My Weekend Was In and Out of the Toliet...Much Like My Ipod

• Friday night = fun, chill night at Fred's eating pizza rolls and drinking wine
• Later Friday night = me getting up in the night to pee and forgetting my ipod was still on my person. As I lifted the lid on the toilet my ipod and headphones splashed into the toilet. I have no idea how they stayed on my body and in my ears (respectively) until that PRECISE moment though. My only guess is that somehow the ipod adhered to my chest or something.....that is a gross guess but the best I can do.
• Saturday morning = making sure my ipod still works. It does. Then relaxing.
• Saturday afternoon = get a call that my dad has been in a really bad car accident but is relatively okay. I had a minor panic attack and then bawled. He was in the ER for 5 hours and luckily, besides being very cut up and bruised he was given a clean bill of health. Thank GOD! So scary. If he'd been hit on the drivers side it would have been my worst nightmare. Literally. I talked to him yesterday and besides being shaken up and without a car he is okay. I shook like a leaf the entire conversation for some reason. Then cried again when I hung up.
• Saturday night = waited for the "everything is okay call" from home once my dad was out of the ER. Went to a dance recital and spent the whole time wondering who the hell I am and what I'm doing with my life. Not in a depressed way, just really starting to wonder and panic a little.
• Saturday night after the recital = Have a lovely walk to Eno (wine bar Jason used to manage) with Jason and our friend from NYC and his boyfriend. It was cool and Michigan Ave was hopping the conversation was light and tasty. It really helped clear my head a little. GET to Eno and there is an ambulance. They are taking someone out of Eno and it's a girl that works there that Jason is friends with. She is okay but seeing her crying in pain being carried out as we came in was upsetting to say the least. Once we all calmed down we had a really nice time and ate some fantastic cheese.
• Saturday night after Eno = Our friend's Mom and her friends walked home (they are from here obvs) and Jason and I drove the same friend's 90 year old grandma home. She doesn't speak a lick of English but she was the highlight of my weekend. She's 90 and out with her son and his boyfriend having some wine and cheese and laughing and talking up a storm. She fell in love with Jason because apparently he looks just like her nephew, Max. I helped her out of the car when we dropped her off and she gave me a kiss on the cheek and hug in true Grandma style. I think I really needed it and maybe somehow she knew that or something. Or maybe she is just kissy, which is great too.
• Sunday = Spent the morning with Jason relaxing. Jason leaves for a lunch I just wasn't up for. I walk to Fred's. Jason meets us there later. We watch tons of Flight of the Conchords. Get ready to leave. Plan to grab dinner on our way home. Realize we are too broke. Fred insists on us staying and we pull together a last minute grill out just the three of us. It reminded me so much of our college days. I needed that too. So thanks to Fred for feeding us at the last minute.
• Pessimistic Conclusion = I'm feeling really lost these days and not saying it much because feeling that way seems like a waste of energy. I'm trying to put it all together and form a solution but keep getting stuck in my head. Do I want to perform? I think I miss it but not sure. Do I want to be a writer? Yes but I have so many doubts about my skills that it's holding me back. I'm holding myself back. With laziness and doubt. That is very lame of me and I feel like I'm running out of time. I want to do something that matters and that pays more and that makes me feel useful and happy but I also want money. I do. I'm not ashamed of it. I'm so sick of just getting by. I want new furniture and rugs and fluffy bedding so that if I still can't sleep at least I'll be comfortable.
• Positive Polly Conclusion = My marriage is better than ever. My friends are so much fun and so sweet. My Dad is going to be okay. My Mom's new medicine is starting to take some of her pain away. I'm going on a fun trip up North with Jason this weekend to see his family in a beautiful part of the state. I have a job when I almost didn't. It sucks but I have one. Many many many people are going through such harder times and to wallow in some minor life confusion is actually pretty selfish of me and not my style.
• Realistic Conclusion = I can't change how I'm feeling. I can change my path and need to trust myself enough to do that. Like now-ish.