tired. Kind of worn out. But fine.

My treatments have been kind of put on hold because my blood pressure is too high. They think that's from stress and the Avastin. If it's too high again in three weeks I'm pulled from the clinical trial. I really hope that doesn't happen. Of course I will deal with it but I've come so far and to just have to throw out my study results from all this will make me sad. I want to feel like I'm helping or something.

Dr. C doubled my blood pressure meds so that is taking a little getting used to. I get kind of dizzy and sleepy but hey...what else is new. I'm losing weight every week so that will help too. I'm going to try some meditation CDs my friend recommended. All that HAS to work in the next three weeks right? Right.

Let's end on a high note.

I haven't been sleeping very well at all. So at like 9pm I'm exhausted and crash (but then wake up at 3 and can't get back to sleep...you know how that goes). Anyway, I crashed out on the sofa on Monday while watching Beavis and Butthead Do America for the 89th time. Jason was working a shift at the wine bar and he got home pretty late. I don't remember this at all, but I guess he kept saying "Crescent, you want to come to bed" trying to get me from the sofa to the bed so I'd sleep better. You know, being the great guy he always is. I rewarded him by sitting up and yelling "DON'T ASK ME THAT AGAIN!" and shook my finger and everything. I did it in my sleep but that doesn't make it right.

He left me out on the sofa, naturally.

Happy Birthday.

It's Jason's birthday. And my boss's. And a co-worker's. And Obama's. But Jason is the most important to me, supes obvs. (working on my Effron speak..kids abbrev ev thing apparant....coo th t do)

What would I do without him? I don't even care to wonder. I love him to the point of excess and still giggle like a 14 year old when he texts me a lot in a day. Hmmmm....re-reading that I feel like maybe Jason should be a little afraid of me. hahahahah nah. I'm harmless.

We have a sort of on going joke about murdering each other and what not...life insurance is usually the punch line but sometimes it's just good old fashioned killin. I know it's a dark joke but we've earned the right to joke however we please.

In fact we've been doing the off color jokes about our love for years.

Our private wedding toast to each other at our reception was "F*&$ you buddy." TINK! (that was the glass that made that sound just now...in my memory...sighhhh).

so in the spirit of our twisted but true love here was my birthday email to him today:

Dear Jason,

Your facebook page is warming my heart today. Everyone loves you so much!!!!! Except me. I loathe you and wait for the day when I can give you the ol "Chief" treatment in the night. Then I'll throw our fridge through the back window and lumber off to music played on a saw.

His reply:

Nice.

I also included this picture, which I think adds some extra ominous tones to the whole experience: