Wednesday, October 21, 2009

High Anxiety

I'm feeling a little nerved out this week but that's normal, I'm sure. My blood work showed some slightly elevated calcium levels so I have to have a bone scan and a ct scan and a chest x-ray and more blood work on Monday. The surgeon said it's just to be super careful and make sure we don't miss anything like other tumors in the body. I was so hoping to be done with the tests so I could just get to the surgery but that's not what this adventure has in store, I guess. AND she's right. If there is more out there let's find it and get it now instead of waiting until it's too late. But let's all really hope and prey that it's all clear. I really want that. Obviously.

I spent a few hours last night with a dear friend that had a double mastectomy and reconstruction last March. She shared her story and even let me see and feel the new breasts and they look really great and felt like...well...firm boobs! She is so strong and honest about it and open. I really felt blessed to have someone like that to talk to. I have to say I woke up leaning in the bi-lateral mastectomy direction for the first time since all of this happened. I just don't want to ever go through this again and if that means out with the old and in with the new, so be it.

What else....oh the Wilco show was great. The first song, Via Chicago, brought the tears pretty hard core for me AND Jason. It's always been a pretty resonate song for us......the lovely melody playing constantly but then the crashes and dissonance of life rearing her ugly head while you are just trying to enjoy your songs. It was intense and profound to say the least. We just kind of held each other and let it out and felt it.......like we always do.

Thankfully the rest of the concert was a little less emotional for us. I mean it was but in a happier way. It's funny because when I walked into the concert after a fun dinner at Publican with out of town friends I thought "Awesome. Wilco, fun night, let's just not think about the cancer tonight, Crescent." Of course it was all I thought about. Especially after that moment with Jason. But that was alright. Good even. And I reckon that will just be the case for awhile. How can it not be?

It was the first time I've been able to listen to music since this all started without shutting it off the second it turned beautiful or sad. So there's another good step because I don't want to lose music. I want to use every drop of it to guide me through. And what better way to realize I can listen to music again, even if it does break me down a little, than a Wilco show. The band that kind of feels like just mine and Jason's right now even though we have to share them with the world. I was hoping, and still am, that Wilco would kind of be the soundtrack for me being pregnant this spring or summer or winter or fall, but for now it appears it's going to be our soundtrack for getting through this, and that is also fine. It's all good traveling music regardless.

Look at any clock telling time
Sing some strange verse
From some strange song of vines
And you'll be where you want to be

Man. Might be time for a Xanax ladies and gentlemen. But it feels good to get all that down. It's all been on the spin cycle in my brain the past few days.

OKAY FUNNY TIME!!!!!! I'm sure most of you have seen this but it cracks me up. I love when the boyfriend cat quietly says "right". Can you believe cats can make those sounds? I feel like it would feel good to do that. Get some toxins out or whatever. Plus be TERRIFYING!!!!!!

5 comments:

Erica said...

Beautiful. Please keep telling us how you feel and about your experience. It is really beautiful.

My verification word is "butgu." Butt-goo. I thought you would appreciate that.

stephseef said...

I know you're anxious to get at it - we all are for you, too. But I'm glad, like you, that the DR. is being totally thorough. That will work to your advantage in the long run - I believe it. There's a little verse tucked in the Psalms that says that the light of God gives us a lamp to our feet and a light to our path - and i think it's interesting that the lamp is just enough light for one more step, one more step, one more step. You can do this.

Love you!

Any my verification word is 'juvre' - like Favre, but without the purple shirt.

Crescent said...

I think a new rule of this blog is that you have to tell me your veri word. That is cracking me up.

Crescent said...

Also I love you guys. And Steph love the verse. Very true. I keep thinking of that one and the camel through the needle hole. You have to strip off all of your baggage and crap to get through but you will get through.

stephseef said...

Cres, yes. and it's easier to fit through the needle hole without boobs.

i'm just sayin'.

;0

PS. eneudor.